


Medicine

by Gustock



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, F/F, F/M, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 22:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 60,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3545474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gustock/pseuds/Gustock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Each person chooses their own medicine. Alex/Piper</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Judging

**Author's Note:**

> I am also posting this in ffnet so I will just post the first two chapters which is where I am at. I hope you enjoy, and every kind of feedback is appreciated.

_In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Reason does not enter into it. Anyone can love a thing because. That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect._ –Patrick Rothfuss.

 

Piper was late, as always. She was already making excuses in her head as the cab pulled over next to the café she’d agreed to meet her best friend in. She hurried to check her make-up for the last time before paying the cab driver and stepping out.

 

There was a blinding sun shining above and the air felt thick; humid, with no wind to relieve the mind-numbing heat. It was lunch time and the air was suffocating, her choice of clothes for this day not helping at all - god damn long sleeves. She rushed inside the café, immediately spotting Polly sitting next to a window. She was playing with a cup of coffee between her hands, with an annoyed look on her face but Piper didn’t even make it half-way before Polly saw her and her eyes lit up with a huge smile.

 

“You bitch!” She jumped out of her seat and hurried to give her a bear hug, her arms locking around her neck. Piper startled at the sudden movement and winced when she felt her grip but hugged her back and waited until she pulled away. God, she was so happy to see her.

 

“Hi, Pols. Sorry I’m late, the cab-”

 

“Oh, forget it. Pipe-” She grabbed her hand and squeezed, looking at her with a rare emotion in her eyes and Piper knew she meant this. “I’ve missed you so much.” But it only lasted a second and she went back to demanding right away. She sat back down and gestured at her to follow. “Now, sit. You’re not leaving until you tell me everything that’s happened to you since the last time we talked. Every. Single. Detail.” She punctuated gravelly. Piper suppressed a sigh because she knew this was bound to happen but even so, she’d managed to keep a tiny sliver of hope that she wouldn’t have to lie to her best friend. She sat down and played with the scruff of her sleeves. Polly frowned and kicked her shin and Piper whipped her head up, eyes widened. “Sorry.” Apologized Polly, frowning deeper. “You okay, Pipe? What’s with you?” She leant forward and gestured at her neck, a yellowing bruise poking out from under her t-shirt. “Is that a bruise?”

 

“Yeah, I fell the other day.” She said nonchalantly, pulling the scruff on her t-shirt up to cover it.

 

“How do you even get a bruise _there_. I swear you’ve got a knack for tripping. You’re too clumsy for your own good, you’re gonna end up breaking something.”

 

Piper laughed faintly. “Well, I survived!” She gestured behind her. “Hey, I’m going to go ge-”

 

“I already ordered you one.” Piper gave her a questioning look and she rolled her eyes impatiently. “A coffee." She specified, "I told the waitress to bring it when you got here.” She raised her hand, getting the waitress’s attention and pointed at Piper. She turned her attention back to her friend. “Do you want anything else? A muffin?”

 

“Uh, no, I’m good. Thanks, Pol.” Piper’s stomach was twisting, trying to get the words out. Polly was waiting. “So, what have you been up to?”

 

Polly widened her eyes, disbelievingly. She shook her head and let out a laugh. “Are you serious? I’ve left you hundreds of messages in the last couple of months. Not even one goddamn call, Piper. ‘Hey Polly, I’m alive so don’t shit you pants or anything.’ That would have been better than literally ignoring me for all this time!” Piper pursed her lips, but remained silent knowing she wasn’t done yet. “I went by your place too. No one answered. I called your job; they said you weren’t working there anymore.” Piper was chewing on her lip with a tiny frown on her face, eyes trained on the table and her hands twitching and Polly lost it. “Are you even listening to me right now? What the fuck happened to you, Piper?”

 

Piper winced at the rise in her tone and fear crept up on Polly’s face.

 

“Oh god. Oh my god, Piper.” She looked up and recognized genuine concern on her friend’s face. Disappointment too. She began shaking her head, denying what Polly was obviously thinking. “Please tell me you didn’t-”

 

“No!” She interrupted her and Polly was taken aback but Piper plough on. “Of course I didn’t. I promise.”

 

“Okay.” She raised her hands, defensively. “Then, what?” She insisted.

 

A waitress showed up, and placed the coffee in front of her. Piper thanked her and took a sip, feeling the weight of Polly’s stare on her. She sighed. Slumped further down in her seat.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. It’s just… It’s been hard, lately. I mean, hard-er. I- I lost my job. Things got a little out of control for a while but I’m fine now, I just… needed time to get back up on my feet.” She couldn’t look Polly in the eye. Although what she was saying was technically true, she knew it was bullshit. It had all the wrong angles. But Polly didn’t seem to notice and her eyes softened.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped, Piper.”

 

“I know. I just felt like it was something I needed to do for myself. But it’s all behind now, I even got a new job and… things are fine.” She gave her a tight smile, slightly arching her eyebrows and shrugged. Polly rolled her eyes and her tone went back to normal, relief washing over Piper at Polly’s drop of the subject.

 

“Fine. How can I stay mad at you with those puppy eyes?”

 

Piper laughed and it felt so good; she didn’t even remember the last time she’d laughed earnestly and it was just so nice having her friend back.

 

“You can’t.” She shrugged again, this time cockily and Polly muttered _shut up_ before taking a large gulp of her coffee. She set down the mug and started talking about her life with funny quips and dramatic exclamations like her best friend did and Piper could feel her stomach twisting almost painfully from laughter.  It was all familiar and easy banter and it took a while for Polly to run out of things to make fun of Pete for and when that happened, she dug something out from her purse excitedly.

 

“Here. I brought you a present.”

 

“Really? What is it? Give it to me.” Piper said, stretching out her hand and Polly rolled her eyes, withholding the gift.

 

“Why am I friends with such an uncivilized specimen?”

 

“ _Best_ friends with.” Corrected Piper letting out a laugh.

 

“How do you know I haven’t replaced you in all of this time?”

 

Piper stretched across the table and took the rectangular shaped present from her friend’s hand as she replied, “ _Please_. You could not find a best friend like me anywhere in this world. You wouldn’t know what to do without me.”

 

“A rude, antisocial and waspy bitch?” Piper shrugged helplessly and Polly continued in a lower voice, “But yeah. You’re right.”

 

Piper stopped trying to rip the paper apart and looked at her friend.

 

“I’m really sorry, Pols.”

 

“It’s fine. I mean no, “She shook her head.” it’s not fine which is why I forbid you from ever doing it again but… Okay.”

 

Piper smiled. “Okay.”

 

“Now open the present and try to tell me I’m not the best friend ever.”

 

She finally tore it apart and watched the biggest and bluest chunk of soap she’d ever seen.

 

“Soap? You got me soap?”

 

“No. I _made you_ soap.” She smiled proudly and Piper gasped.

 

“ _You_ made this? _How_?”

 

“It’s actually really simple, I learned a while back and now I just do it for fun.”

 

“Wow.” Piper was looking from the soap to her friend, astounded, and Polly rolled her eyes.

 

“Don’t look so surprised. I’m great at many things. Now, what are you waiting for? Smell it.”

 

Piper took the soap to her nose and moaned loudly.

 

“Oh my god, Polly, this smells like an orgasm.”

 

Polly laughed, scrunching up her nose.

 

“Weirdo.”

 

“You wanna smell my orgasm? Here, smell it.” She shoved it up her nose and Polly pulled back, laughing.

 

“Ew, you’re so gross, I don’t wanna smell your orgasm. Jesus, now every time I make that scent I’ll think about your orgasms.”

 

Piper laughed again, taking the soap back to her nose and took in a long breath.

 

“Orgasms are nice. And this is really fucking good, Polly. Thank you. You are definitely the best.”

 

“I know.” She shrugged. Piper wrapped the soap up and put it in her bag. She then rubbed her hands together and took them to her face, breathing in happily and then resting her head on her palm with a satisfied grin. They ordered another piece of pie, _the last one,_ they promised, and resumed their catching up session.

 

“So, how is Aaron?” Polly mumbled, while chewing on a piece of pie.

 

Piper paused. “He’s fine.” She answered, nodding. Polly stared at her and Piper shoved a huge piece of pie into her mouth. She hid her hands under the table, running them down her thighs.

 

“He’s fine? Just that?” Polly hesitated. “You’re still together, right?”

 

Piper nodded again and picked up her fork.

 

“Yes. We are.”

 

Polly relaxed again. “Is he still writing?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“You could both come for dinner one day. We haven’t seen Aaron in what, like half a year? Pete could use a guy to rant about sports. God knows I can’t fulfill that task any longer.” She laughed and Piper hummed, her mouth stuffed with pie. She bobbed her head along, agreeing with her. The pie was over, it was getting dark outside and Piper knew she had to go. Polly sighed.

 

“Do you have to go already?”

 

Piper managed a half smile and a nod.

 

“Okay, well, you better keep in touch, Pipe. Because if you don’t I swear I’ll knock your door down if I have to or call the police and have the dogs tracking you down.” Piper let out a laugh mostly at the irony of her choice of scenarios and stood up, Polly imitating her. She grabbed her purse and stepped forward, hugging her best friend tightly. Her familiar smell put her at ease again and she managed an honest smile before pulling away and saying goodbye. She could feel her phone buzzing in her purse but she made no attempt of pulling it out. They said goodbye again outside of the café and Piper didn’t take her eyes off her friend until she left on her cab. Sighing, she made her way down the street, looking for a grocery’s shop to stop by. There were some things she needed to pick up.

 

In the cart she threw some milk and cereal, candy bars, apples and a few bananas too. Chips for Aaron and ketchup. Aaron loved ketchup. She walked, knowing where she was going but not acknowledging it; not until she found herself in front of the infinite vodka bottles. There were so many. So many brands, so many types, so many flavors. Her hands clenched, her throat drying and she gritted her teeth.

 

She kept walking after a painful moment.

 

She stood in front of the beers and stared. She stared until the names didn’t make sense; until she could find the courage to remind herself that there was no losing this battle. She couldn’t add to the misery in her life. She wouldn’t. Her stomach was twisting again, and she shut her eyes tight for a second, gathering the strength to walk away.

 

Everyday there was a decision being made.

 

She walked to the cashier and paid for her things. She left with heavy bags in her hands, and they were weighing her down more than they actually should. The cab pulled over next to her. She gave him the directions to her house and slumped down in her seat, her nails digging into her palm from the grip she had on the bags. Piper wished she’d hugged Polly longer.

 

The cab pulled over in her street and she got out, standing on the sidewalk for a second, staring up. Up at the dingy looking building that was her home; although Piper more felt it like a cage. Prison bars locking her inside of that fucking dump. Cracks on the side, dirty windows, rooms barely big enough to fit in a bed, and everything was just so grey. Dirty color. Piper hated it. She entered the building and took the stairs. Three floors. The hallway to her apartment was narrow and Piper felt like she was suffocating already, the air running out of her lungs. She hesitated outside of her door for another moment, taking in a deep breath but she was startled when she heard a loud clank from inside, followed by an even louder curse. She clenched her fist around the door knob with her key inside and pushed open the door.

 

“Hi, sweetie.”

 

Her boyfriend was in the kitchen, to her immediate left while the living room was to her right, a small room with a crappy and stained red-ish couch and a small tv on top of what was supposed to be a desk. Their bedroom was at the end of a short hall, with the only bathroom inside. Despite Piper’s attempts of brightening up the place, it still looked unkempt and dark; and every time she looked at the paper wall she found herself thinking of the things her mother would have to say about it. Red and white, candle-like patterns that time had shadowed made it look yellowy. Not that the white and yellow tiles helped either, and the windows weren’t big enough to lighten up the place, so light bulbs were turned on almost 24/7. The kitchen was a tiny rectangle where only two people fit at the same time and they only had an oven and a microwave and it had taken Piper a whole day to get the grease out of the sink. So yes, in conclusion, the place was a dump.

 

But it was the only home she had.

 

Aaron looked up from the floor, all messy brown hair and eager equally brown eyes, with a pan in his hand. He placed it in the counter and gave her a sideways smile.

 

“Hey. Where you’ve been?”

 

“With Polly. Remember I told you?”

 

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

 

Piper walked to the counter and slowly placed the bags on top. Aaron stretched across the counter and grabbed hold of her hips, placing a kiss on her lips and Piper smiled faintly against his mouth. He pulled away after a second, still smiling at her.

 

“I was looking for a lighter, but I can’t seem to find anything in this house.”

 

Piper laughed softly and went around the counter, reaching for the top left drawer and pulling a lighter out. She lifted it, giving him a desperate look and he chuckled.

 

“You’re magical.”

 

“It’s always there, you’re just lazy.”

 

“I am not.” He said, looking offended and Piper shook her head and gave him the lighter but he dismissed it, reaching for her instead. He pressed his mouth to hers again, pushing her gently backwards, to the kitchen. Piper raised her hands, with her palms against his chest and kissed back, closing her eyes and relaxing against him for a second. He hummed and Piper giggled. She was the first to pull away though, putting space between them with her hands and sneaking through his side. He groaned, turning around to face her as he leaned in the counter. He stretched his hands even though Piper was well out of his reach and she let out a light laugh.

 

“You’re cute.” She said, starting to put away the groceries.

 

“Come here.”

 

Piper sighed and mumbled, “you’re putting them away, then, “as she strolled to his side. He wrapped his arms around her, placing his hands just above her lower back and she buried her head in his neck. “I’m so tired.”

 

“Polly tired you out?”

 

Piper snorted a laugh. “She can be very tiresome yes, but no, I had to take the morning shift so I could meet up with her.”

 

“Ah, right.” He hummed again, understanding and after a second, “I sold a piece today.”

 

“Really? That’s great, honey.” She wound her arms around his middle and ran them up and down his back soothingly. The stupor was falling over her but it didn’t seem to be doing the same for Aaron. He pulled away just enough so he could kiss her and when she ended it, he ducked down to pepper her neck with kisses. With a whine she backed down. “I really am tired, babe. I need to go to bed.”

 

He sighed loudly and pursed his lips but he didn’t insist. Instead, he eagerly reached for the bags and Piper began tying her hair up in a bun and headed towards the bedroom.

 

“I’ll go take a show-”

 

“Wait.” There was ruffling of plastic bags, something fell to the ground and Piper could hear the bouncing. An apple. “Where is the beer?”

 

She didn’t stop walking when she asked, “What?”

 

“Piper.” He said, angrily. She halted. Sighed and turned around. He had a grimace on his face and his voice was raspier when he continued, “Where is the beer?”

 

“I didn’t bring beer.”

 

His face contorted, going from sweet and at ease to rage in less than a second. He took the pan again and Piper’s heart sped up but then he let out a rough breath and put it down with a loud clank.

 

“ _Why_ didn’t you bring beer?”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I had to.” He didn’t answer immediately and Piper turned around slowly, her heart still thumping painfully against her ribcage. There was another loud clank, as if he dropped the pan again but Piper didn’t turn around. She kept walking and reached for the handle of their bedroom.

 

She was a few inches short.

 

A hand wrapped around her wrist and she was spun around roughly, her face inches from his.

 

“You knew there weren’t any beers left.”

 

“I- I forgot, Aaron.”

 

“I called you to remind you. I left you a message.” He insisted. His hand was no longer holding her wrist but she was trapped between him and the door.

 

“I didn’t see it, I’m sorry.”

 

He groaned. “Tonight’s the game, how am I supposed to watch it without any beers?”

 

Piper swallowed and cautiously leaned forward to rest her hands on his chest again.

 

“Maybe that’s a good thing, Aaron. Remember we agreed a long time ago that we’d try to stop drinking?”

 

He frowned. “We also said we would never judge each other.”

 

“I’m not judging, I’m just trying to help-”

 

“Hey, hey.” He interrupted sharply, stepping even closer. Piper always wondered how he could go from zero to 100 in a matter of seconds. “I don’t need your help. Don’t talk to me like you’re superior just because _you_ stopped drinking.”

 

Piper sighed deeply and cast her eyes down.

 

“I don’t think I’m superior to you, Aaron. I just want us to be happy and-”

 

“You’re not happy?”

 

She shut her eyes and muttered, “I am, but- Look, I just want the best for you. For us.”

 

“Look at me.” He spat and she winced but raised her head. His eyes were dark and Piper felt dread wrap around her heart.

 

“I’m not an alcoholic anymore. There’s nothing wrong with a few beers.”

 

“Aaron-” She sighed, frustrated and for the second time today, took the decision against her better judgment. Maybe it was the hopefulness the meeting with Polly had instilled in her or maybe she was just sick and tired of her life. Whatever it was, it gave her courage to try one more time. “You reek of vodka. We said no more hard drinks, and it’s not the first time. That’s why I didn’t buy the beer, okay, I’m just worried about-”

 

“Stop it!” He yelled. “You. You, Piper.” He spat, pointing an angry finger at her. “You’re still as _fucked_ up as the day we met, alcoholic or not.”

 

“Don’t talk to me like that.” She said in a small voice, widening her eyes with hurt but that only seemed to get him more riled up. He clenched his teeth and Piper could tell he was losing it, and-

 

 It all happened in one second.

 

She tried to back away, her breathing becoming ragged from fear as she searched blindly for the door handle behind her back but before she could find it, a sharp, searing pain in her left cheek forced her to stop. Her body hit the door, a cry leaving her mouth. She covered her cheek with both her hands and lowered her head. Her eyes sealed shut; she stayed silent, her whole body shaking.

 

“Don’t tell me what to do.” He growled through still clenched teeth. A hot, trembling hand wrapped around her neck and Piper yelped. “And tomorrow, get the beer.” He said with threat in his voice. He walked away and began pacing the living room with his hands behind his head. He was breathing heavily, anger and alcohol still seeping through his pores. Piper fumbled behind her until she opened the door and stumbled into the bathroom, locking the door with shaky hands. She stood in front of the mirror with her fists clenched, her head bowed and gritting her teeth to stop herself from making any sounds. In no time, he was outside of the bathroom, rapping his knuckles on the door, muttering half assed, stuttered apologies mixed between curses. Piper could hear the regret and fear in his voice. She ignored him and the tears in her face when she looked up, instead focusing to inspect the reddened blotch on her face, assessing the damage.

 

This one was going to leave a mark.

 

Piper guessed she wouldn’t be seeing Polly for a while.

 


	2. Against Medical Advice

Aaron apologized profusely.

 

He’d been there when she’d opened the door. He had made her a tea and sat on the edge of the bed, playing with his thumbs like a little boy in trouble. She hid her face, embarrassed for him, for herself, for the situation; everything was just wrong. She walked to the other side of the room, looking for her pj and her towel, not bearing to look at him. He said nothing. But just as she was about to enter the bathroom he started. First muttering her name lowly, with all the softness he lacked 10 minutes ago and then he asked her to wait, pleaded for her to sit down next to him. She’d hesitated just a second, gripping her clothes tighter against her chest. One of her hands flew to her face, barely grazing her sensitive skin and she winced. Not because it hurt. It didn’t. It was just a hit, the fear of the moment, a fleeting second of pain and then there was just a bruise. A red cheek, then purple, then yellow and then it was gone. She could live with that. She winced because his softness felt not like a punch or a cut; what hurt was not the contrast of his actions and his words but knowing that there was no difference between this man and the one that had called her fucked up with so much hatred in his voice only a while ago.

 

He was right to say that she was fucked up. So was he. They were the perfect match and it made her sick to her stomach.

 

The second she’d sat down he was letting out words without sense, stuttering, tripping, shaking his head disbelievingly at himself, saying that wasn’t him, that he’d lost it, promising so many things and Piper closed her eyes and wished that this time it was true. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, if she could _fix_ him, then she’d be fixed too. Maybe they could make it. Maybe she could still be who she wanted to be, salvage him and herself in the way and pick up where she’d left. _Before_. Before _her._ They could make it. Looking at his face, so painfully childish in his regret, she could do nothing but forgive him. His forehead creased, his mouth slightly open; confused and lost. And then he was falling on his side and resting his head on Piper’s lap and she was running her hands through his hair, pushing it out of his face still not capable of looking into his eyes; hot tears burning on her cheeks and sobs trapped in her throat, as if his hands were still wrapped around her neck. The smell of alcohol still heavy and stinging in her nose as he whispered _I’m sorry_ over and over again.

 

She wanted to be angry, she wanted to be repulsed, she wanted to _hate him_ because that would be the normal reaction; that’s what she would expect from any other person in her position. Her safety should not be conditional, fleeting or tradable. She knew that. She wanted to _want_ to get away.

 

But he was all she had.

 

And in the end, all she said was: “It’s okay.”

 

 

 

Piper woke up early the next morning. She didn’t even flinch when she began applying mascara over the bruise, covering as much as she could before she pulled at her bangs and let them fall carelessly on her face, half-covering her left side. She barely twitched her lips at the sight of herself.

 

_It’s been worse._

Aaron had fallen asleep on the couch after the game, and he was snoring loudly, half-hanging off the couch as she tiptoed her way to the door and closed it as gently as she could.

 

She stopped by a small diner, her usual place for breakfast and ordered coffee and two donuts. The waitress smiled at her, recognizing her and Piper’s heart swelled because she had never felt so lonely in her life.

 

Loneliness was a constan. It had been for the past two years.

 

The waitress didn’t even had to ask which donuts she wanted and Piper was able to crack a smile back at her when she placed the rainbow sprinkled chocolate donuts in front of her.

 

“Here you go, honey.”

 

“Thank you.” She mumbled.

 

She ate slowly, savoring each bite and then leant back in her seat, drinking her black bitter coffee, the warmth managing to slip some of it into her chilling bones. She watched the rest of the people in the diner; outside wasn’t interesting. It was the same ugly, dirty neighborhood. But this diner was nice, and nice people came too. Today, there was a young couple and Piper could hear them teasing each other and their soft laughs and she relaxed for a while, relishing in other people’s happiness.

 

When the clock hit 12 pm, Piper sighed and stood up. She paid for her food and stepped out, groaning when she felt the sun on her body. The heat was unbearable this time of year and her long sleeves didn’t help. But they would be gone soon enough; she needed to take the subway to get to the other side of the city. That’s where she went to the doctor. She didn’t want to risk seeing anyone she knew.

 

It was a one hour trip. It was liberating to get away from the narrow, dirty streets of her side of town. It was a different crowd, too, one that Piper didn’t associate with anymore but it was a nice change. The reasons she had for doing it weren’t so nice.

 

It had only been a week since he’d last hit her, which is why it was so surprising. He had never hit her so soon after the last time. He always tried to mend things, be nice, be polite, be _romantic_ for at least a couple of weeks before it started to get bad again. Piper guessed he’d been drinking more lately.

 

Sometimes she just couldn’t believe she had become _this_ person. The type of person that would accept being treated like this and then feel _sorry_ for it. The kind of person that justifies the alcoholic, violent man. She never let herself think of what her mother would say, or Polly. _But they don’t know what it was like. What_ is _like._ Just the thought made her feel smaller with humiliation. First an alcoholic and now beaten up; literally. But last night had been a mistake on her part, either way.  It had been stupid and reckless of her to cross him like that and she realized it now.

 

At least he never offered her any. Any alcohol. Piper guessed it was a good thing how selfish he was with it. She wasn’t sure what her answer would be if one day he poured her a glass and the thought terrified her. It had been 6 months since the last time she drank and she missed it everyday; the taste, the smell, the _feeling._ People congratulated her, whenever she said the number. 6 months. Like it was a medal. A victory. Worthy of praise. When in reality it didn’t feel like that at all. It didn’t feel earned; it didn’t feel like a _success_. It was a failure, everything was a failure whether she drank or not. No matter how much time she spent without drinking, she couldn’t make her boyfriend quit too. She couldn’t change the fact that she _had_ been an alcoholic, the fact that whenever she got home from work all she wanted was to open up a bottle, hear the click, smell the scent, feel it burn its way down her throat. When Aaron kissed her she could _taste it_ and it made her cling to him, that glimpse of what still made her head spin, offering so many options and escapes. She could smell the vodka in his breath when he spoke and the sick, fucked up part of herself breathed in because _fuck_ if she didn’t miss that scent, that taste in her mouth every single day. She sometimes wondered if that was why she was still with him. He was the closest to alcohol she could get, but truth be told, she didn’t know which was more damaging. Probably him. Then again, there probably wasn’t _a_ fucked up part of her. Her whole being was fucked up.

 

The thing about addictions is that they never left you, it was always going to be a struggle. People said it got better. She wasn’t so sure But Piper was trying to make it better, she hadn’t lied about that to Polly. She was really trying to get back up on her feet; it was a decision she had to convince herself to make everyday but she was trying.

 

The subway was hot and it stank. Piper was sweating, suffocating, but she didn’t roll up her sleeves. She was almost there anyway. When she finally got out, she walked briskly the street down to the hospital and the air conditioning inside felt like heaven. Approaching reception, she caught the nurse’s look when she looked at her face and Piper cast down her eyes, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. She ignored it and pulled out the paper the doctor had given her last time.

 

“Hi. I have an appointment with Dr. Dennis, I need to remove some stitches.” She finished in a questioning tone and the nurse pursed her lips and nodded, typing something into the computer in front of her and taking the paper Piper was giving her.

 

“Okay, I’ll page him. You can wait there.” She gestured at the waiting room and Piper thanked her before heading for a seat. There weren’t a lot of people there and everyone was really quiet, which made sense, considering they were in a hospital but Piper squirmed in her seat uncomfortably. She hated coming to the doctor. She knew by the look on their faces they realized what had actually happened. What _always_ happened. The last beating had been exceptionally bad, a cut in her arm gushing blood but she still hadn’t dared going to the hospital near her apartment. Thankfully, all of the bruises left had been in places she could easily hide, otherwise she would have had to cancel her meeting with her friend. Again. She didn’t know if she’d been able to handle that.

 

The cut had needed stitches and she had winced the whole procedure, wishing someone was there to hold her hand. The doctor had told her she needed to come back in a week to remove them and here she was. Tomorrow she could start using short sleeves again. _Yay me._

 

She had been waiting for about 20 minutes and at some point she pulled out her phone to check the time and let out a shaky breath when she saw the icon at the top of her screen signaling that she had a message.

 

**From: Aaron**

**Did you take the morning shift again? I wanted to have breakfast with you. Let me know when you’re coming home, I want to take you out, baby.**

 

Hopefulness slipped into her heart before she could stop it and she shoved the phone back in her purse without answering but immediately pulled it out. Ignoring him wasn’t smart. She typed a quick _be back by 2_ right before her doctor finally called her in and she stood up with a barely concealed nervous sigh.

 

She always saw him. He was a young, handsome doctor and he had a kind smile. She made her feel comfortable. He took her to the second floor, telling her that it would be a short procedure and that she had nothing to worry about. He was being extra nice. Piper knew why. She bobbed her head and avoided his eyes the whole time. The second floor was at the same time silent and loud. Nurses and doctors were rushing from here to there, saying words like _critical_ and _heart arrest_ but besides they’re whispered, concerned voices and the rustling of their feet there wasn’t any other noises. The ICU, he informed her, before they went into a small and cold room with all sorts of metallic, creepy-looking instruments and Piper shivered.

 

“Don’t worry, for you I’m just going to need these weird-looking scissors.” He snickered and Piper tried to smile at him. She sat down at the edge of the bed and he placed her arm in the metallic tray, starting. She looked away. “I’m sorry I had to bring you up here, I know it’s not the happiest place in the world.” Piper shrugged slightly and he continued with a friendly tone. “It’s just that I have this patient that-” He leaned in closer and Piper had to resist the urge to pull back. He whispered, “Now, don’t tell anyone I said this but she’s just a _major_ pain in the ass.”

 

Piper was finally able to muster an almost smile and he took that as a sign to continue, “She’s here after an overdose and she woke up _yesterday_ and wants to leave already. Can you believe it?” Her smile grew the slightest bit. “And I don’t mean that as in ‘Doctor can I leave?’ I mean it as ‘If you don’t let me out of here I’m suing you.’.” He sighed and shook his head. “Junkies are the worst patients. They just can’t wait to get out to get another fix, you know?”

 

Piper nodded slowly, trying to get rid of the memories that anything related to _drugs_ sparked in her brain. When she was able to wash that off other dark memories aroused in her brain, memories of her struggling with her own set of drugs. It was quite possibly the worst subject the doctor could have brought on and he seemed to notice her discomfort, casting his eyes down. She tried to recompose herself and asked the first question that came to mind.

 

“So why won’t you let her leave?”

 

“Overdoses are a big deal. They can produce unrepairable damages to the brain and I need to make sure that that’s not the case with her. But if she insists, then there’s really nothing I can do. I’m just trying to gain as much time as I can, but it’s not going to work for long.” He said, finishing the stitches and putting on a patch. “I’m done. Don’t let it get wet and take it off in two days.”

 

“Okay. Thank you, doctor.” She stood up and smiled awkwardly before heading for the door but right before she opened it she heard his voice again. “Emu oil.”

 

Piper turned around, confused. “What?”

 

“For your bruise.” He wasn’t looking at her, instead rummaging with the tools he’d used, even though Piper knew that wasn’t part of his job. “Emu oil works really well for bruises and all kinds of… injuries. Natural, too. You look like the type that likes natural stuff.” At that, he glanced at her with a twitch of his lips.

 

“Oh.” Embarrassment filtered in her whisper and she gripped the handle, opening it in one swift move. “Thank you.” She said again tightly and stepped out.

 

She walked down the hall briskly, absorbed in her thoughts and she didn’t see the cart until she crashed against it. She mumbled _sorry_ at the frowning nurses around her and kept walking, now conscious of her movements and as she approached the elevator she heard a voice, difficult to overlook considering it was fairly loud, although the soothing tone remained.

 

“Miss, if you intend to leave against medical advice, we need you to sign a form. But please consider staying, we only need to run some tests and then we can discharge you although we highly recommend for you to stay overnight just in case-”

 

She was almost at that door when the patient let out a laugh that could only be described as sarcastic and Piper stopped dead in her tracks.

 

“There’s no fucking way I’m staying another night.”

 

The voice was raspy, it sounded sick, overused; _torn,_ but Piper would know it anywhere. She felt like all of the air had run out of her lungs and she stepped closer to the wall, fumbling around trying to find something to hold on to because _this could not actually be happening._ But instead of reaching the wall, she hit a sprayer that was on top of another _fucking_ cart and it fell to the floor, spilling blue liquid. A guy dressed in robes hurried to pick it up and called for the cleaning service while the nurse that had been inside talking to _her_ , almost by the door, peaked outside. When she saw Piper, her shocked and pale face and that nasty bruise on her face, added to the large patch that now adorned her arm; worry etched her features.

 

“Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”

 

Piper shook her head with wide eyes, not letting a single sound leave her mouth but the nurse insisted and Piper had no idea what to do. “Are you sure? You don’t seem well, come sit.” She looped her arm around Piper’s and she only had to take one step for her to realize where the nurse was taking her. It was a hallway for ICU patients, where no visitors were allowed. _Of course_ there weren’t any seats.

 

She was shaking her head trying to resist the nurse’s advance without actually saying that she _couldn’t_ go in there but it didn’t matter. Because in that moment, Alex walked out of the room.

 

Piper gasped.

 

When she looked at her; at Alex, the beautiful, gorgeous and intimidating woman she had once been stupidly in love with; she gasped. Because there was something fundamentally wrong with this new version of her.

 

Alex looked thin. Sickly thin. Her body was all sharp edges, and deathly turns. Her clothes hung loosely around her and her face was an unhealthy shade of her past paleness, a yellowish white accentuated by the dark bags under her eyes. Her glasses were at the top of her head, pushing back messy dull hair. Nothing about this image was right.

 

When Alex set her eyes on her, Piper’s heart stopped beating. Alex’s eyes widened, imitating her own and she opened her mouth to say something but the nurse beat her to it.

 

“Need anything, Miss Vause?”

 

She closed her mouth slowly, swallowing her words and so did Piper. _God, she looks so different._ She couldn’t believe the change in her ex-girlfriend and a heavy weight settled in her heart.

 

“Miss?”

 

She dragged her eyes away from Piper and Piper was surprised by the shakiness of her voice when she said, “I need the form so I can leave.”

 

“Of course. Right after I help this lady.”

 

“No.” She tried to say but all that came out was a choked sound and she tried again. “No, I’m alright. Thank you.”

 

“Okay, then. I’ll get your form immediately.” She said to Alex and walked away.

 

They both stood there, looking at each other without a word until without a second notice Alex spun around and walked back into her room. Piper was breathing heavily, still clueless as to where to go from here. But of course there wasn’t anything else she could do. She followed.

 

“Ale-”

 

“What are you doing here?” She was sitting on the edge of her bed, eyes trained on the floor and her voice came out croaked. She sounded almost scared.

 

“I had to get stitches removed.” Stuttered out Piper, lifting her arm as proof but Alex didn’t even glance at her.

 

“Leave.”

 

Piper didn’t move. A breath.

 

“What are _you_ doing here?”

 

Alex exhaled. Looked up. Stuck up her chin.

 

“I fell.”

 

“How?”

 

“What happened to _you_?”

 

“I fell too.”

 

Alex was way better at lying but Piper could still tell. Neither of them was telling the truth, they knew. They looked away at the same time.

 

“How have you been?”

 

Alex let out a wry laugh. “We’re not doing this.” She said and started scratching her arms, the insides of her elbows and Piper could see there were scabs there. She had her own share of nervous, scabbing habits to recognize one, but something about the gesture made her feel uncomfortable.

 

“What?”

 

“Get. Out.” She insisted but there was no fight in her voice.

 

Piper frowned. Her scornful tone stung and her righteous self kicked in, making her fight back. “No.”

 

Their eyes met again and Alex arched her eyebrows.

 

“It’s a simple question.” Piper said in a high pitched voice. Alex rolled her eyes.

 

“I’ve been _great_.”

 

Piper folded her arms and glared at the floor. After a moment she huffed. “Don’t you want to know how _I_ ’ve been?”

 

Alex took her time to answer, casting her eyes down at the floor again and Piper felt her heart break. She was expecting a snarky, hateful reply; a sarcastic question, _anything_ that would make her feel like the superior, mature party of this exchange. But Alex’s answer, combined with her soft, weak tone tripled the guilt weighing her down.

 

“How have you been?”

 

She let her arms fall to her sides and closed her eyes, wishing this wasn’t happening, wishing she hadn’t come to the doctor today, for the first time _hating_ Aaron for beating her and putting her in this exact spot at this exact time. Hating herself for asking that stupid needy question. Hating herself for so much more.

 

“Good.” She whispered because there wasn’t really anything else she could say. Alex nodded because of course she’d been expecting that.

 

“Good.” She replied.

 

Piper opened her mouth to say something. She didn’t know what but anything that could help this situation; smother the fire that was starting in her heart at the sight of Alex when someone said _excuse me_ from the door and the same nurse from before came in, carrying a small folder. She gave it to Alex.

 

“When you sign these papers, you can leave; but remember that it’s against medical advice. You’re leaving at your own risk.”

 

Alex nodded and took the pen, opening the folder.

 

“You should have the tests.”

 

For the first time, harshness tainted Alex’s voice. “I’m fine.”

 

She had always hated doctors too, but not because she was scared like Piper, but because she was too proud for her own good. Piper spoke to the nurse this time.

 

“Are those tests really necessary?”

 

Alex smacked the folder against the bedside table, bending over to roughly write her signature. The nurse sighed and shrugged helplessly as she answered, “There could be many complications but we cannot know without further tests. Her condition was critical when she arrived and given the type of-”

 

“Stop. Here it is it’s done. I’m leaving right now.” She said and brushed past them, giving Piper a look and she followed suit without a second thought.

 

“Why didn’t you stay to take those tests? There could be something wrong.”

 

“Or everything could be perfectly fine. Either way, stay out of it.”

 

“You don’t look alright.” No answer. She reached for her arm but Alex squirmed away. “You don’t look alright!” She insisted and Alex scoffed.

 

“Gee, thanks.” They reached the elevator and Alex pressed the button, the doors opening right away. As they stepped inside, she pressed the button to the first floor.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Alex didn’t look at her.

 

“I do.”

 

“Alex.”

 

It was strange. Her name leaving her mouth, the sound of it in their ears. _Two years._ It had been _two years_ since the last time. It took her breath away again. They locked eyes.

 

“Piper.”

 

The elevator’s door opened but their eyes remained glued to each other, neither of them capable to look away. They had changed, they could see it. Piper’s bruise standing out like a burn, an ugly mark altering her face and Alex’s sick skin, her dead eyes, everything turning this moment and their eyes into almost a plea because something was deeply damaged in both of them, their wounds open for the other to see. They heard the doors starting to close and Piper knew what Alex was going to do but she didn’t move. Right before the doors closed again, Alex slipped out, still as elegant as ever and lifted a hand, waving slightly.

 

“Bye, Pipes.”

 

Piper watched and in the last second she replied, “Bye, Al.” In a small, fragile voice. Just like Alex’s.

 

 

 

The elevator took her back to the second floor. Without thinking, she walked back into Alex’s room and sat in her bed. She looked around, completely lost and her eyes stopped in her pillow. Slowly, very slowly, she placed her hand on top of it. She clenched her fist around the soft fabric and put it in her lap. Bringing it up to her nose, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes at the familiarity of the scent invading her, thousand of emotions swirling in her brain, making everything lose sense and control.

 

Putting the pillow aside, she stood up, determined. Piper stepped out of the room and headed for the reception counter where there was a lady in front of a computer.

 

“Hi, my name is Piper Chapman. That woman that just left, that was in that room?” She gestured behind her and the nurse nodded. “Her name was Alex Vause, she asked me to put my name as her emergency contact.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later that day, the night already fallen, Alex was in her apartment. She was lying in her bed with a glass of wine on her bedside table fully aware that she shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. But _fuck_ she needed it.

 

Her phone rang and she groaned, searching for it in her bed without looking up.

 

“Vause.” She answered.

 

“Miss Vause? I’m calling from Residential Hospital. I just needed to re-check with you your new emergency contact?”

 

“My what?”

 

“Your emergency contact. Miss Chapman told me you’d agreed for her to figure as your emergency contact. She left me all of her info.”

 

Alex was speechless for a second. _She did what?_ She raised herself on her elbows, and hung her head back. She sighed deeply. Remembered her eyes when she had said goodbye. Closing her own, she resigned herself to whatever it was that was happening with her life. Enough things were out of control already, this could do no harm. She would never see her again. This small connection meant nothing.

 

“Yes, I agreed to that.” She hesitated. “I’m her emergency contact, too.”

 

“You are? She didn’t tell me-”

 

“Well, she is mine; of course I’m going to be hers.” She winced at her choice of words. “Does she already have someone else as emergency contact?”

 

She pursed her lips, remembering Piper and how impossible it was for her to not have someone-

 

“No.”

 

 _No? Why doesn’t she have-_ “See?” She asked, imbedding her voice with confidence. “It’s obvious.”

 

“Yes, that does make sense.” Replied the nurse, distractedly. She was probably looking forward to ending this conversation and Alex smiled because she had it.

 

“You already have my info. Thank you, goodnight.”

 

She threw her phone aside, glanced at the wine and reached for it, finishing it in one big gulp. She lay back down on her bed and closed her eyes.

 

She wasn’t planning on overdosing ever again, anyway. Rookie’s mistake.

 

 


	3. An Honorable Approach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I forgot to mention I will try to update weekly so here it is, I hope you enjoy :)

Aaron took her out that night after work, despite Piper’s hints of being exhausted. She got in at 6 pm and only left around 2 am and it had been probably one of the longest days of her life but he insisted. When she got out, he was waiting outside with a single red rose hidden behind his back and a proud little smile in his face when he handed it to her. When she lifted her arm to take it, he saw his eyes glancing at her forearm, the patch standing out in the bright white light of the parking lot and she grasped the rose with more force than was necessary. A single drop of blood shone in her thumb and she let go of it, staring at the blood mesmerized; and a flash of crippling fear left her immobilized for a whole terrifying moment. Before she knew it she was wiping it messily on her jeans, checking to see if it was gone and Aaron was saying something but she was thinking back to that first night and _jesus fucking christ she hated blood-_

“Piper! Stop doing that, here, clean it up with this.” He grabbed both of her wrists with only one hand and shoved a paper receipt between them, an annoyed frown on his face. “It’s just a cut. _Jesus._ ” And then proceeded to walk back into his rusty old car, shutting his door loudly. Piper knew he would grow impatient quickly but it still took her a second to completely snap out of her trance. She rubbed the paper against her skin without looking at it because she didn’t want to see it getting stained red and then threw it away. She stared at the rose lying on the cement and just then he honked. Shutting her eyes, she bent down and picked it up gently from the petals to not risk another cut and walked to her door. As soon as she was inside, she placed the rose in the control center. The car stank of alcohol.

 

“Thank you for the rose.” She said just above a whisper.

 

“Yeah, you’re welcome.” He said dismissively, the incident already forgotten. “It’s two am, so there are not a lot of places to go. I was thinking that diner that’s two blocks from our apartment?”

 

If she hadn’t been so focused in ignoring the stained front of her pants she would have even cracked a relieved smile at that. It was usual breakfast place. And they had no alcohol.

 

 

The next week was a blur. She barely spent any time in her apartment, going from waitressing at the restaurant to roaming some park, lost in her thoughts. She just couldn’t get Alex out of her head. She didn’t know why she’d put herself as her emergency contact, considering the chances of her having something else happen to her – whatever it was that happened this time-  were slim. Piper had needed to feel some type of connection, some way of knowing Alex was _alright_. That Alex still existed in this world because for the past two years she hadn’t, not outside of Piper’s mind. No one knew about her except for Polly and they had long ago agreed not to talk about her but Piper wanted to, she wanted to so bad. Just not with Polly. Polly couldn’t understand what Alex had meant to her, what they had meant to each other and everything they had gone through, how much they’d loved each other and… how bad things had ended. Polly had dismissed it as inevitable and told her not to get the guilt get to her. _Alex is a big girl, she’ll get over it. It’s not your job to take care of her anyway._ And Piper had agreed even though she knew that it was. It had been the easy thing to do. But deep down she knew that Alex needed her and that if it had been the other way around, Alex would have never left her. It was a rotten, sick weight that lived in her; the guilt. The anger of knowing that valid reasons had led her to that point, to the point of wanting and needing the break up but – _her  mom._

She allowed herself to think about her, remember her. Alex Vause. Drug dealer – no, no. Importer. Beautiful green grayish eyes, shiny black hair, plum lips, annoyingly endearing smile… The way she looked at her before things started to fall apart, the way her hair felt on Piper’s naked chest in the mornings, the way she kissed her and made her head spin, the way she smiled at her, like she was the only person that could made her that happy and _fuck_ if they weren’t so goddamn happy before everything went to shit.

 

Piper sat down in a bench, cradled her head in her hands. _God,_ she whispered. It had haunted her for so long. And now, she knew for a fact Alex was in town. She was _near._

 

She needed to talk to her.

 

The guilt at how things had ended consumed her, and the sight of her in such a bad shape had left and unwanted worry in her heart that she couldn’t shake off. Every day she found herself wanting a drink more. She had to do something. She needed to find her. Otherwise she might just end up tripping, and Alex being back in her life left an all too wide window for excuses. She couldn’t let that happen.

 

So she went to the hospital again. She sat in the waiting room waiting for inspiration because she knew she couldn’t just walk up to reception and ask for her number or her address and so, she sat there and waited, trying to come up with something but it looked like luck was on her side for once.

 

“Miss Chapman, right?” It was Dr. Dennis. He smiled kindly after Piper’s nod and continued, “What are you doing here?”

 

“I-uh.” She made a decision. “I need help. Are you busy? Can I talk to you privately?” He frowned. Hesitated.

 

“Are you hurt?”

 

“No, I just… Could use your help with something.”

 

He looked both ways and checked his watch and Piper waited patiently.

 

“Yes, of course. Come this way.” He took her to a room just around the corner and sat on the edge of a table, waiting for her to talk.

 

Piper took in a long breath and began, “The last time I came here, when you removed my stitches, there was a woman in the room right next to the elevator, her name is Alex Vause. She’s… _was…_ uh, we – she was my friend.” She was stumbling over her words and the doctor’s frown had deepened.

 

“Alex Vause? You know her?”

 

“Uh, yes.” There was a strange look in his face. “Why?”

 

“She…” He shook his head. “What do you want with her?”

 

“I mean… you must have records of her, her phone number maybe?” She let the question hang in the air and he let out a long breath.

 

“I’m sorry but you know I can’t do that. Those records are private.”

 

“Yes, but-”

 

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m really busy, I have to go.”

 

“Wait. Please. I just need her number, I _need_ to talk to her.” She pleaded.

 

He really looked sorry when he shook his head and said, “have a nice day” and pushed himself out of the table and left with one last sorry glance at her. Piper didn’t move. She stood there for a while, against the wall, arms hanging. She didn’t know where to go now. She had no idea how to find her.

 

When someone appeared and kicked her out of the room, she walked aimlessly down the halls. In no time, she was in front of Alex’s old room. The door was open and she saw there was someone else there already, asleep. Alex’s scent was gone from her pillow.

 

She felt someone behind her and turned around just in time to see him sighing.

 

“You know you can’t be here.”

 

Piper gave him a small smile. She hesitated one last second before deciding to go for it. “She was my girlfriend.” She explained with a soft voice. “For three years. We traveled the world together.” She let out a string of a laugh and glanced at him shyly before going back to staring at the stranger lying in the bed _she_ used to be in. “Things didn’t end well. It was hard.  I... I hadn’t seen her in two years.”

 

Dr. Dennis sighed again and then, to Piper’s surprise, laughed.

 

“These patients with sad stories are going to be the death of me. Or…” He said as he swiftly touched Piper’s hand, placing a tiny sliver of paper in it. “The end of my career. Have a good day.” He said with a nod and walked away. All Piper was able to muster was a shocked, _thank you_. She took the elevator to the first floor and rushed to the wide glass doors, stepping out into a warm orange sunset and sat down in the first bench she found.

 

Slowly, she unraveled the paper and her heart beat frantically against her chest.

 

She had her number.

 

Without wasting a second, she pulled her phone out of her purse and typed the number, pressing the call button and waiting with a knot in her stomach.

 

“Vause.”

 

And she froze. What could she say? What was she doing? Her voice sounded better, not as raspy as it had been but she sounded tired. For the first time she wondered if she was still working in the ring and dread wrapped around her heart.

 

“Hello?”

 

Piper closed her eyes and clenched her fist around the phone, pulling it away from her ear and harshly pressing the red end button. She gritted her teeth as a choked sob left her mouth because she should have thought about this. Even if she wasn’t working for the cartel anymore, which Piper highly doubted, she wouldn’t want to talk to her. Piper needed to think this through, she had to come up with something because she was _terrified_ of Alex rejecting her.

 

Her phone rang and she didn’t know who she more afraid of, Aaron or Alex, so she ignored it and threw it in her bag. It was late already so he would think she was at work. She went back to the subway, her hands still shaking, and started her way back to her part of town. Her way there was uncomfortable, her anxiety had returned with full force making her run her fingers painfully across her wrists, and sweat nervously. It was something she couldn’t help, the result of the craving in her stomach intensifying in the past week, making it harder for her to stand Aaron’s stench in the house. Seeing Alex again had unbalanced her whole world, had shattered the little control she had managed to create in her life since she left her, since the addiction, since the beatings.

 

And she didn’t know how to reestablish it. Her first idea had been alcohol and the inability to use that coping system was hitting her like a freshly acquired withdrawal.

 

She got to work and went into the bathroom to change her clothes. One thing Piper didn’t do often was looking at herself. She stood in front of mirrors, put make up on to cover all of the pain and hurt in her face and put on long sleeves shirts to cover more pain and hurt and she could handle that. Looking at her bruises, watching them in full blossom, dark purple tainting her skin and the slow discoloration to yellow until there was nothing there. Nothing to prove she had been hurt. It was like her skin was swallowing the physical pain, forever the working mill, and adding it up to her own reservation. Inside. All of her real bruises were inside. The real damage was in her eyes, she could see it, she could see herself. She could see the old Piper, that careless, happy and naïve girl that didn’t hesitate in following a drug dealer across the world in the same way she didn’t hesitate in leaving the love of her life shed to pieces.

 

That wasn’t right.

 

She stared into her own eyes and let out a low, painful laugh. If the roles were reversed, she wouldn’t want to see Alex again. Never again. And with reason. Trying to contact her was probably the worst idea she could have had. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

 

Stepping out, she immediately went to waiting tables, putting on fake smiles and her nice tone. It was a busy night. Around 11 it cooled down and Piper was able to sit in her break to eat dinner. She sat next to a window and she was idly chewing on some lettuce staring outside when she saw someone from the corner of her eye sitting in front of her. She looked up and froze.

 

“You’re in a restaurant, meaning you could be eating anything and you choose lettuce?”

 

“Alex.” She was back to her normal self, and she was looking beautiful with a casual but still impressive black dress. It reached a hand above her knees, the black against her ivory skin working together perfectly and Piper remembered going shopping with Alex and the fun they had in the dressing rooms. Her perfume filled her nostrils and that, together with the black eyeliner and her red lips, made her heart beat faster against her chest because Piper was bruised and wearing an apron over ragged jeans and a simple white t-shirt, and her hair was tied in a messy bun while Alex still looked like a goddamn sex symbol. Except she still looked pale and her eyes were a type of tired Piper hadn’t seen in Alex before. But there was a small glint, a glimpse of her old confident and penetrating look that still managed to render her speechless.

 

“Piper.” Alex arched her eyebrows, waiting for elaboration and when nothing came out she continued, “So, you work here.” She looked around, nodding her head and pursing her lips. Piper could sense the mocking behind her words and she tensed. “I liked you more in that stinky bar. At least you got free shots there. This restaurant doesn’t even have a bar.” She finished, looking personally offended by the lack of visible alcohol in the establishment.

 

“I like the lettuce better.” Was all she said. Alex let out a condescending laugh. “How’s your head?”

 

She looked confused by the question. “My head?”

 

“You –said you’d fallen? The nurse said something about possible complications, and you don’t seem hurt anywhere else, I just assumed it was your head.” She said awkwardly and for some reason Alex tensed at her words.

 

“Oh. Yeah. My head’s fine.” Alex scratched at her arms, like she’d done at the hospital and now that the shock of seeing her had passed she took a second to run that through her head. Something about the gesture was familiar but Piper couldn’t remember what from.

 

“Was it your head?” she asked hesitatingly and then, with more confidence, “What really happened to you, Alex?”

 

“I fell.” She insisted sharply and Piper looked away. After a moment, Alex continued and her words made Piper whip her head up, “So. _You_ called me today, didn’t you?”

 

Piper’s mouth was slightly agape, at a loss of words and Alex smirked that annoying, knowing smirk.

 

“How did you get my number? I’m not going to deny I was fairly surprised. Didn’t take you for the detective type.”

 

She was laughing at her, mocking her intention of trying to reach her, of maybe even attempting a normal conversation, a blatantly clear mistake. A blatantly stupid intention.

 

“How did you find me?” Piper asked instead and the glint in Alex’s eyes intensified a notch when her smirk widened.

 

“Come on, Pipes.” The nickname hit her like a brick but Alex ignored her reaction. “You know I have my resources.”

 

Piper shook her head slowly, a frustrated sigh leaving her mouth. “You still work for the cartel.” She couldn’t help the accusatory tone slipping into her voice and Alex’s voice was sharp as a knife when she replied.

 

“Well, these mules are not gonna collect themselves.”

 

Piper gritted her teeth. “Thought you’d be promoted by now.”

 

Alex smiled smugly and shrugged before saying, “I was. I enjoy that part way too much to give it up, though. Besides, some guys just don’t know how to give incentive, you know?”

 

Piper threw her cutlery on her plate, her meal unfinished and stood up as she said, a little louder than was necessary, “Yeah, you’re good at that. I hope those mules give you everything you want. Until, that is, they realize you’re just using them, of course.”

 

Alex laughed darkly, before shrugging again with a satisfied smile on her face, “There’s always more.” Piper was about to reply when she raised her arms in surrender and continued in a false conciliatory tone. Piper could see right through her, Alex was messing with her. “Hey, I just came here because you called. That’s because you wanted to talk, right? Although I guess you ended up being too much of a coward to see it through. Story of your life, huh.”

 

Piper gritted her teeth before muttering heatedly, “Fuck you.” And walked away, pushing the kitchen door open roughly.

 

“Hey. Is your break over already?” Asked one of her coworkers when she went in, a nice brunette named Michaela.

 

“No. I’m just going to the bathroom.” She said, rubbing her hands on her face.

 

“But the bathroom’s… that way.” She replied pointing at the door Piper had just walked in on.

 

“I know.” Piper looked up and met her questioning eyes. She sighed and turned around. “I’m going.” But the second she stepped out she spotted Alex still sitting at that table, talking to a waiter and when she saw her, she pointed at Piper. The waiter glanced at her and frowned. He said something to Alex and then she shrugged, resting back on her seat while the man turned around heading to Piper.

 

“Weren’t you on your break?”

 

“Wh- Yes, I am. What did she say to you?”

 

He shrugged. “She said you were her waitress and that she’d wait for you. I told her you were on your break but she insisted she’s going to wait.”

 

Piper closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. She nodded, took a menu and walked to her table. She placed the menu in front of her with forced gentleness, avoiding her eyes and folded her arms.

 

“I’ll give you some time to decide.” She only managed to take two steps backwards before her voice stopped her.

 

“Wait.” She opened the menu, her eyes skimming over it disinterestedly and crossed her legs before half turning to her with an arched eyebrow. “What do you recommend?”

 

“You like burgers.” She mumbled and Alex laughed but it wasn’t mocking like before. Glancing at her again, she saw bitterness in her eyes.

 

“Wow, personalized service and all, huh? This place is not that bad.”

 

“I was just saying, we have burgers.”

 

“Okay. Fine. A burger, a scotch and a margarita.” She said, closing the menu and handing it to Piper, who tensed up and shakenly took it.

 

“You’re meeting someone?”

 

“No. I’m buying you a drink.” Piper gripped the menu tighter in her hands.

 

“I don’t-” She shook her head. She couldn’t look at her. “I can’t drink at work.” She ended up saying. From the corner of her eye, she saw Alex shrug.

 

“Bring whatever you want to drink.” Piper couldn’t find the strength to protest when all she felt was relief over Alex not insisting in buying her a drink. Her self-control had never been the best in her presence. So she simply walked away, straight into the kitchen to place the order and then straight to Michaela to ask her to pour the scotch.

 

“Um, okay?” She answered confused but didn’t question her. Piper set off to make herself an orange juice and when Michaela returned with the scotch, Piper had to only glance at it to realize she couldn’t do it.

 

“Could you… take it to her?” Michaela seemed surprised and opened her mouth to say something but ended up just shaking her head and mumbling _sure_ before walking away.

 

She finished making her orange juice and leaned against the door of the kitchen, waiting for her order to be up while she watched Alex from the tiny window to the dining room. She didn’t seem surprised when Michaela was to the one to hand her her drink. She played with the glass between her thumbs for a second, the ice cube swirling inside and Piper swallowed, feeling her throat dry up. She then threw her head back when in several big gulps drank the whole thing, her throat visibly working as she swallowed. Piper forced herself to look away. She saw Alex raise her hand to order something else, and soon there was another glass in her hands. Just then, the burger was done and she took the plate, stopping to take in a long breath before stepping out and walking to her table.

 

“Took you long enough.” She glanced at her and saw the glass of juice in her tray, right before Piper sighed and sat down in front her, taking a sip. “Orange juice?” Piper shrugged. “Cute.”

 

“Why did you come here, Alex?”

 

“You-”

 

“I know I called. So what?” The sight of Alex’s glass was making her anxious. She shrugged again, trying to seem nonchalant and continued, “You made it pretty clear in the hospital you weren’t interested in having a conversation with me.”

 

Alex scoffed. “Can you blame me?”

 

“No.” She answered and Alex stilled. “So what changed?”

 

She draw back, stretched her arm to grab her glass and took it to her lips, muttering, “I don’t know,” before taking a sip. She placed the glass back and Piper kept her eyes trained on her face noticing the way her lips curled slightly as a reaction to the bitter taste of scotch. Alex seemed unperturbed. Piper swallowed visibly. After a second, she sighed loudly. “You put yourself as my emergency contact.”

 

Shock and then embarrassment painted in Piper’s face and she mumbled, “How did you-”

 

“The hospital called to confirm.”

 

“Oh.” She said, closing her eyes for a second because _of course_. She should have thought about that.

 

“Why?” Alex asked simply with her eyes narrowed, distrust etched in her features. Piper felt the impotence weighing her down, because she didn’t have an answer, nothing that could make sense in Alex’s head. Not after the way they had ended things. Not even Piper was completely sure why she’d done it.

 

But she wasn’t about letting Alex see the uncertainty in her answer so she just bit the inside of her cheek and said with attitude. “I don’t know.”

 

But Alex wasn’t having it. She frowned, a grimace on her face as if she was being held to an injustice. The withheld truth was something she wasn’t going to take.  “Why, Piper?” She growled. “After _two fucking years_ of _nothing_ , not even one goddamn call since my mother fucking died, you meet me at random and you think you can just act like you give a damn? Give me your puppy eyes, ask me how I’ve been, then put your name on my contacts list like you were my family?” She spit the last word but Piper didn’t back away, she held her burning gaze, waiting for her to finish while her voice raised louder and louder until Piper was sure everyone in the restaurant was hearing. Thank god it was almost closing time. Alex continued with an anger Piper hadn’t witnessed in her before, hatred spilling through every word, digging like knives into her heart. “Do you really thing that’s an _honorable_ approach?” She said mockingly. “What would you do if something did happen to me, huh? Would you show up, hold my hand, take me home when I’m free to go? Buy me food, and kiss me fucking goodnight?” She shook her head, letting out a short sarcastic laugh before giving a look with such disdain that Piper had to force herself to swallow the knot in her throat. Alex had never looked at her that way.

 

“I just wanted to make sure you were going to be alright-” Alex scoffed. “It’s true! Al, I-”

 

“Don’t. Don’t call me that.” She interrupted. She looked like she was about to snap, her fingers scratching at her arms again, roughly, but her anger wasn’t something that scared Piper. Her anger angered her back and she had forgotten this feeling, this power being fed by maybe just her presence, the certainty of being on equal ground and not in any actual danger. It was revitalizing. With Alex she wasn’t the weak one, she didn’t have to stay quiet and swallow back her words. With Alex she didn’t have to be afraid and just now did Piper realize how fucking angry _she_ still was.

 

“You think I wanted to find you in that hospital? I tried to leave before you saw me, Alex and it’s not like you’re such a fucking sweetheart to talk to, I just wanted to- I just wanted to make sure you’d be fine, I don’t know. You looked like shit. I’m sorry for worrying about you. _Jesus.”_ She raised her hands showing her palms in surrender and let them hit the table hard.

 

Alex was shaking her head and at the last bit she laughed darkly, her matter-of-factly tone and her next words making Piper shiver because she had never looked so vicious and her words had never been so cruel. Leaning forward, her palms pressing against the table just to get her point across more fully. “You’re a self absorbed _bitch_ and you only care about yourself so don’t you _dare_ make _me_ sound like I’m exaggerating. And most importantly, don’t you dare call me again because I want nothing to do with you, Piper.” With that, she stood up, threw some bills on the table and walked away. Piper was stunned for a second but she stood up as well and ran to the entrance door, catching it open behind Alex and grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop. She backed away as if she’d been burned when she felt her hand but in the heat of the moment Piper didn’t notice her reaction.

 

“It’s that what you came to tell me? To stay away?” Alex ignored her and kept walking. “That’s _bullshit,_ Alex and you know it.” She said having to run next to her to keep up with her long strides. “You didn’t have to come all this way just for that. You know why I put myself as your emergency contact, you know why I got your number.” She was backing away now, gritting her teeth and shaking her head but Piper’s next words made her stop dead in her tracks. “You know I _care._ I still care. _”_

Alex made a disgusted sound and said, “ _Fuck off,”_ before walking to the parking lot and into what was obviously her car, a shiny black elegant car. Piper stood there, her heart in her mouth waiting for Alex to turn on the engine and disappear from her life again, as smoothly as the first time, traceless again, except now it was her back that was turned to Piper’s. She felt frustration clawing at her insides, for losing it, for saying all the wrong things, for Alex for losing it and also saying all the wrong things. But truth was, they had never been good with words and two years later, despite all of the changes in themselves, their dynamic hadn’t changed. She thought she’d be wiser by now, that she would be able to control herself and say what she really meant to; just apologize like a normal person would and maybe Alex would too. But she couldn’t. Not when Alex was being so childish anyway. She groaned and buried her head in her hands, trying to erase the memory of Alex’s face when she had been the one to walk away. Her pleading; her unshed tears shining in her vulnerable eyes. The hurt and slightly surprised gasp. Piper remembered everything. And it hurt as much as that day.

 

When she felt a tear ran down her cheek, she rubbed her hands against her face roughly, trying to delete all evidence of her that might be left but instead caught sight of the car, still parked in the same spot. She gasped, unable to believe she _hadn’t left._ Slowly and with caution she approached the car, to find the front seat’s window rolled down and Alex leaning her head in the steering wheel, her hands clenched in tight fists against it.

 

“Alex.” Her voice was small, saying her name with reverence because she was hoping against hope that this delay was not just that but a chance to explain, a chance to finally _talk._

 

Alex choked out an unidentifiable sound, her face still hidden under her arms but it made her heart squeeze and Piper instinctively reached for the side of her face, trying to get her to look at her but she froze when Alex spoke with a voice just as small as hers, so small that Piper had to lean in to catch everything. And even though she already knew, she wished she didn’t hear it.

 

“I can barely _look at you._ ”

 

Instead of letting her hand reach her face, she used it to cover Alex’s fist barely touching her skin but that was enough to make Alex turn her head to the side and stare at the union of their hands.

 

“I know.” Whispered Piper.

 

“Good.” Whispered back Alex, closing her eyes.

 

They stayed like that for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Not Pulling Back

 

After that night, Alex didn’t call. A week passed. Piper checked her phone at least twenty times a day. Alex had told her that she’d call in a tone that let Piper know she wouldn’t have it the other way around. Piper was supposed to give her space now, she knew.

 

But she was never the patient type.

 

The second week she had to actively keep herself from checking her phone, otherwise the urge of ignoring her request and just calling her herself was too difficult too avoid.

 

Aaron hadn’t been home much these days. He had sold yet another piece, meaning he had money so Piper had a pretty good idea where he was and the state he was in. He got home so late it was early, maybe around 7 am if he got home at all but thankfully, he just stumbled into the couch instead of into the bedroom. Either way, Piper left him food from the restaurant in the fridge at night, and covered him with a blanket and left him a glass of water on the center table before she left early in the morning. Work was late but she couldn’t risk stumbling into him; the only thing worse than Aaron pissed was Aaron drunk and she was terrified every single minute that he’d wake up and start calling her name like he used to do. Before she learned.

 

They talked everyday though. He called her around 6, before she got into work he called and asked her at what time would she be out even though she always gave the same answer but he always slurred the words out so she knew why he had to ask everyday. She told him and he said something along the lines of _I hope I can catch you tonight, I’ve been crazy busy with work_. Piper thought it was funny how he took the effort of making something up to explain his absence. As if she would question him. She hummed in understanding and told him not to worry. He said he loved her before he hung up.

 

Piper said she loved him too.

 

There used to be a time, when Piper was still drinking, when they could talk. Like a real couple. They talked and even though Piper never told him about Alex, she did tell him a lot of things and so did he. They used to trust each other and share and _laugh_. It was hard most of the time to remember those times because well; most of the good memories were drunken memories. But they still counted, right? How had they gone from there to here? Piper knew that she had never been in love with him but she was sure that he was and at some point in their lives they had been each other’s only rock, the only person they could trust because they understood each other and their miseries, their problems, their lives and they didn’t _judge_. That’s what they had both wanted and needed at that point. No judging. Any penny they had they spent it on drinks and it had been fun, for a while, the absolute freedom and obliviousness. But then, Piper had wanted to rehabilitate because what they had wasn’t a life; waking up in crappy motel rooms everyday, not having stable jobs, living on the constant brink of homelessness. But Aaron hadn’t taken it too well.

 

The apartment they shared was the last thing her parents ever helped her with. Apparently, having an alcoholic daughter was something they had _definitely not_ signed up for, so when they found out in how much trouble she was in and why, they handed her over some money and told her that they expected she got better. Her mother still called, sometimes, and she sent her stuff with Polly but from her father she hadn’t heard in over a year now except from quick mentions of her mother in which he had allegedly said hello right before he rushed to work. Cal would show up too sometimes and he’d make jokes and make her life overall more bearable than usual but then he’d leave, off to live his healthy and normal – as normal as living in the middle of the woods alone can be – life. Her relationship with Polly was tense and wavering, because as much as she loved Polly and Polly loved her, she just _couldn’t understand_ Piper’s addiction. She couldn’t understand the concept of addiction, of being so caught up in something that you couldn’t stop even though you knew it was bad for you; and she couldn’t understand Piper’s motive either. What had propelled her to something so harmful as alcohol, what was she running away from. That was a question she asked a lot, at the beginning. Piper to herself too, although she knew exactly why. But thinking about what she was running away from, defeated the purpose of drinking yourself to oblivion so she had done the obvious thing. She’d forbidden herself to think of _her._

 

She also tried to avoid thinking about the venom in her veins, and how _this_ venom; Piper’s venom, and the venom that had driven her away from her were no different other than from their components. Venom is venom. It still kills you. It still eats you away. It still makes you rot inside.

 

Piper didn’t know what she was hoping to gain from being with Alex right now. She hadn’t told her anything yet, about her addiction, about Aaron, about her life in general and neither had she but she just wanted to _be_ with her. She wanted to feel alive again, and feel like Alex made her feel, and not feel frightened if just for a second and she knew there was no way for this to end well but she _needed it_. Because nothing had felt right in her life since the last time she had seen her and even if this ended badly, it couldn’t possibly be worse than the last time.

 

And she still had to hear back from Alex before she started worrying about that, anyway.

 

From the stitches there was left only a tiny scar, an addition to the others equally small because if Aaron was good at one thing, was at not leaving marks. Nothing lasting, at least. And Piper appreciated it too, because she had enough of the stares she had from the people at the hospital and the perceptive ones at work. She didn’t need them every second of her life.

 

On the third week, Piper began thinking that maybe Alex had never intended to call back. She had just wanted to get away and the thought made her feel sick to the stomach for three days straight and it only stopped when she saw her; waiting for her outside of the restaurant at two am in the morning, leaning on her car with her arms folded and her gaze fixed on Piper as she walked towards her. The sickness was swapped with a soft and yet thrilling fluttering in her stomach.

 

“You said you were going to call.” She said, almost unable to keep the smile off her face but Alex wasn’t smiling back. As she got closer, Piper noticed the bags under her eyes and the unusual paleness settled in her skin again, like it had been in the hospital. “Are you okay?” She asked, lifting a hand to her face but Alex swiftly evaded it, turning to her side and playing with the keys in her hands, and Piper caught her scratching her arms again but she didn’t think much of it because she was distracted from the pang in her chest at her rejection. She pulled her hand back and stared at her feet.

 

“Do you have any plans for tonight?” Alex asked, turning her back to her as she opened the passenger door. Piper shook her head and got in the car, her scent hitting her nose and she leant her head back, closing her eyes and breathing in, but there was also a weird smell that made Piper scrunch up her nose. It was like vinegar mixed up with something burned and it made the edges of her mind click, like she should remember, but before she could connect it to something Alex was getting into the car and their shoulders bumped when she leaned away to close the door.

 

She cleared her throat, throwing her an insecure look before looking away. She ignited the engine, backing away and leaving the parking lot.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“Nowhere. I just wanted to drive for a while.” There was something in her tone. Alex was on edge. Piper didn’t say anything until they reached a red light and then she cleared her throat to get her attention; touching her would just upset her more.

 

“Alex?”

 

“What?” She replied, her eyes never leaving the red light in front of her.

 

“Alex.” Insisted Piper, and this time she looked at her, raising her eyebrows questioningly. “How have you been?”

 

Alex huffed, turning away again. “Good. You?” She asked, clearly uninterested. She had never been one for small talk.

 

“Where have you been?” She glanced at Piper and rolled her eyes and Piper knew she wasn’t going to answer that, so she tried with something more casual. “What… have you been up to the last couple of weeks?”

 

She frowned, looked away and shrugged. “Work. Stuff.” Piper almost groaned. Alex was impossible and she was losing her patience.

 

“So you don’t want to tell me?” No answer. She gritted her teeth. “You brought me along to stare moodily at the window.” She stated bluntly. “Is that it?”

 

“You should definitely be a detective, Pipes.” Piper did groan this time and began shaking her head but she stopped when she caught her eyes; a gracious little smirk on her face. “No, I’m serious! You can get a dog, buy him a tiny detective hat and maybe even a vest. You’d look cute in a checkered hat and vest.” She insisted, cracking a bigger smile and Piper couldn’t help her lips tugging up a bit. She looked away and shook her head again, this time playfully.

 

“I look cute in everything.” She said after a second and Alex let out a short chuckle. The air lightened a bit and Piper guessed she didn’t need to know what had happened to Alex if she didn’t want to tell her. As long as she could make her smile, it’d be enough. For now.

 

She turned on the radio and turned up the volume enough that it silenced every other noise from outside and they just drove on down the city streets and soon into the highway. It was comfortable; their silence. Piper didn’t know where Alex was going, if she really just wanted to drive or if she had a plan but she didn’t care. Wherever it was, it was better than home; that was for sure.

 

Piper was gazing outside of her window, watching the lights and cars pass by until she happened to glance at Alex. She was singing silently, her lips moving to the lyrics of the song making Piper smile because it was a really sappy song and she would have teased her if it wasn’t because she hadn’t seen Alex so at ease since… Well, since before the break up. Way before. So she leant against her door, half facing her, staring shamelessly, while she tried to sing along to songs she’d never heard before, trying to embed in her memory every curve in her face; her high cheekbones, her full lips, her tight jaw, the path down her neck and then her hair, its tips reaching just below the curve of her breasts. The blue tips were gone, she noticed for the first time, disappointment weaving through her for no logical reason. There was just something to be felt about the fact that something so inherently _Alex_ was gone; from the day they met until the day they split up her tips had been blue with few in betweens and Piper couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed it before and even though she knew it was stupid and senseless, she couldn’t shake off the feeling of sadness rippling through her but her moment was interrupted when Alex spoke, still staring ahead.

 

“Do you know how uncomfortable it is having someone staring at your tits?” She glanced briefly at Piper. “And an ex.”

 

“What?”

 

Alex snapped her fingers. “Hey. Up here.”

 

Piper’s head whipped up and she began shaking her head frantically, stumbling over her words.

 

“What? No! I wasn’t!” She practically yelled and Alex arched her eyebrows. “I was just looking– I mean, your hair– It’s not blue anymore!” She straightened her back against her seat as she talked, setting more space between them in a rigid position until she noticed her shoulders shaking and she focused on her face, her body loosening when she saw that she was _laughing_. Genuinely, wholeheartedly _laughing_ and Piper was so stunned that she didn’t say anything for a second. But then, Alex took a turn and parked the car in one of those look outs to the city and leaned back, soft laughter rolling out of her and Piper just kept staring, no longer trying to make up excuses, because she knew it wasn’t only for the joke. She remembered too.

 

“You were totally staring at my boobs.” She said looking at her without any traces of disdain in her face for the first time since they’d met in the hospital and Piper’s cheeks pinked and not because of what she’d said.

 

“I wasn’t staring at your boobs that time and I wasn’t staring at them right now either you asshole.”

 

Alex chuckled, this time lower and it sent a chill down her spine. “Yes you were. You’re like the least subtle person in the world. Everyone else noticed.”

 

“I wasn’t and I am _not_.”

 

“Just admit it, Piper. It’s not like it’s a surprise. You always had a thing for my boobs.”

 

“ _Jesus.”_ She snorted out, turning her head so she couldn’t look at her face because the giddy smile would give her away. It was hard keeping her tone normal when her heart was leaping out of her chest at the familiar playful exchange but Alex laughed again, knowingly, and Piper said, “Shut up,” raising her hand to shove her shoulder. Alex caught it and pushed it away. Their hands went to rest on the middle of the car and it was all good despite of the thrumming of Piper’s heart, except Alex didn’t let go of her hand immediately.  From the look on her eyes, Alex wasn’t uncomfortable, she wasn’t thinking anything of this; her shoulders were still shaking, her chest still vibrating with her laugh and her smirk was smug and knowing and so _so Alex_ and Piper couldn’t help it. The familiarity struck her hard in the chest and in a courageous outburst, she interlaced their fingers together, holding tight, feeling her cold hand and wanting to warm it and warm _her-_

 

She regretted it immediately. Alex stared at their joined hands for a second- and her smile faded.

 

“I need a smoke.” She said, and just like that she pulled away; breaking the spell. She palmed her jacket with a hand while she opened her door with the other. She got out of the car but Piper didn’t, resting her head back and letting out a long breath.

 

_That was stupid._

 

She watched Alex lean against the hood of the car, smoke curling around her as she gazed at the shining city below. With a sigh, Piper stepped out, going to stand next to her with her arms folded.

 

“You smoke now.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I wasn’t looking at your tits.”

 

Alex’s lips tugged up the slightest bit but Piper could tell her defenses were up again. “Okay.”

 

“Can I have one?”

 

Alex quirked her eyebrows but took one out for her, and when Piper put it in her mouth Alex leaned in closer with the flame of the lighter guarded by her hands, her face closer to Piper’s than it had ever been since they met again.

 

“You’re supposed to breathe in now.” She said with her smoke dangling on the edge of her mouth and a small smirk. Piper breathed in and almost immediately choked. “Have you ever even smoked before?” She asked mockingly.

 

“Yes.” Replied Piper defiantly but her remark was watered down by her coughing fit and Alex just chuckled amusedly. When she could breathe again, she put the cigarette back in her mouth and took a long drag, relishing in the bitter taste in her mouth and the long exhale of smoke. Smoking was a vice, just like alcohol but you could show up at work after you’d been smoking. Not the same rules for drinking, not the same consequences. Maybe she should have picked smoking instead of drinking. Then again, she guessed it wasn’t a choice and drinking was a lot better at heartbreak than smoking. And she could not have afforded two addictions at once. She almost let out a laugh at that.

 

She flicked the butt of her cigarette and smashed it with her heel, itching to ask Alex for another one but she resisted. Barely. Her anxiety was hitting her full strength lately, after Alex’s return, after Alex’s disappearance and now her moody, defensive self again. She didn’t know if she would give her the chance to really talk, without the screaming and the scoffing and the glares. Piper didn’t even know if _she_ ’d be able to handle that. Somehow, Angry Alex was better than Hurt Alex.

 

“Why do you do that?”

 

“What?” She looked up surprised to find Alex’s barely concealed curious eyes on her.

 

“ _That_.” Replied Alex, gesturing at her and Piper looked down to find her fingers twitching around her wrist, rubbing; and fingernails scratching her skin. It was a nervous habit she’d picked up after the addiction, and it hurt. Her reddened skin was a proof of that, but she was already so accustomed to it, she didn’t even notice anymore. It was her natural reaction to a sober stressful situation. But she couldn’t tell Alex that.

 

“I don’t know.” She said softly, wrapping her hand around her wrist to stop herself and soothe her skin. She remembered the way Alex scratched her own arms when they were in the restaurant, when she’d been bothered by a question. She still couldn’t pinpoint where that gesture was familiar from. “Why do you do it?”

 

“Do what?” It was Alex’s turn to be surprised now.

 

“Scratch your arms. I saw you in the hospital and in the restaurant. You scratch your arms when you’re upset.”

 

Instinctively, Alex’s left hand flew to her right arm, hidden by her jacket.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

Piper narrowed her eyes. “Why do you keep lying to me?”

 

Alex scoffed. “Like you’ve been so honest.”

 

Piper didn’t know what to say for a second and then she stuttered out, “I haven’t lied to you.”

 

Alex chuckled bitterly this time.

 

“I know when you’re lying, Piper. You’re a shitty liar.”

 

“You’re not. Doesn’t mean I can’t still tell when you are.”

 

Alex took a drag of her cigarette and stayed silent. Piper strode forward, and bent down with her arms resting on the railing, looking down at the city. She heard the gravel behind her, footsteps and then the radio spiking up. Alex went to stand next to her, but with her back to the city, facing the road. Piper recognized the song and smiled faintly.

 

“I love this song.”

 

Alex flicked the butt of her cigarette and stepped on it. “I know.”

 

They stayed silent again and Piper pretended that everything was okay, that Alex didn’t hate her, that she didn’t hate Alex either not one bit and that they were still traveling together, in love and careless and free. Just enjoying a night out. Pretended that she didn’t have to get home to a drunk man, that she didn’t have to call home a place that she hated, that everything was just the way it used to be, when she was happy. She hadn’t allowed herself to do that for so long. She missed her life, she missed herself, she missed Alex. She missed her, she did. And she was standing right next to her after _so long_ but it still felt like she wasn’t there. She still felt a thousand miles away.

 

Piper sighed and closed her eyes and when she opened them, she felt the weight of Alex’s stare on her. She turned her head to look at her and her heart throbbed painfully. She looked so lost.

 

“If you’re tired, we can go back.”

 

Piper watched her lips move and then shook her head lightly. Slowly, but without hesitation, she let her head fall against Alex’s shoulder and when Alex didn’t pull back, Piper sighed again.

 

“Alex-”

 

“Don’t.”

 

“What?” She lifted her head and Alex met her eyes. They were pleading and hurt and _open_ and her breath caught in her throat because everything was there for her to see and _she wished it wasn’t._

 

“Just- Don’t. Okay?”

 

It took her a second to react, to be able to breathe again but then she bit her lip, and looked away to gather herself. She nodded slowly, her eyes finding her shoes first and then her face again and she whispered, “yeah, okay,” before letting her gaze wander away. She could feel her eyes on her but she didn’t look back and after a minute Alex sighed and turned around, her shoulders bumping together. She didn’t pull away this time.

 

It had to be around 4 am and she had been up since 8 and she was so tired but she didn’t want to go home yet and say goodbye to her and then Alex let out a soft laugh and nudged her and Piper realized she’d started to doze off.

 

“Come on. Let’s go back.”

 

“No, I’m good.”

 

“You’re falling asleep, Piper.”

 

“No, I’m not.” Alex raised her eyebrows and Piper sighed. Rubbed her eyes roughly. Alex was still waiting. She sighed again, louder. She was so tired. “Don’t disappear for another month.”

 

Alex narrowed her eyes slightly, defensiveness shinning briefly but it was only a second. She readjusted her glasses before she sniffled. A small shrug. “It wasn’t a month.”

 

“Nearly.”

 

She rolled her eyes but her voice was still restrained when she answered. “You wanna go or not?”

 

“What about next week?” Insisted Piper.

 

This time she shot back angrily. “I’ll call you.”

 

“That’s what you said last time.”

 

“And here we are, aren’t we?” There was a ghost of a smirk on her lips and Piper gritted her teeth, annoyed.

 

“How hard can it be to just _make a goddamn plan._ ”

 

“Well I’m sorry if I’d rather use my free time for anything _but_ walking my ex around.”

 

“Alex- You’re not _walking me around_ , I’m not a fucking dog.”

 

Alex scoffed, her face a mixture of mocking and annoyance and she was clearly enjoying watching her lose control and she didn’t waste a second before she replied, “Glad to see you still get mad at the stupidest things.”

 

“Can’t say the same about you still being an asshole.” Piper spat before walking away back to the car and she heard her laugh behind her.

 

“Yeah, same old Piper. Running away is a habit you just can’t shake, can you?”

 

She ignored her and kept walking because if she stayed she might have ended up saying something she’d regret later. Her foot-in-mouth disease could do nothing to help her situation with Alex. She was the queen of smartass answers. She opened her door wide open before getting in and closing it harshly. In less than a minute, Alex was shutting her own door, fastening her seat belt and Piper could _feel_ her bubbling anger but hers was in full blown motion and without looking at her, she shut her eyes trying to keep herself from yelling and began, “you go from being actually _nice_ to a complete asshole in one fucking second. Can’t you behave for just one night?” She clenched her fists, trying to find the right thing to say. “I want to talk to you, Alex, is that really too much to ask?”

 

Alex let her head fall back and groaned. “Jesus fucking _shi-”_ She pushed her glasses back roughly, and rearranged her body so that she was half facing her, but she did it so fast that it threw her off and Piper’s heart skipped a beat before she reminded herself that this was Alex she was with. She swallowed, moved so that she was facing her too, her back to the door and listened, her heart painfully heavier in her chest with every word she said. “We _are_ talking, Piper. What do you want? A teary eyed conversation where we both apologize and cry and then walk hand in hand into the sunset and make as if nothing ever happened? ‘Cause that’s not going to happen.” She finished bluntly. “This is as much as I can give you and if you don’t like it then-” She hesitated for a heartbeat, her eyes showing a flash of vulnerability before she gritted her teeth and plough on. “Then you say so and we never see each other again.” She moved to face the steering wheel again and shoved the key into the ignition but instead of starting the car she fell back and continued, softer this time. “And for the record; telling me to _behave_ sounds a lot more like talking to a dog than _walking you around.”_

After that it was silent. Piper was still facing her, her eyes trained on her lap, her stomach twisting uncomfortably because maybe this was the moment Alex gave up and said goodbye and never appeared again and oh, she could do that so well and she could, she _could_ and _fucking shit_ , everything had been so good for a minute-

 

She straightened her back, falling loudly back on her seat.

 

“I hate apologizing.”

 

“Yeah, well, maybe you should stop fucking up.” She shot back easily, fidgeting with her glasses.

 

“Are you going to tell me what happened to you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you going to promise not to let three weeks pass this time?”

 

She started the car and Piper jumped at the sound. Alex glanced at her with an almost endearing look on her eyes and an almost smile on her lips.

 

“I guess I could do that. Theoretically.”

 

Piper sighed and looked away to hide her lips tugging up, before she muttered _thank you_ so softly she didn’t know if Alex had heard. But then Alex’s hand briefly brushed hers before it went to rest on the control center and a full smile graced her lips.

 

For a second.

 

“So, where do you live?” She pulled out into the drive way, pressing the accelerator. The car roared.

 

Piper’s mind raced. Aaron never got back before 6 am but she couldn’t risk him spotting her leaving a car. And also the thought of Alex seeing the dump she lived in made her almost embarrassed.

 

“You can just leave me at the restaurant, I can take a cab from there.”

 

Alex frowned. “You don’t have to, I can take you.”

 

“It’s alright, it’s actually even walkable, I always walk home.”

 

Alex’s frown deepened and she seemed confused until realization hit her and her face darkened.

 

“Listen, just because I showed up at your job doesn’t mean I’ll-”

 

“It’s not that.” She interrupted bluntly. Alex raised her eyebrows questioningly but Piper just shook her head. It was her time to be stubborn.

 

“Fine.” Said Alex. They drove in silence, the radio turned off. Piper would have to come up with excuses to be out with Alex for when Aaron went back to lying in the couch. That’s if Alex ever showed up again. She turned her head to look at her and once again let her eyes wander down her face. Her eyes were still dark and her jaw tight. The bags under her eyes more accentuated by her tense face. Piper sniffled.

 

“You look tired.”

 

 “I am.” She replied somewhat softly after a second and it took Piper by surprise.

 

She waited another second before she made up her mind. “Why did you go see me?”

 

Alex glanced at her and in that brief moment Piper had all the answer she needed. _I miss you too_ , she wanted to say. But it wasn’t good enough.

 

Piper found Alex’s hand that was resting on her thigh and held it. She flipped it gently, ran her fingers up her palm and interlaced their fingers together. Alex didn’t pull back.

 

They drove like that until Piper had to leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Today Is A Good Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be honest here, I'd completely forgotten I had posted this on ao3 too, so I'm just going to post everything I have so far, which are three more chapters. Sorry, guys! Anyway, all comments are appreciated :)

“Thank you for the ride. I had a good time.”

 

Alex’s lips tugged up. “Me too.”

 

Piper opened her door and the cold night air wisped in. She shivered.

 

“Tuesday.”

 

“What?” She whipped her head around, eagerly waiting for her to elaborate. She wasn’t ready to go yet, leave her side.

 

“I have a meeting on Tuesday and after that I’m free. I’ll pick you up at two am, when you’re leaving for work. If that’s okay with you.” She hurriedly finished, and then cringed slightly, embarrassed at her insecurity.

 

“No, yeah, of course, I mean, that’s great. That’s-” She cleared her throat, willing her heart to beat slower. _Jesus. Chill_. “Cool. I’ll see you on Tuesday then.” She nodded her head awkwardly and Alex stared at her amusedly before she shook her head and muttered a simple _okay._

Piper slipped out and closed the door but she hovered over the rolled down window. Alex pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, ran her hand down her hair.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you to your house?”

 

“Yes, it’s ok.” She said in a small voice and Alex nodded before relaxing against her seat. “What?”

 

“Go take your cab. I’ll wait.”

 

“You don’t have to do that.”

 

Alex sighed tiredly. “Just go, Pipes.”

 

  1. She smiled. Every time she said it, it sounded softer, less mocking, more meaningful.



 

“Bye.” Piper waved her hand and hesitatingly turned around, hoping Alex would call her again, trying to find something else to say and even though there were so many things she would want to say, nothing sufficed. So she kept walking.

 

When her cab arrived, she looked back to search for her eyes for one last time, but the street lights reflected in her windshield, blinding the inside of the car. Piper waved anyway and with a sigh, got in and muttered her address, resting her head back and shutting her eyes.

 

 

‘ _So. You’re not answering your phone again. I swear to god, Piper I’m only warning you once, if you don’t answer soon I’m coming over.”_ There was a pause, Polly letting her last sentence hang threateningly and Piper almost smiled. _“Anyway, what I wanted to say was that Pete and I wanted to invite you to our house, kinda like a dinner party but with only close friends, and; congratulations asshole, you’re one of them! You have three days to answer, otherwise I’m going over and dragging you here myself.’_

 

_Not even a goodbye? Jesus._

 

Piper ran her hands down her face, smoothing the wrinkles of her frown before grabbing the six pack of beers she’d bought and practically throwing it inside the fridge. She shut the door loudly and spun around only to lose her momentum and trip backwards, her back stopping against the fridge door, her head falling back.

 

Polly didn’t know about Aaron.

 

They’d met, once or twice in the beginning, when they were alright and Piper was sure he’d be her way out of the hole that was Alex Vause. Polly had encouraged her, probably only focusing on the ‘getting over the ex’ part and choosing to ignore the ‘raging alcoholism’ they both faced and she had actually been there for her, when she’d been at her worst but there was only so much she could do for something she didn’t understand and it was never without judging; Piper could feel it. When she’d decided to quit… that’s when the bad had started and it had managed to sever the threads of her relationship with her best friend that were left.

 

They were still reaching for each other, Piper more desperately than Polly, still grasping for that connection with her old life, something to remember her old self by. But at the same time, she was the one pulling away, trying to keep her distance, cold, unattached. She couldn’t be herself with Polly, she couldn’t show her feelings, she couldn’t t _alk_ to her. She couldn’t just pretend everything was alright with Aaron there, smashed right in between her previous life, her _good_ life and what her life was now. She didn’t blame him though. Piper knew he wasn’t to blame, she knew it wasn’t him who’d gotten her to this point and _jesus – he’s not always bad._

 

Polly wouldn’t understand. Same as she didn’t understand with Alex.

 

She cleared her throat, reached forward to lean her weigh on the counter while she dialed Polly back.

 

“Hi, Pols. I know, I know. Yes, I’m alright, I just got your message. Yeah. We’re going.”

 

“Do I really have to wear a tie? This is ridiculous, I feel ridiculous.” Aaron let his arms fall to his sides resignedly.

 

“You look nice.” Said Piper, still fumbling with his tie, brown furrowed in concentration. “And it’s not even tight, its just to give you an air of formalness.”

 

“Why do I need an ‘air of formalness’ when we’re going to have dinner with your friends? I don’t dress up to hang out with _my_ friends.”

 

She sighed, flatting her hands against his chest and looking up to him. He was almost a head taller than her, which always made Piper feel like he was towering over her. She suppressed a shiver.

 

“This is not dressing up, babe; and besides it’s only for a while. Come on, Pete’s going to be there, you like Pete.”

 

“I also like staying in, watching tv on my couch, in my house.”

 

“You sound like a grandpa.” She said with a small smile and he scoffed before finally relaxing against her hands. “It’s going to be fun, I promise.” He sighed and gave her a smile and Piper finished his tie quickly before turning around to look herself in the mirror again. She began checking her makeup as she said distractedly, “Honey, go get the pie out of the fridge, would you?”

She gasped and froze when she felt strong hands wrapping around her middle and holding her in place and with a rough laugh he spun her around, pressing his body against hers.

 

“Why do you get to wear normal clothes today?”

 

She swallowed, hard, and waited a second to make sure her voice wouldn’t fail her. _It’s alright._

 

“I have to get to work after the party, you know that. Are you saying I don’t look pretty?” She asked, trying to instill mock into her voice.

 

“Of course you do, babe.” He whispered in her ear youthfully and Piper let her hands wander from his chest to his neck. He pressed their bodies tighter together. “But I think you’d look way prettier without them, right now. How’s that for formalness?” He laughed earnestly and Piper let herself relax a bit because he had been in such a good mood lately and to be fair, she hadn’t been much around and maybe he missed her and maybe she missed him too and today was supposed to be a good day. Maybe its all about having faith that things will be fine. So she let him push her back and she didn’t cringe when his stubble rubbed against her skin and she suppressed the anxious looks behind her back to watch when she was going to hit the bed and she let him think her breathing was labored because of the heat of the moment instead of the fear of his weight on top of her, trapping her, asphyxiating her.

 

They were half an hour late and man, was Polly going to be pissed.

 

They rang the doorbell, Piper awkwardly waiting for the door to open, eager to plunge forward and feel the pressure of his hand on her waist fade. He always did that when they were in public. Keep a strong grip on her, glued to his side, his eyes always on her, as if he was marking her as his possession, his territory. She could feel him as if he were breathing on her neck.

 

 _Today is a good day,_ she kept reminding herself, _and things are gonna be just fine._

When the door opened, an unimpressed and ironic-looking Polly welcomed them.

 

“Well, nice to see you made it.”

 

“Sorry, Pols.” She started conciliatory. “Got a bit delayed. _But_ , we brought pie!”

 

“That’ll get you through Pete but I hope you thought of something to gain _my_ forgiveness.” She said coldly but with the ghost of a smile.

 

“Oh come on. I bet Pete hasn’t even realized we’re late.”

 

“Of course he hasn’t, tonight’s the game. Now, hello Polly, nice seeing you, if you’ll excuse me I have a game to catch.” Interrupted Aaron, squeezing past them and patting Polly on the back. She arched her eyebrows and Piper just shrugged apologetically.

 

“Guys.”

 

“I still think they’re better than girls.” Quipped Polly with a sideways look.

 

“Says the one that hasn’t been with any.” Replied Piper immediately with a laugh.

 

“I don’t really think I’m missing anything.”

 

“Yeah well, you’ll never really know will you?” Said Piper with a wink and Polly narrowed her eyes playfully.

 

“Are you flirting with me, Pipe? Because you’re my best friend and all but I think that’s as far as-”

 

“Shut up.” She interrupted, bumping her hip against hers because her hands were still busy with the pie. Polly let out a laugh and nudged her forward, opening the door wider for her to enter.

 

Inside it smelt good. It smelt of varnished furniture and expensive beer. It smelt of long and sunlit afternoons and well-placed dinner tables, freshly washed clothes, strawberry shampoo and even her father’s cologne.

 

_Today is a good day._

“When did you get a new library?” She asked surprised and Polly looked surprised as well.

 

“A while ago. How long has it been since you’ve been here?” Piper didn’t answer and Polly sighed, stepping forward to take the pie. “Go take a look. You can borrow anything you want.”

 

Piper giggled. “Thanks, Pol, I’ll be right back to help you with everything.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” She said dismissively and Piper rushed off to the library. It really was big _. And_ pretty. She ran her fingers down the spine of its books, and then went back only to stop and read the titles, smiling at the ones that she remembered discussing at college, her favorite ones. Her life was so different then. And then she’d met Alex and—she went faster with a frown on her face, looking for… — _here it is_ , she mumbled, pulling a book out. She still remembered _her_ favorite book and their favorites were very much alike which meant Alex’s favorites were very much alike Polly’s favorite, a similarity she had never been willing to accept despite the love she had for books discussions. Her heart sped up at the flashing idea of calling her. It’d been 5 days since she’d heard from her and Tuesday was still two days away. To be honest, her hand had been itching to call her for days and now, and right now she seriously considered slipping out to the balcony and just _call her_ and hear her _voice_ -

 

“Found anything you like?”

 

Piper startled visibly at her best friend’s voice and she dropped the book she’d been aimlessly turning in her hands while Polly laughed out loud.

 

“What’s with you, Pipe? You’re so jumpy lately.”

 

“Well if you didn’t sneak up on me I probably wouldn’t get scared.” She bit back, bending down to pick it up.

 

“Ha! Sneak up on you. Let me remind you I’m in my house.”

 

Piper shoved the book under her armpit protectively before she stood up, trying to keep Polly’s eyes off the title not because she’d know- she wouldn’t- and not even because she’d have to tell her- again, she wouldn’t- but because for some childish and ridiculous reason just the point of sharing the title, even if it was Polly’s own book, would feel like letting some of that beautiful secret out. So she turned slightly to the left and threw a laugh as natural as she could muster, which considering her acting skills are practically non-existent, is not much to say.

 

“You okay?” Asked Polly, side-eyeing her body. “Why are you being weird?”

 

“I’m not being weird.” And then quickly changing the subject. “I think I might borrow a book or three, Pols, you’ve got a good collection here.” She said patting the books awkwardly but Polly didn’t seem to notice. Her chest practically puffed out. She was always a show off.

 

“We needed to fill so much space with _something_.” She said looking around and so did Piper, unable to help feel a twinge of envy in the bottom of her heart, because it was such a beautiful house and everything looked exactly like it should, something far beyond the lack of beer cans thrown on the floor but in the well-placed candle-like lightbulbs, the all white tiles in the kitchen, the appropriate furniture in every room, the matching colors all around them. It was so simple. Piper wanted it. That simple life back, she wanted it.

 

But she swallowed everything in and just nodded her head slowly, letting her eyes roam around the place and then stopping in Polly who was looking so proud and happy of her house. Her home.

 

Piper stepped forward and hugged her.

 

“You love Pete, right?”

 

“Uh, yeah, of course I do.” She replied confusedly, her arms tentatively reaching up to hug her back.

 

“I’m really happy for you, Polly.”

 

At that, Polly made a little _oh_ sound and hugged her back more strongly for a second before she said, “Thanks, Pipe. You’re still my best friend, you know that right? Even though you’re MIA most of the time.” Piper laughed but stopped dead short when she heard her next words. “And I’m sure you’re not so far from this with Aaron. You guys just need to get your shit together. And it’s about time.”

 

Piper froze and then cleared her throat, nodding her head with a small choked laugh before she pulled away, avoiding Polly’s eyes.

 

“Yeah, maybe. Do you need help with anything in the kitchen?”

 

“Uh, no, I think we’re good. You could go say hi to the rest of the guests, they’re in the living room.” She said, pointing to the left and then, “Are you sure you’re okay, Piper? Is everything okay with Aaron?”

 

She hesitated just a second, looking at her friend but then she shook her head and snapped out of it.

 

“Yeah, we’re good. I’m good. And, okay, let me just put this in my bag and I’ll be right with you.” She said, gesturing to the book under her armpit. Polly nodded and walked away to the next room bursting with noise and Piper stepped close to the library again to pick up her bag. She opened it and glanced at the book, running a finger down its cover, a smile grazing her lips. Just then her phone started ringing and her heart leapt out of her chest.

 

_What if it’s her, it must be her, this can’t be a coincidence, I was thinking about her and-_

 

She was gaping at her phone, gripping it tightly in her hands which were slightly shaking. Two months. Her mom hadn’t called in two months. And neither had Piper but to be fair, whenever her mother said goodbye it always somehow felt like she was relieved to be done, like she had fulfilled her yearly share of motherly interest and was so proud of herself to be done. Piper always ended those conversations with a hole in her chest; and she would much rather be at home to take this call but if she didn’t answer, her mother might not call back. And god, despite everything, she wanted to talk to her so bad.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Piper.”

 

“Mom, hi.” There was a silence, and then she sighed, walked to the nearest sitting place and made herself comfortable. “How have you been?”

 

“Well, not entirely good. You children are going to be the death of me.”

 

Piper sighed again, this time mockingly and a half smile reached her lips. “What did Cal do now?”

 

“He decided it was in his best interest to stop answering his phone because it distracted him from the beautiful and untouched by mankind nature surrounding him. I don’t know what he thinks he is. So now we’re only communicating through letters. What is this, the 19th century?” She finished in a high pitched, offended tone; pausing for a second to let Piper grasp just what a fool her brother was being and then carried on, still judgmental. “And Danny is seeing this dreadful young lady that _burps_ at the dinner table.”

 

“ _Mom_. Come on-”

 

“She even has one of those—” she cleared her throat and lowered her voice. “Black people braids? It’s horrific, Piper, I don’t know who she’s trying to fool.”

 

“A dreadlock, mom? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

 

“She is not even a brunette!” Piper opened her mouth to answer her but it was pointless, honestly. Her mother never approved of their couples but Danny was held to a much higher standard than her and Cal. Piper almost felt bad for him. After a second of silence, and after realizing her daughter wasn’t going to answer, Carol continued with her long list of sufferings. “And your father, for some reason keeps adding work to himself meaning I am alone in the house most of the time.”

 

Her mother was waiting for an answer. “Wow, that sounds positively horrific.” Piper replied, even pursing her lips in the way her mother did when she sounded reproachful but her mother didn’t seem to notice the jab.

 

“Did you hear about Mackenzie?” She interrupted, lowering her tone.

 

“Uh, no. Who’s Mackenzie?”

 

Carol clicked her mouth, annoyed.

 

“Mackenzie, the girl that went to highschool with you? She was only one year ahead of you.”

 

Piper rolled her eyes and conceded, “yeah, okay. What about her?”

 

“She died.”

 

She almost let out a laugh. Tragic. “Oh.”

 

“Is that all you have to say? She was about your age. It was so sad.”

 

“I barely knew her, mom.”

 

“I think I’m going to stop by her funeral.”

 

“Did you ever even talk to her?”

 

“Oh, Piper, a girl is dead.” She said in an annoyed voice, and Piper decided to drop it. Searching for something to say, a knot formed in her throat and she had to swallow a few times before she could gather herself again. Always the same question, always the same answer.

 

“So, how is dad?”

 

Her mother sighed and Piper could hear from the background the tv. She sounded distracted and disinterested when she spoke as if giving a formed speech.

 

“He’s fine; still having too much beef, despite the doctor’s advice and my concern. And he’s working. Always working. He sends his regards, says he hopes you’re being good.” She ended in a high note, overly cheerful and then her voice lowered again, as if she was whispering. “How are you, on that matter? Still counting, I expect.”

 

Piper cleared her throat, rearranged her body in the armrest of the couch.

 

“Yep, six months and counting. Don’t worry, I won’t… I’m good.”

 

There was hesitance in her mother’s voice when she spoke but it was softer, somewhat sweeter if that was possible.

 

“Well, good. We wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” Before Piper could reply her mother went back to her usual self. “Now I just wish you’d redecorate your apartment; that couch is just so out of place, Piper.”

 

“Yes, mom, I know. I’ll do my best.”

 

“Do you have enough money? Are you eating well?”

 

“Yes, mom. I’m okay.  I am not starving myself, I promise.”

 

“No need for sarcasm, Piper.” She chastised and then with a tight voice, “Well, I just wanted to check on you. Take care, okay? I’ll tell your father you say hi.”

 

“Thank you mom, thanks for calling.”

 

“Goodbye, honey.”

 

And with a click, she was gone. Short as ever. Despite everything, Piper could not deny she missed her terribly and— _her dad._ She missed him _so_ much most of the time and she couldn’t believe how long it’d been since she’d seen him. After he heard about her little addiction issue, he stopped calling. He sent her money every once in a while, and her mother always said he _sent his regards_. As if she was just a distant relative. Sending regards is the polite way to keep someone at arms length, is the careless phrase thrown around for unknown, unimportant people. Not for your daughter, not for someone you’d raised, not for your _little girl._ Her mother always said that when Piper asked about her father. She hated that phrase with all of her heart.

 

Although to be completely honest she wasn’t even sure her dad actually left that message for her. Most likely it was her mom just throwing her a rope to hold on to because her father wouldn’t talk to her. Or according to Cal, not even _about_ her. She didn’t know which was worse.

 

 It made her feel so small to crave their love, like she was still a little girl, endlessly aiming for their approval.

 

She’d missed the target by a lifetime of bad choices though. And now, it was like she didn’t even exist anymore.

 

It started slowly.

 

It started almost inadvertently.

 

It started with the hollowness at the pit of her stomach working as a black hole, sucking in everything, till the point if felt like there was nothing there but jerking and spinning and twisting.

 

 It started with the rapping of her fingertips on her thigh, her cellphone along with her right hand, bumping against her leg; her feet dangling from the edge of the couch, hitting the fabric. Her throat itching, her fingernails attempting to soothe the feeling by scratching elsewhere, somewhere reachable, somewhere familiar. Her heartbeat quickened same as her breathing.

 

And then came the thought, taking her breath away.

 

_God, I could use a drink right now._

 

She tried to snap out of it; shook her head, ran her hands down her face, through her hair, clenching her fists, pinching her wrist; anything to keep her stomach from hurting, turning viciously waiting for something; and her throat wanted to _burn_ , she needed that feeling again and it was maddening the way the minute it crossed her mind there was nothing else there. It was like a fire, obliterating everything else in its way for the sake of keeping itself alive. And she was starting to panic because she couldn’t _breathe_ and so she did the thing that seemed most reasonable in that moment.

 

She grabbed her phone and dialed Alex.

 

Her own personal thread to earth when her mind starting floating off out of her control.

 

Literally. She remembered endless hours spent in airplanes and although she loved the _idea_ of flying; the actual thing was not quite as great. The take-offs and landings were the worse. But the thing she most remembered was Alex’s hand so strongly gripping her own. The way her brow furrowed in genuine concern the first time before she learned how to calm her and it was replaced with soft, mocking laughter. Alex knew how to do it. She just had a way. And Piper needed to listen to her voice ASAP, because she didn’t have the time to slowly regain composure under a spray of water like she usually did.

 

“Hello?” Her voice sounded far away, kind of slurred but Piper could tell she wasn’t drunk. That wasn’t her drunk voice. That was something else. Not sleepy either. Her background was an explosion of noise.

 

“Alex.” She said in the most composed voice she could muster. She was starting to sweat.

 

“Pipes? Hi, Pipes. What’s going on?” She sounded somewhat happy and it was so shocking to hear her say her name—her nickname at that—so easily rolling out of her mouth that only that was enough to get her mind at least straight enough to gather her thoughts.

 

Although expressing them was slightly harder.

 

“I’m—I was-” Piper placed her hand over her right breast, willing her heart to slow down before she answered but Alex was impatient.

 

“Pipes? You still there? The music’s really loud, isn’t it? Maybe you’re speaking and I can’t hear you.” Her words were drawn out, slow, and she sounded almost tired by the time she finished, like that sentence had made her weary although the cheerful tone never faltered.

 

“No, no. I wasn’t.” She hesitated for a second, not knowing what to say, until she couldn’t help herself. “Where are you?”

 

For a second, all it could be heard was the sound of the music blasting. Then, Alex laughed and answered, still cheerful.

 

“I don’t think you need to know that, Pipes.”

 

Piper sighed because no, she didn’t need to know that and she had no right asking. “Can you talk?”

 

She hummed for a few seconds, longer than was probably necessary and then she went, “yeah, sure.” She heard a tap on the phone and then Alex’s muffled voice. After that, she heard ruffled sounds and, a minute later, Alex again minus the music. “Okay. Now, we can talk.”

 

“I’m sorry to interrupt your party.”

 

She was expecting her to say that she wasn’t interrupting anything but instead, “I have to come back soon, because you know, I’m technically at work.” She laughed again, with that far-away, fleeting sound that Piper didn’t recognize in Alex.

 

“Oh.” Piper was tapping her feet on the ground, and the initial relief she felt at hearing her voice vanished.

 

“Piper?”

 

“I’m at Polly’s house. She’s having this sort of get-together thing for the game.” She blurted out in a monotonous tone, except for the fact that she was speaking faster every second. “And all of her friends are here, the ones we didn’t like remember? I haven’t even said hello, I just skipped right to the library. I found your favorite book.” She finished in a high pitched voice. She could hear the clinking of glasses from the other room. The game must be over. A toast.

 

“That’s… great, Pipes. You okay, though? Sound a little… skitterish.” She let out a loud, husky laugh. “That’s a pretty good word to describe you. Hadn’t thought about it before.” Piper could hear her whispering the word a few times, more to herself than anything.

 

“I’m…” She took a sharp intake of breath. Aaron would probably be drunk by now. Pete drank a lot too. The anxiousness was beginning to smother her. How was she going to carry him upstairs all by herself? “Remember that really bad time I had in that airplane we got on with really fucking horrible weather? And it kept shaking and falling for a few meters before we went up again.”

 

Alex hummed uncertainly for a few breaths before it turned into approval. “Yeah, yeah. I remember. We had to put the masks on. You were having a full blown panic attack.” Alex hummed again. She sounded far away, like she wasn’t fully focused on this conversation. “Took me forever to calm you down.” She mumbled after another second.

 

“Well, that’s-” Piper hesitated before just letting it out. That was the reason for this call. And she didn’t know if she could pull herself back together alone. “That’s kinda happening right now, I’m—panicking I don’t know what to do.” She hissed loudly into the phone. Her left hand kept sliding over her thigh, as if trying to soothe herself and the clinking in the other room didn’t seem to stop; it was reverberating in her brain.

 

“ _Oh._ Fuck.” She didn’t seem to know what else to say. She didn’t really seem to know what they were talking about, to be honest. Piper could almost imagine her brow furrowing and her eyes trying to focus. Maybe she _was_ drunk. Piper didn’t know how else to explain the way she was acting.

 

“Yeah.” She let out a laugh, more pain than anything else that was cut short by a nervous moan. She was losing it. And Alex must have heard it in her tone because that’s when she seemed to snap out of it, although her voice still sounded far away.

 

“Okay, Pipes, just close your eyes.” Piper did as she was told and closed her eyes; she heard a sharp intake of breath coming from the other line before Alex’s voice returned, soothing but also more _her_ and the storm in her head subsided a bit. “Try to stop moving for a second. You’re moving right?”

 

“I’m—I’m balancing my feet and my hands are sweaty so I’m-”

 

“Yes. Okay. Stop that. Breathe.” She said bluntly. Piper focused on that for a second, attempting to relax her body against the couch. “All you need to do is breathe normally, Pipes. It’s like yoga.”

 

“You hate yoga.” Piper blurted out.

 

“But _you_ like yoga. And _I_ don’t get panic attacks” Piper could hear the smile in her voice and she rolled her eyes.

 

“Yeah, thanks, asshole.” She said shakily, trying to instill humor into her tone. Alex seemed to get it or at least she didn’t mind the insult as her voice came in again, soft and playful. Piper instinctively smiled.

 

“Remember that guy that wouldn’t stop crying? He even tried to call his mom.” She laughed huskily and the familiar sound warmed her. It helped. She didn’t say anything and Alex kept going. She knew Piper was listening. “And when that didn’t work he just… threw it away. Like a fucking five year old. If you hadn’t been so upset yourself, I would have probably laughed in his face.”

 

“You did laugh in his face, Alex. When we got off the plane. Remember?”

 

“No, I didn’t. I just asked him a question.”

 

“You asked him if his mom was waiting for him with a change of pants.” Before she finished Alex was laughing and she followed, feeling the tightness in the rest of her body dissolve at the lightness of it all. “You’re an asshole.” She finished, remembering the embarrassed face of the man, who’d then proceeded to walk away, a jacket tied around his waist.

 

“That’s what you said then too. Which is highly hypocritical considering I had to spend the whole night with my arm around your shoulders while your knee stabbed my side. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable I was? Way to say thanks.”

 

Piper straightened herself and widened her eyes. “I _asked_ you if you were— _”_ She stopped when laughter rolled out of the phone, mocking her. She clicked her tongue, shaking her head. After a second, though, she continued because she couldn’t just leave it like that. “Also don’t exaggerate, I was just curled beside you. _”_

And Alex didn’t waste a second _. “_ That only _sounds_ cute, Pipes.” She said with laughter in her voice that reminded Piper of long lazy days and drawn out nights. It faded slowly, the echo warming Piper’s chest and she ignored the jab, just basking in the calm her voice instilled in her. “Are you feeling better?” She asked then, hesitant.

 

Without noticing, Piper had laid back in the couch, her head resting comfortably in the cushions. Her hand traveled to her chest, right above her left breast, feeling for her heartbeat. It was normal. She took a deep breath, lifting her arm to wipe the sweat on her forehead and leaving it there, covering her eyes.

 

“Yeah.” She said in a breath, and then, louder. “Yes. Thank you, Alex.” There was silence. Piper felt embarrassed all of the sudden. “I’m sorry I called you for this, I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

“Well, thank god _I_ did.” Piper could hear the smile in her voice and a half smile reached her lips too.

 

_Today is a good day._

 

She hung up the phone shortly after, being Alex the one that said goodbye and Piper stayed where she was, running soothing fingers through her own hair, still scared to move and unchain that mess again.  She was still running her words through her mind, her laugh resonating in her brain, trying to grasp that piece of happiness Alex had so willingly let go of and thinking about how she didn’t want to lose it. That thread that seemed so tangible right now, joining them, still. She had never had a panic attack outside of her house before—which wasn’t saying much, considering she barely left the house anymore—and for a moment, she idly thought what she would have done if Alex hadn’t picked up. She didn’t know the answer to that question.

 

Shaking her head, she decided it was time she left the room to actually be with other people. At the sight of her, Polly jumped and rounded the table, blocking her view of it. She began fumbling with something and then hurried out to the kitchen, glancing back at her nervously and it clicked. She gave her a thankful trembling and more than slightly embarrassed smile before she stepped forward to greet the other guests.

 

Piper already knew all of Polly’s friends and she did not like them. She met them all in college but Piper never really got along with them and then she’d met Alex who ended up solidifying her dislike for them with all of her jokes and her calling them out on their classist prejudices. Alex was really good at that. That talent was also one of the main reasons for their fights since Piper had a lot of those, according to Alex.

 

The game was over and the table was set. Everyone settled at the table, Polly placing Piper right in between her and Aaron winking her eye at her while Aaron put his arm around her and kissed her cheek, the smell of beer hitting her hard. She smiled anyways. He was in a good mood.

 

“You’ll never guess what, Piper.” He began excitedly and she arched her eyebrows at him, waiting for an elaboration. He pointed at Pete with the beer in his hands and continued. “Pete right here invited me over to his road trip to camp at this amazing hunting site he knows.”

 

Piper widened her eyes first at him, then Pete—who just shrugged and made a comment about how he’d told Aaron to first ask the mistress—and ultimately, Polly.

 

“Pete’s been planning this for weeks and he only told me like three days ago. Can you believe it? It’s a two week road trip and only for _men_ because there’s going to be dead animals and blood and no showers.” She visibly shivered at the last statement and everyone on the table laughed.

 

“So what do you say babe?”

 

Piper ran through her mind all of the ups this had for her life and came out blank when it came to the downs.

 

“Of course! You’ll have a great time, honey.”

 

_Today is a good day._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. The Gush Of Reality

When Aaron leaves, it’s like a whole new world opens up for Piper.

 

She can’t help the guilt that that makes her feel because she shouldn’t feel this way about the man she’s chosen to live with. Aaron loves her. Aaron said he’d call everyday. Aaron hugged her really tight goodbye and kissed her forehead and promised he’d be thinking of her.

 

Aaron also joked about her not drinking all of his beers.

 

Piper can’t bring herself to miss him.

 

That Tuesday when she and Alex went out, the world lit up differently for them. Aaron took all of the shadows with him and Piper felt _light._ She felt more free and _herself_ than she could remember feeling in a very, very long time. It went smoothly; no awkwardness, no uncomfortable silences, no split hateful stares. It was like with Aaron gone, Piper was able to let shine through everything she was feeling, her fears miles away at the moment. Piper had nothing to hide that night, nothing holding her back and Alex responded to that.

 

The minute she saw her there, leaning gracefully against her car, Piper couldn’t stop smiling and then an uncontrollable thrill consumed her. Piper had _missed_ her. Her stomach never settled throughout the whole weekend, her mind running wildly through the possibilities, all of the ways their next meeting could go; and when her eyes settled on her that night, Piper glowed, for the first time allowing herself to _bask_ in the miracle that her presence meant. Alex had always been unpredictable, and yet there she was, black leather jacket snug around her shoulders, nonchalantly flicking a cigarette’s butt to the ground before her green eyes landed on her, and Piper shuddered when she saw nothing but the rest of the night stretching out for them there. A shy smile tugged at Alex’s lips and Alex had been _waiting_ for her and god—Piper had missed her.

 

She had jumped in the car while Alex amusedly rolled her eyes at her childish excitement and it felt just like those day road trips they used to make when they were in an unknown city; bored and recklessly jumping into an adventure, taking wild, mindless turns just searching to get lost, not caring whether they’d make it back to the hotel that night; not _mattering_.

 

They drove, just like last time. They drove and drove and Piper never asked where because it didn’t matter; until they stopped at a place similar to last time’s except looking down on the other side of the city and they stayed there for hours. Piper had nothing to go back to and even though Alex had bags under her eyes, she never faltered at returning Piper a smile. They were re-assimilating each other, feeling more comfortable every second, something that was especially true with Alex. She was loosening up and the change was _so_ noticeable, Piper didn’t know how she’d lived without her laughter for so long.

 

It wasn’t something as literal as what it meant for them the way Alex wasn’t holding herself in so much control as she used to around Piper. It went on a more visceral and _surreal_ level than that.

 

It was the way it made her _feel_.

 

It was the way Piper felt it crawl up her spine, building a shiver all the way up to her neck and the way it collapsed around her ears, dripped down onto her stomach, made it flutter with emotion. And it was immediate, her own laughter bubbling out of her as a response. It felt like Piper had faded over the years and Alex was repainting her all over again, colorful and new— _and the part of her that was running on the thrill of freedom and carelessness wanted to register the words_ in love _while the familiarity in her stomach wanted to add_ still _to that equation but it was quickly and severely dismissed by every bruise and every cut painfully reappearing in her skin, crawling with wounds, as much hers as Alex’s._

 

And when she’d gotten home, at 7 am that morning and with the promise of another escape in less that 24 hours; Piper had thrown her whole apartment upside down in a sobbing fit of rage because she didn’t know if those wounds could ever heal.

 

In just the first week of freedom, they formed a routine of some sort. After Alex willingly conceded to another escape the day after that Tuesday, they didn’t seem to be able to stop. Almost every day that week Alex waited for her outside of work at two am, sharp. Piper had given up on asking questions and it seemed to take a huge weight out of the strain of their stumbling relationship.

 

Alex disappeared for a couple of days, not answering texts or calls and then she showed up again as if nothing had happened, looking rested and smiley. It took everything in Piper not to ask what she had been up to, but Alex seemed to appreciate it every time. There was an unspoken sort of deal between them that had begun the moment Piper refused to let Alex drive her to her house for the second time in where they both acknowledged there were parts of their new lives there weren’t ready to share between them. And so Piper kept her mouth shut.

 

Still, after Alex being so reluctant to give her a day before, going from that to four days out of seven was a big jump. And they seemed to be getting closer each time to the point Piper was never sure she could keep to herself anymore. Alex’s closeness was something she was having trouble resisting and every accidental brush of hands or every innocent hair tucked behind her ear always managed to send her heart thumping out of control. Her brain was constantly fighting this reeling sensation of going against the tide and a part of her felt that this was already a lost battle. With Alex, it almost felt like a certain thing.

 

They were making small talk at the edge of a cliff pretending they weren’t planning on jumping at the first slip any of them made.

 

It was the Wednesday of the second week Aaron had been gone, four days away from his return and Piper wanted to feel pretty.

 

The only rule she had to follow for work was black pants and white shirt so she wore tight black skinny jeans and a white blouse, tucked neatly inside her trousers; a black lacy bra translucent under her shirt. She gathered her hair in a pony tail, leaving a few strands of hair lose to frame her face and she curled her eyelashes. A delicate lip gloss over her lips, her eyes with a smoky fainted look. Simple, but _so_ important. Her appearance hadn’t been something to be preoccupied about in ages, merely focusing her efforts in successfully covering with make up her newest bruise, and wearing the clothes that would hide the newest cut.

 

Picking her clothes and putting on make up had become invariably tainted with _shame_. With the fear of being discovered, the impulse of avoiding being questioned, of being pitied. There was no _making herself pretty_ but only the purpose of _making herself invisible._

This was unprecedented. From _too_ long ago.

 

She left her apartment feeling different; slightly nervous but good. She felt taller, she felt stronger.

 

And it wasn’t about the make up and the nice clothes. It was simply the fact of choosing to wear them for _herself_. Because _she_ wanted to look good.

 

It was an amazing feeling.

 

And when she entered the restaurant she earned herself more than a few surprised stares from her coworkers and not-quite-subtle glances from customers and it was amazing how long it’d been since she’d felt this good, this powerful, this _in control._ She hadn’t realized just how much of that had Aaron taken until she found herself alone.

 

With the apartment all to herself and not having to worry about getting caught—

 

Weirdly, that resonated in her mind.

 

And what’s even weirder is that it took her a second. Well, it actually took her almost a month.

 

She didn’t know how it hadn’t occurred to her before. The realization of her situation hit her like a truck, like a brand new reason to feel guilty for, smothering her for a second. Piper was seeing someone else. She was living with someone else. And Alex didn’t, _couldn’t_ know.

 

For a second, it dizzied her the idea of Aaron finding out about Alex. Up to this point, hiding her from him had been purely selfish; following the line of thought of not wanting to share _her_. Simply because as of now, they’d been living in this sort of bubble, choosing to ignore whatever that was too dangerous for the delicate balance they’d managed to create. It wasn’t real, and eventually the ugliness would rear its head and destroy any resemblance of _normalcy_ they were so head on on maintaining, they both knew that. But they still hoped.

 

Except Piper hadn’t considered the very real and very _very_ frightening chance of Aaron finding out about Alex.

 

It seemed insane to reconcile the idea of Aaron and Alex existing at the same time in her life, the opposite sides of a coin, the highest and lowest she’d ever found herself. At this point, even after everything that had happened Alex seemed to represent what was _good_ ; something that Piper would have found impossible two years ago, when she left her. There was no denying that that had been a turning point in her life and well… things had only gotten worse after that. Alex’s presence vanishing from her life had been a brand new page widening up for her; and getting written with blood.

 

But Alex, she had been good. And Piper had tried.

 

Except she had been scared and she had been heartbroken and she had waited, and waited for Alex to come around. She had expected her to realize just how dangerous the cartel was and she had foolishly hoped for them to escape, to make a life, elsewhere, together.

 

That had not been the case. And eventually, the fear overran the love.

 

So she left, because maybe Alex didn’t really love her as much as she said she did; and honestly, if she really loved her, why would she put her in danger like that?

 

Piper pressed her palms against a counter. She closed her eyes and shook her head, attempting to snap herself out of it. Unknowingly, Alex had managed to make her forget about the ever present looming threat of Aaron but it all came rushing back suddenly, because if Aaron found about… _her_ and about _their past_ then it wasn’t just Piper that was in danger—and _oh, Aaron jealous was the thing made of nightmares—_ it was also Alex; and she tried to soothe herself by remembering how fearsome Alex was.

 

Except that led her to the _other thing._ The thing that had made her heartbreak a thousand times worse, and the thing that had eventually led her, shaking and hurting, searching for oblivion in cheap vodka bottles.Again, she tried for self-soothing. _There’s no point in tripping myself over this again. She’s here. I know she’s missed me._ But to be honest, she couldn’t help herself sometimes. Because she _had_ loved Alex; _god_ , she had loved her so much she had been willing to risk everything. She _did_ risk everything for her. But that hadn’t been enough for Alex because what she wanted was power.

 

Alex wanted the rush, the adrenaline, she wanted the danger Piper was so terrified of and in the end Alex had slipped right through her fingers. It had been too much for Piper. She had to get away, she had to, that’s what Alex didn’t understand. Piper had needed her life back because the feeling of becoming a cliché had been growing stronger each passing second, and she had grown more fearful each passing day. Was she really stupid enough to be fooled by a drug dealer? Sounded like the stuff of movies. The nice and naïve girl, not smart enough to realize she was merely an accessory to someone’s plan. She had let herself be fooled and used and Alex had promised that she wouldn’t have to do anything, she had promised Piper would stay out of it but in the end Piper had found herself sweating under a wig and a business suit, painfully waiting for a bag that didn’t belong to her; in a _life_ that seemed to be getting out of her hands.

 

And what hurt the most was that Alex had sworn so many times that her presence was all she needed of her.

 

But sometimes, in her darkest moments, she found herself not being sure of _anything._

 

Piper was breathing heavier, her palms were sweating, her wrists itching and good god, she needed a drink. It was always Alex; it was thinking about Alex never actually loving her, it was feeling that guilt eating away at her stomach, it was remembering the way she looked at her and feeling like there was no other end for them than _together_ , it was Alex Alex _Alex._

Lately, it all felt like too much.

Before she could realize what was happening; her feet were dragging her into the kitchen, and she was looking around to make sure she was alone. Her coworkers were outside, it was almost closing time and they must have been counting their tips. The people in the kitchen were cleaning up already, the chef barking orders and his subordinates running around, washing pans and putting away products. No one noticed her. She inched closer to the bar, looking anywhere but in front of her, as if that would make it any less her choice, any less her fault; as if that would take the blame off her feet—although could she really blame them? Herself? And what was the point? She couldn’t fight it anymore and there was no use because the only reason to fight it was when the addiction became more of a problem than guilt. And she wasn’t so sure of what was worst anymore.

 

Not when Alex was nearing closer every time and she still couldn’t find the words to make it _alright._

Not when it felt like she was running out of time and _sorry_ was running out of meaning.

 

She opened the cabinet with shaky hands and she drew in a breath, looking inside.

 

_Just a swig, one gulp and I’ll be fine, it’s only to get me through the night, I’m only going through a rough patch-_

“What are you doing?”

 

Piper jumped and the vodka bottle she was holding fell and crashed at her feet, transparent liquid spilling around her, splashing her heels. The sound reverberated in her brain threateningly.

 

“Oh, fuck. Great. What were you doing?” It came like an echo, a voice far, far away until she could feel hands on her shoulders and only then did she snap out of it. She pulled away, retreating from the touch and spun around. _Shit._ The manager.

 

She began stuttering out a response as she kneeled down to pick up shards of glass hurriedly, vodka licking her hands. She couldn’t take her eyes off the floor.

 

“I- I don’t know, god, I’m sorry, you can just take it out of my pay check-”

 

“Okay, fuck, stand up, go wash your hands.” He said, clearly annoyed and Piper could feel herself shrink.

 

“No, I’ll clean it up real quick.” From the corner of her eye she watched as his boots walked away and then returned, a mop stringing along.

 

“No, you stand up and go take care of that cut. _Jesus.”_

 

A cut. She hadn’t noticed but as soon as he made her aware of it, it started to sting and then she couldn’t help her eyes falling on her left hand. Piper must have pressed a shard of glass too tightly against her hand, half out of her mind. It crossed her whole palm. _Blood._ It wasn’t the size that scared her. _Blood._ She’d had worse. Definitely. But if there was something she couldn’t stand was—

 

 

Her head started spinning.

 

_Oh god, oh god._

She stumbled heavily as she tried to stand up and ran up to the sink, almost falling over it. Turning the tap on, she let the water wash away the alcohol and blood and tried with all of her might to not look, to not let herself fall apart because she couldn’t lose this job, she couldn’t lose another one.

 

She stretched across the wide kitchen counter to snatch up some paper tissue and withdrew her hand from the spray of water, quickly wrapping it in it, hiding the cut and the blood and the pain from her sight. Piper sighed relieved for a second, before she glanced back at her manager who was still swiping the mop across the floor, pushing the shards of glass aside. There seemed to be a strip of red in one of them. She looked away but walked towards him.

 

“I’m really sorry, sir, do you need help with that?” He didn’t even glance at her.

 

“Does it look like I need help with a mop?” Piper didn’t answer. “Why were you taking out that bottle, Chapman? There are no customers left.”

 

“I- I don’t know, I was just-” He interrupted her immediately, a passive aggressive tone tainting his words and Piper felt a shiver ran up her spine. She hated that tone. It reminded her of too many fights with Aaron spewing unfair things while she tried to keep up, deject his accusations. While she tried to stay away.

 

“Do you do that often? Take sips of vodka in work hours?” Now, he turned around to face her and his face was stone cold.

 

“No! I don’t do that, sir, never, I was just…” Her face reddened in shame and his judging eyes felt like a too familiar pain in her chest. There was no defending this; there was no excuse to lie up. “I’ve been going through a rough patch and I _considered_ it but I wasn’t- I wouldn’t-” She couldn’t finish and her eyes found her feet as she shook her head. Her eyes were filling with tears.

 

“Okay. Listen to me very carefully, Chapman.” He began slowly. “If I _ever_ find you messing with alcohol again, you’re out. I’m only giving you a chance because you’ve been nothing but responsible since you started working here, but one is my limit. And this-” he said gesturing to the floor, “is definitely coming out of your paycheck.”

 

She raised her eyes to him and nodded quickly, feeling her whole body relax at the news she wasn’t getting fired.

 

“Yes. Yes, of course, thank you, sir, it won’t happen again, I promise.”

 

“It better not.” He finished with a grunt and then with a tilt of his head he dismissed her.

 

She grabbed more paper tissue on her way out, taking out her backpack from her locker and unbuttoning her apron, shoving it inside messily without stopping by the bathroom like she did every time. She needed to get out of there.

 

She’d almost fucked up everything tonight.

 

She walked outside of the restaurant through the back door, trying to avoid her coworkers and also trying to avoid thinking about the cut on her palm and the blood rushing out of it. God, she had to get home.

 

Her eyes were wild and she couldn’t think straight yet and if she didn’t put herself together soon she was going to start panicking again.

 

She went to lean against the nearest wall, on the side of the restaurant next to the trash cans. It was dark and it smelled but she didn’t care as she let her weight fall on her knees, her palms pressed forcefully against them. _Breathe in breathe out breathe in breath out breathe in breath out. Breathe in. Breathe out._

 

“It’s fine.” She whispered to herself. “This is okay.”

 

_Breathe in. Breath out._

Piper straightened up, rested her head against the wall.

 

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

  1. She could feel the blood soaking up the paper. She struggled against the nausea. Bending down, Piper searched in her bag looking for something to wrap around her hand. She couldn’t find anything and she was growing impatient so she grabbed her bag, her hand still inside and began walking closer to a light post, into the parking lot because honestly, she couldn’t see a damned thing. She stopped walking once she was right under the light but there was nothing inside her bag she could use.



 

 _“Fuck.”_ She said, perhaps a little too loud. She lifted her gaze, trying to think of something to do because she couldn’t possibly wait until she got home to tend to the cut and that was when she saw the familiar car parked only three cars away across from her and that was enough to snap her out of her reverie.

 

Alex. _Shit._

She’d completely forgotten about _Alex._

 

She must have been waiting for a while already, because she wasn’t waiting outside like she used to. Piper looked around her wildly before hurriedly stepping aside to hide behind the car next to her, leaning her back against it. _“Shit. Fuck.”_ She looked down at her disheveled clothes and the messily wrapped paper covering her hand. She couldn’t just leave. Alex was waiting for her. They’d agreed to go out. _“Fuck.”_ She let out again in a slightly panicked voice. “No. No, no, no. Breathe in, breathe out.” She followed her words, slowing the panting to just a mildly staggered breath and psyched herself up. She was just going to go up to her and tell her she couldn’t tonight. It was that simple. Only five more minutes and then she’d go home and wash away the blood and everything would be just _fine._

 

With a nod to herself, Piper left the bag on the ground and with only one hand started to arrange herself, first letting go of her hair, re-tucking her blouse inside her jeans that had gotten lose after the incident, running her fingers through her hair making sure it wasn’t a mess. There was nothing she could do about her hand. Picking her bag back up, she approached the car with as much composure as she could muster after her breakdown and tried to peek inside from the right side. For some reason, Alex was sitting in the copilot’s seat. The compartment in front of her was open but Piper couldn’t see what was inside, or her face for that matter. She was hunched over something in her lap, Piper guessed, and her hair fell like a curtain blocking her view. Her left arm seemed to be stretched out, as her hand was pressed against the board. Piper rapped her knuckles on her window.

 

Even through the closed window she could hear her curse.

 

Alex whipped her head around and her eyes widened when she saw Piper as if she was surprised- and weirdly, she looked more than slightly panicked. Piper didn’t even have time to react before she had turned back around, hunching over even more and fumbling with something in her lap.

 

“Alex? Wha-” She tried to open the door but it was locked and so she rapped her knuckles on the window again, this time harder. “Alex!”

 

Alex didn’t answer, busy with the stuff in her lap. Piper was able to catch a glimpse of a metallic box being shoved inside the compartment and when Alex closed it she seemed to fumble with something else—her sleeve? A second later, she turned around and unlocked the door, only to stare up at Piper from inside. She seemed to have composed herself—although Piper did catch her swallowing visibly under her gaze and a shadow of vulnerability in her eyes—because now she was arching an eyebrow and when Piper didn’t move, occupied staring at her with narrowed eyes, she rolled her eyes and gestured at her to move. She was in the way of the door.

 

“Hey, Pipes. I thought I’d missed you. It’s a quarter to three, already.” She said nonchalantly, stepping outside of the car and leaning against the door frame, her left arm out of sight.

 

“Yeah, got a little delayed.” Piper wasn’t sure if she should ask, but the curiosity was eating her away and so she was opening her mouth when Alex’s eyes drifted down and settled on her hand and she had to focus herself on not thinking about the blood again or the nausea would return.

 

“What’s that you got there?” She asked, at first seemingly only to change the subject but then she leaned in closer and frowned, a wisp of contained concern edging in her eyes. “Is that blood? Are you bleeding?”

 

Piper lowered her hand to partially hide it behind her back, discomfort settled in her face. “It’s just a cut, there’s was an… incident at work.”

 

“They couldn’t give you decent bandages? Jesus, here, let me see.” Alex said, reaching out for her hand but Piper stepped back. She didn’t really know why she didn’t want Alex to help or why she didn’t just tell her what had happened—minus the _stealing a bottle of vodka from work_ obviously. Everything injury-related seemed so invasive now. And the lying was just—a habit.

 

“It’s really fine, I’ll get home and wash it.”

 

“Pipes, your paper tissue is all stained. It’s obviously a large cut.” Piper didn’t move. Alex stood there for a second, not knowing what to do, clearly not understanding what was the problem until her eyes lit up only to dim immediately, throwing Piper an unsettled glance. “I think I have some gauze, actually.” She shifted her weight, hesitated another second before clearing her throat and turning around to rummage inside her car. “Give me a second.” She opened the compartment again and Piper could hear metallic sounds but Alex’s body was blocking her view again. But that was the least of her concerns. She took another step back, as she hurriedly mumbled.

 

“No, wait, seriously Alex, I’ll just go-”

 

“Wait. Here.” She turned around; Piper couldn’t help glance at the seat. There was a roll of masking tape but nothing else anymore. Alex was extending several squares of gauze but Piper shook her head. She could barely _think_ of the blood there. Getting home and putting her hand under a spray of water seemed a much more viable option for her to handle this. _If this paper holds up, that is._

 

“Alex, no.” Alex scrunched up her face in utter confusion.

 

“Piper, just put the gauze over your hand.” She said like it was the easiest thing in the world. “You’ll probably survive.” She finished sarcastically and Piper couldn’t help feel offended.

 

“I said I’m _fine.”_ She snapped. “You know what?” She continued, shaking her head slightly, “I better go.” And with that, she turned around and started walking away. She heard a shocked _hey_ calling from behind and she tried not to think about why exactly was she walking away from Alex but all she cared about right now was getting the blood out of her hand. And she most certainly didn’t expect Alex to follow which is why she was surprised when she could feel a cold hand wrap around her right wrist.

 

“Ok, so _normally_ ,” she began with a tilt of her head “I would just let you walk away because you’re being weird and kind of an asshole.” Piper winced. “ _But_ ,” she continued in a softer voice and Piper looked up into her eyes and swallowed “you’re bleeding and I seriously don’t think that paper is going to hold up much longer. And you don’t want to ruin your pretty clothes now, do you?”

 

Piper had to look away because her heart was swelling and _this_ was it, this was why despite everything that had gone wrong Alex was still the _good_ part of her life. This was what Alex truly meant to her.

 

She was safe. She protected her. She didn’t shiver when she saw her towering over her.

 

Piper looked down, finding her feet again, this time not out of fear but out of embarrassment. She let out a long breath.

 

“I don’t like blood.” She muttered.

 

“What?” Alex had no clue what she was talking about.

 

Piper sighed and made herself clear.

 

“I can’t stand the blood, it—it makes me nauseated, I-” she cleared her throat, shook her head. “I can’t put the gauze over the cut because that would mean taking off this thing and seeing the blood and I can’t do that. I just can’t.”

 

“You don’t like seeing blood? Since when? You didn’t have a problem with it before.” Alex said, shocked for a second and then, when she realized Piper didn’t want to answer, she pulled at her wrist and Piper looked up.

 

“Come here.” Alex said, softly. She guided her to the copilot’s seat, and Piper followed, sitting with her legs facing outside, placing the masking tape in her lap, and Alex kneeled in front of her.

 

“You don’t have to do this, Alex. It’s really fine-”

 

“It’s really not.” She interrupted, glancing at her messily wrapped up hand. Piper rearranged herself nervously on the seat, before giving Alex a fearful glance when she took her hand and placed it on her thigh, palm up. Then, with half a smile she said teasing and bossy, “don’t look. If you behave nicely, I might get you a lollypop by the end.”

 

Piper snorted out a laugh and it seemed to alleviate all of the tightness in her chest in the way up.

 

“Where am I supposed to look?” She asked, the last words slightly trembling because Alex started removing the paper tissue. She could feel the stickiness in her hand and even though she knew it was all in her mind, she could have sworn her mouth began tasting like copper.

 

“Well, you can stare at me. Just for now, you have my permission.” She joked but Piper didn’t answer. She was too focused on not throwing up. “Hey, kid.”

 

“Mh?”

 

“You doing alright?”

 

“I’m great.”

 

Alex let out a laugh and Piper’s lips tugged up; but her smile faded completely when Alex removed all of the paper because she saw a snippet of red from the corner of her eye and it was enough to send her off the reeling.

 

“ _Fuck.”_ She said with a small whimper, shutting her eyes and craning her neck away. But the vision was already in her head.

“Piper.” She said slowly, like talking to a child, while she stashed the stained paper away, under the car. “Look at me.” Piper pressed her eyes close for a second before she forced herself to open them. Their eyes met and she tried to focus solely on her, green eyes digging into blue ones, until a winning smile shone in her lips. “Remember Venice? That was one hell of an escapade.” Alex prompted, flashing a glance at her hand before meeting her eyes again. Piper could feel her hand, still cold as always, working in her hand, softly dabbing the gauze here and there. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she tried to compose a smile.

 

“How so?” She started mocking, voice still trembling. “We barely left our hotel room.”

 

“I _know.”_ Replied Alex suggestively and Piper’s eyes darted briefly to her lips. “It was a small city, we saw everything there was to see in two days.”

 

Piper’s lips tugged up, now in a real smile and she playfully kicked Alex’s shin to which she widened her eyes, mock offended.

 

“No, we didn’t. We barely stopped by the beach and we didn’t even go to that place with the-”

 

“Are you seriously complaining right now?” She prompted with a mischievous smirk and the arch of an eyebrow and Piper felt her cheeks pink but she carried on, flashing her a toothy grin.

 

“I’m not. I had fun.”

 

Alex glanced up at her and that was enough to make Piper’s heart drop to her stomach.

 

Without looking away, Alex palmed her hand, gingerly squeezing it and said in a low, husky voice, “It’s done.”

 

Piper tore her eyes away from her and looked down, finding only a patch covering almost her whole palm, taped on with a few stripes of masking tape. She closed it and opened it a few times, testing it although she was just stalling; in need of a moment to collect her thoughts.

 

“Thank you.” She finally said, and then cleared her throat before looking at her again. With a nod of her head, Alex stood up and began pulling away, before she stopped and pursed her lips. “What?”

 

“I… You need to look away again. I have to throw the gauze away.” She said, a tiny frown on her face that softened when she saw the worried look on Piper’s face. She stepped closer, hunching to get slightly inside the car, her hand on the door frame as she swung it closer to her body. “Just close the door. I’ll be right back.”

 

Piper grabbed the handle as Alex pulled back, and swung it shut, staring outside to Alex who disappeared out of view as she kneeled gathering up the bloody tissues and stood up, hiding them behind her back and looking around to find a trashcan. Piper pointed to the big ones, next to the restaurant and Alex gave her a thumbs up accompanied by a smirk as she showed her palm to indicate her to wait.

 

When she was gone, Piper rested her head on the seat, feeling like all of the exhaustion she had been feeling before had drained out of her; along with the blood. Now she was clean, not a smudge to remind her of the nightmare that had been the past hour. And all thanks to Alex. Again she found herself wondering what she would have done if it weren’t for Alex. If Alex hadn’t been waiting for her outside—

 

That reminded her. _What was she doing?_

 

Her hands started itching. _Oh no. Fuck. I shouldn’t._ She lifted her head off the headrest, looked in the rear view mirror. Nothing. She stare right ahead, to the compartment box. _I really really shouldn’t._ But she was already reaching forward, pressing the button that popped it open and pulling the box into her lap. It was the only thing inside, besides a few screwed up papers, a pencil and a thin layer of something that looked like sand. Dust? Jesus. Alex really needed to clean up her car. She scrunched up her nose at the smell that emerged. The same smell that Alex’s car had; something she’d noticed the first time she’d been in but then grown accustomed to. It was rather uncomfortable and she rubbed her knuckle against her nose before sniffling.

 

The metallic box was nothing special, a little bit longer than Piper’s palm and half of it as width. She shuffled it between her hands, testing for the weight and then shook it a couple of times, hearing a tingling noise slightly muffled. The gauze. And something else. She was trying to get her practically inexistent nails to open it when suddenly the pilot’s door flung open.

 

Alex’s voice came through in a scream of pure rage that chilled Piper to the bone.

 

“What _the fuck do you think you’re doing?”_

Piper yelped, dropping the box altogether and Alex hunched over and jumped forward, snatching it form her lap in a split second as Piper yelped again and pressed her back to the door, terrified at the sudden, aggressive movement. But Alex retreated immediately, getting back out and turning around, her back to Piper. She heard metallic sounds, the box being opened and then closed again, as Alex turned back around with a deathly glare fixed on her and ragged breathing making her chest heave from the anger. Piper felt herself shrink and in her panic she began feeling for the door handle behind her back.

In this moment, there was nothing she recognized of Alex.

 

In this moment, Alex reminded her horrifically of Aaron.

 

In this moment, all Piper could think about was getting out of there. Away from danger. Away, away, away from her.

 

“Did you open it?” She shouted, the metallic box now firmly in her grasp, pressed tightly against her belly. Guarding it. Protecting it.

 

The word _protect_ rang a bell inside Piper’s mind, some small connection to something she’d think earlier. About Alex. _Alex._ Her brain was fogged up, the name coming up in a haze of fear, and nothing made sense anymore. She was just _so afraid._

 

She jumped in her seat, a whimper too low for Alex to hear leaving her mouth as she shouted again, this time accentuating every single word. “Did. You. Open it?”  

 

All her brain could register were the anger in her eyes, the scream still reverberating in her brain, echoing and distorting until it was nothing but an alarm. An alarm her brain had had to apply way too many times. There was no thinking anymore. She needed to run. She had to get away. She shook her head frantically; her voice broken when she answered in a stream of words, “no, no, I didn’t, I swear, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

 

Alex clenched her teeth, her face still wrapped up in fury as she shook her head and let out a low groan through her teeth. She looked down, at the metallic box safely tucked under her arm and then lifted both her arms in an angry gesture that made Piper finally pull the door handle, snapping her out of her fear induced daze. Alex didn’t notice. She stayed where she was, limbs still frozen, watching. Alex let her arms fall at her sides, taking a step back and forward, twice. Pacing. Then, with a long, forceful sigh that resembled more another growl, she stepped inside the car.

 

She was leaning over, box in hand, attempting to tuck it under her seat when she saw the movement from the corner of her eye and in a reflex she stretched out her hand, managing to grab a hold of Piper’s left hand as she slipped out of the car.

 

Piper screeched. Pulled hard. The gauze floated down, landing in the center console. Alex stared dumbfounded for a second, watching as Piper walked away in a frenzied pace, whole body shaking, hands quivering, _jerking_ at her sides, until something else caught her attention. Her arm was still stretched out. There was blood on her hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Addiction Of Duplicities

“Piper!”

 

Alex called out for her, confusion and anger still clear in her voice. She jumped out of the car, messily wiping her tainted hand on her jeans, trying desperately to rid herself of the blood that didn’t belong to her. This wasn’t right.

 

“What the _fuck_?” She murmured, and lifted her gaze to watch. Piper was walking away from her and even though Alex could see her whole body shaking, she found herself divided, one part of her still grudgingly pissed and possessive over _her_ box.

 

 _She’s just exaggerating, she shouldn’t have messed with my stuff,_ came the thought and it suddenly occurred to her how petty that sounded; but the fury was still reigning in her head, making her clench her teeth. _Piper is walking away._ She ran a hand through her hair and let out a groan as she leaned against her car, her mind running through the implications of this situation. _Who the hell does she think she is?_ Another groan, deep in her throat. Lately, she found it hard sometimes to pull herself together and Alex had to admit she’d been out of it herself. _My box._ Was Piper exaggerating? Was Alex? Maybe she’d gotten a bit carried away. _Maybe I should go after her._ The way Piper had screamed was bothering her, the echo still repeating itself over and over in her brain. She swallowed. Her anger faltered. _She looked like she was sorry._ She had seen the fear in her eyes, heard it in her voice and she still kept going. _She looked more than sorry._ Piper’s quivering voice replayed in her mind and Alex straightened herself, stepped away from the car and turned around. Piper was still walking away. _Is she shaking?_ This _definitely_ wasn’t right.

 

The way Alex had so completely lost it, the fact that yelling had never been her thing and on that train of thought, thinking about how she had never quite _yelled_ at _Piper_ ; those were the things that finally made an uncomfortably heavy guilt settle in her stomach. She rounded the hood and sprinted towards her.

 

“Piper! Wait!”

 

She still wasn’t sure how alarmed she should be, or the extent of the fight until Piper turned around. And Alex forgot how to breathe.

 

She stopped dead in her tracks, still a good distance between them, not daring come any closer.

 

Piper’s face was pure terror. There were tears running down her cheeks although she didn’t seem to have noticed as her chest constricted violently, desperately drawing in breaths, _heaving._ She raised her hands, palms showing, one palm still _bleeding,_ nearly up to her face, ducking her head slightly, as if covering herself. Alex’s face scrunched up in confusion until her next words shed some light over the situation. But still, she was left completely helpless as to how to react when those searing words left Piper’s mouth.

 

“Please don’t, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I took your box, I’m sorry, _please_ don’t _hurt me._ ”

 

Her voice was a quivering, pleading mess and it made Alex’s heart feel like it was being seized out of her chest, crushing her lungs in the process, as it cracked in a thousand pieces. Piper looked as small as ever, with her shaking hands and her begging eyes and when the thought inevitably came, it was slow, impossible and _wrecking._

 

 _She’s…_ scared _of me?_

Alex couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. Her brain trapped in a vicious cycle repeating those words that didn’t seem to fit into anything she’d ever known before. Piper. Afraid. Of me. _Afraid. Of_ me.

 

It just didn’t make sense. Every fiber of her being denied the thought of ever _ever_ hurting _Piper._ How had they ended up here? Alex thought about the box, the screaming, the anger bubbling in her chest and exploding off of her, the terrified look on Piper’s face, her stuttered out answer, but _how had they ended up here?_ What could have possibly happened to Piper for her to turn into _this_? And then, the thought that completely petrified her, smashing into her brain and tangling in all of the webs. Her whole being, caught up in one single question, unhinging everything she’d ever built about herself.

 

_What did I do?_

The same weakening fear in Piper’s eyes settled deep and cold in her bones as it spread to the rest of her body. Because, what kind of person _does this?_ What kind of person is capable of terrifying someone to this point?

 

_What did I do?_

 

Meanwhile Piper kept retreating, walking backwards; hands still raised in surrender. It was only when she almost tripped that Alex was able to snap out of it. She took an instinctive step forward, hands lifting, attempting to catch, but that only made Piper speed up her pace and Alex retreated, a shiver running up her back and her chest constricting.

 

 _What is happening? Why—_ she shook her head, gasping for air. She found her feet, staring intently, trying to find her direction but there was no time. Piper was leaving. She tried one more time to gather her thoughts, this time choosing to focus on her eyes, so clearly out of her mind. The words _panic attack_ crossed her mind, although she’d never seen her having one so bad before. This was reaching borderline madness. She needed to snap her out of it. Alex wouldn’t be surprised if she fainted all of the sudden and what was killing her was that _she wasn’t close enough to catch._

 

She should have seen this coming. How had she _missed this?_ Piper was falling, had been stumbling all along, and Alex had been the one to push her off the edge.

 

“Pipes.” She jumped at her words and Alex flinched. She tried again, softer. “Piper. Kid. Listen to me, listen to my voice.” Piper shook her head, avoided her eyes. “Piper. Look at me, kid. Look at me. I’m not going near you, okay? But look at me.” Piper swallowed and she seemed to want to just glance at her but then her eyes stayed glued to hers as Alex pushed her glasses out of her face. She glanced away, once, lower, but then came back. “Good. It’s all good. Listen to me, Pipes. I’m sorry I got mad _—_ ” Her eyes got wild again and flitted away, down again. “No, listen to me. It’s alright. It’s just a stupid box _—”_

And Piper gasped as her eyes trailed down again and that’s when Alex realized she was still holding it. That’s what Piper kept coming back to. Left hand, low. _Shit._ Slowly, very slowly, she kneeled and placed it on the ground. Piper watched her every movement. She seemed to relax a bit now that the box was out of Alex’s hands so Alex gently – _so gently she winced at her weakness, at her stupidity, at the guilt boiling like fire in her blood—_ kicked it aside, away from her.

 

“See? I don’t care about the box. Look at me, kid. I’m sorry I _—_ ” _Avoid it. “_ I’m sorry.” Piper finally looked at her again. The clouds were receding, leaving behind only utter sad confusion. She let her arms fall to her sides as her eyes cleared up, bit by bit. She whimpered and Alex took a miniature step closer, that little pain filled sound managing to shred her last bit of self control.

 

“Piper.” She let out in a husky, broken voice. Needy, scared, tearing.  It was all she could do to not jump forward to embrace her, hold her, help her get back together, push her pieces into a _one._ It was soft and pleading and so, _so_ filled with meaning. It took a second of deafening stillness, before Alex got to watch the change in her eyes as they surfaced from the darkness into this vulnerable, childish thing. And that’s when Piper seemed to finally wake up because she let out a gut wrenching sob and her whole body seemed to slump as she strode forward in tiny, calculated and weak steps.

 

Alex got there faster.

 

Feeling as if she’d been running top speed, her whole body seemed to almost lurch forward when she stopped, desperately wanting to _touch her,_ make sure she was alright; but she stopped herself a step away, terrified to scare her away again. Her hands immediately lifted, almost reaching out, almost holding tight, almost never letting go. But she didn’t dare. Piper looked fragile enough to _vanish_.

 

Her head was bowed down, her left hand closed tightly in a fist and Alex couldn’t see her face.

 

Defeated. Piper looked defeated.

 

She lifted her free hand and messily wiped her whole face with her sleeve, sniffling. A whimper left her mouth and she rubbed her face harder with her arm. And that’s when Alex understood that she was trying not to cry.

 

Alex was having trouble breathing, thinking about her trying to hold any more hurt _in._ Her eyes had been so filled with sadness that Alex was scared her unshed tears would drown her if she didn’t let them go.

 

And as she patiently waited, she watched. She deliberated. She _tried_ to understand.

 

Alex had never seen anyone look so unreasonably scared; and that was saying something for someone who had years of drug dealing on her back. She had never seen someone so _out of it._ And staring at this shaking, broken mess in front of her, a world away from the happy, smile-like-sunshine Piper Chapman she’d fallen madly in love with, a deep fear found its roots in her body. Because there was no question now. The thought had crossed her mind fleetingly a few times before, ever since they’d encountered again but she’d always ended up brushing it off when she’d see her smile even though it didn’t quite resemble Alex’s memories of it, and that was something Alex could never forget. Now there was no doubt. And the thought burned into her brain with a deafening finality to it.

 

There was something deeply, disastrously and dangerously wrong with Piper.

 

And with a sigh, Alex surrendered herself to her fate, because she knew that she would never be able to walk away from her as long as Piper needed her. Even if it destroyed her in the process.

 

And staring at her face right in that moment Alex was sure that oh, it was starting to.

 

So she swallowed, drew in a forced breath to make sure her voice wouldn’t fail her. And then, as softly as she could muster, she mumbled, “Pipes?”

 

Piper raised her face. Puffy red eyes filled with hurt and embarrassment, runny nose and quivering lips made her look small enough to break. A vulnerable, crying mess, and Alex’s heart seized again; not sure how anything would ever be right again when Piper looked so irreparably broken.

 

It was when Piper saw the guilt in Alex’s face; it was when she felt the pain in her heaving breaths and her hesitant, shaking hands hanging right in front of her only an inch away.

 

It was the way Alex looked just as scared as her that finally snapped her out of it.

 

She lurched forward taking the last step between them and wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist in a death grip, her left hand still curled in a fist placed right between her shoulder blades, pressing her infinitely closer to Piper’s own body as her right hand grabbed a fist of Alex’s clothes. She buried her face in her neck, still panting through her mouth as heated, choked out words left her lips.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Alex, I don’t know why—I don’t know what happened to me. I… I lost it. I shouldn’t have—” A sob cut her words and she burrowed even deeper into her skin, trying to regain her breath before continuing. “I shouldn’t have tried to open your box.” She said lastly, with a broken voice and Alex’s own raised to a quiet murmur enough to bring back air into Piper’s lungs.

 

“Shhh.” She mused, her hands at the same time wildly and gingerly running through her hair, down her arms, then her back and up again. She was restoring warmth into her limbs, completely focused on the task of covering every reachable inch of her with her hands and Piper could feel herself slowly but surely regaining her ground, coming back to herself. So she clamped her mouth shut, just holding onto Alex, breathing her in and letting everything else just fade away. And then Alex was whispering in her ear sweet nonsense, softly, slowly and Piper closed her eyes and let herself be drowned in Alex’s soothing voice for a while; telling her it was going to be alright, telling her it didn’t matter, telling her she didn’t have to worry about anything, telling her _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._

She didn’t know for how long they stood like that, holding onto each other for dear life until Piper’s tears finally ceased their downfall and she pulled slightly back, only to rest her forehead against Alex’s collarbone, who was still caressing her hair so gently she could only feel the ghost of her hand over her.

 

And then Piper thought about how _this_ was the first time she’d hugged Alex in forever and a whole new feeling of urgency took over her already unstable mind and she found herself gripping her tighter to her body to the point she didn’t know where she was besides next to Alex.

 

It’d been awhile since she’d felt this connected to someone, not having to voice anything aloud, allowing themselves to just feel. She could feel Alex’s lips on her forehead, the top of her head, her burying her nose in her hair, breathing her in just like Piper was. And Piper wanted to just stay here forever but as beautiful as sharing this forgotten link felt like after two long, lonely years, she could also physically feel Alex’s pain, her guilt, her sorrow. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t alright. And it was Piper’s fault, not hers.

 

“Alex.” She whispered. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to say; if it’d be worth trying to convince her she had nothing to apologize; if _she_ wanted to apologize or accept her apology. She wasn’t ready to look her in the eye and see the unfair guilt clinging there because it wasn’t _fair_ , it wasn’t her _fault_ and she didn’t know how to get that message across without revealing the whole story, without uncovering her own life.

 

She didn’t know if she was ready to let go of the illusion Alex held for her and that was _such_ a selfish thought her whole body shuddered at the notion. Alex gripped her tighter, her hands finally gaining the firmness Piper remembered in her.

 

“Are you cold? Do you want to go to the car?” She said, pulling back from her with her hands firmly placed on her upper arms, lowering her head to get to her eye level.

 

Piper swallowed and all she could do was nod her head. Gingerly placing her arm around her shoulders, but still firmly holding her, Alex began guiding her to the car only to stop in front of the metallic box she’d left on the ground. When Piper looked at her to ask why they’d stopped, Alex wasn’t looking at her. She followed her gaze and tensed when she noticed the box. Alex’s arm was growing limp around her until it was barely resting against her and she hesitated, shuffling her feet and clearing her throat after a moment.

 

“I need to bandage your hand again. I should probably… pick it up.” She said in a small voice, intently staring at it while flicking a quick glance at Piper, who looked away before disentangling her arm from around her waist and pulling away. The cold air finally seemed to affect her as she crossed her arms in an attempt to replace the arms that had been so firmly holding her.

 

“Of course.” Piper watched from the corner of her eye as Alex bent down and lifted it, swiftly running her hand along its surface with such a delicacy Piper forced herself to look away. She saw Alex turning around to face her after a minute and she started walking before Alex could wrap her in another embrace again.

 

She heard her say something and turned around to face her; to find her walking quickly over to the copilot’s seat before going in, her knee resting on the seat before she pulled out again, holding something in her hand.

 

“The bandage I… it fell.” She mumbled, before gesturing for her to go in and Piper gave her a weak thankful smile before going inside. She watched as Alex rounded the car and hesitated at the entrance before mumbling a low _give me a sec_ and turning around to open the box. She entered the car slowly, glancing at Piper to make sure it was alright and once she’d sat down, she hunched over to put the box under her seat without looking at Piper. Then, with a long sigh, she turned her body to face her.

 

“Piper.”

 

Piper heaved a long, imitating sigh and rested her head on the seat before slightly turning her face to look at her. She was still trying to grasp the extent of her fuck up and it was written in Alex’s face a bit too clearly for her to handle. Searching her face, all she could find were apologies, hurt and guilt and it just struck her again, without a doubt and without any hesitance.

 

_Alex is good._

_Too good for this. Too good for me._ It was a dangerous line of thought for Piper because it threatened to collide with everything she wanted and couldn’t take. It was the reason no _I’m sorry_ would ever be good enough to convey what she felt, or to fix anything besides her own ego. Alex was good, even after everything that had happened, Alex remained _good_ to Piper in ways no one, even before Aaron, had ever been with her.

 

She didn’t know if she deserved that anymore.

 

She didn’t know if she had it in her to reciprocate that kind of love now. Maybe she was just too ruined. She idly wondered how Alex hadn’t noticed yet.

 

“Alex.”

 

Alex bowed her head, looked back up. She said nothing. Instead, she stretched out her hand and Piper suddenly remembered her cut, her still bleeding hand, and she instinctively curled her hand tighter. Alex pressed her lips lightly with an almost imperceptible raise of her eyebrows that only made her look infinitely younger and vulnerable and Piper unclenched her hand. Shuddering at the stickiness, she placed it in her palm; trying to convey that she wasn’t afraid of _her_ , that it was never her that was the problem. She was miles away from knowing how to yet. Still, Alex gave her the tiniest of nods before beginning the process of cleaning and bandaging again and this time Piper didn’t have a problem with avoiding the blood because Alex’s face was all she could see.

 

She didn’t know if Alex would ever be able to look at her the same way if she knew the truth and in a way, she would be losing her. And losing herself in the process because right now, Alex was the only person that looked at her in a way that somehow remembered her for who she was. If Alex learned what she’d become… she was afraid she would stop being Piper even to herself. Just another cliché, washed away under the name of disaster. And Piper wasn’t sure she could fight the tide anymore. Maybe she ought to just be washed away.

 

But looking at Alex, she began wondering if _she_ could handle anything more. Alex still looked as tired as the day they’d re-collided in that hospital. Always, always tired and it clicked in Piper’s mind that it was almost five am and if things were still the way they used to be—and she was most confident that they were, since Alex still worked for the cartel—then she must spend the whole day working, only to meet _her_ at night instead of resting. For a second, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of that before and she had to look away to gather her thoughts.

 

Alex was not taking care of herself, Piper could see it, she knew from that first day at that hospital and yet— and yet there she was messing with her feelings in the worst ways possible because she was incapable of telling the _truth_. All for the sake of keeping up a senseless charade that wasn’t doing anyone any good.

 

The question slipped from her lips before she could give herself time to think of the consequences.

 

“Do you think we should keep seeing each other?”

 

Alex stopped. Piper was still not looking at her. She didn’t want to see her reaction. After a second, she felt her hand again, gingerly dabbing the gauze in her skin, clearing away the blood. Her voice came through another second later, too low for Piper to detect anything besides hesitancy.

 

“Do… _you_ think we should _n’t_ keep seeing each other?”

 

Piper didn’t know how to answer that, so she just looked at her and in her eyes Alex found all the answer she needed. Without a word, she bowed her head again. She took the last piece of gauze from her knee and placed it on Piper’s palm, taping it to her skin with the masking tape as she finished with a soft pat. Alex didn’t let go of her hand. She lowered their hands to rest on the center console and began playing with her fingers. Piper waited patiently, allowing her to think through whatever she was trying to say, staring at their joined hands.

 

“I can’t believe I yelled at you.” She said so softly Piper’s heart forgot to react at the mention of their fight. She forgot everything except Alex’s fingers treading through her own and her voice lingering in the air. Piper sighed at the stillness of the moment, relaxing against her seat. There was nothing to be afraid of here; and maybe this was all she needed. Alex touching her. Alex comforting her. Alex _here._ Her heart kept pushing her forward, always pulling and pulling as if attempting to break out of her chest, all in the name of ending up next to _hers_.

 

Piper was _craving_ _all of it_ and she didn’t know how long she could keep this unfathomable distance between them. Tonight had set the clock in motion.

 

But Alex was still speechless, still trying to say something, still caught up in too many things. And Piper thought that maybe some distances just weren’t meant to be crossed at all. Maybe too far is just too impossible. Maybe some mistakes just aren’t fixable. And maybe that’s a lesson she should have learned a long time ago.

 

“I can’t believe I was the reason for another of your panic attacks.” Piper’s fingers stilled at that, surprised at Alex’s naming of her break down. She pulled her hand slightly back, only their fingertips connecting now, as she considered what to say. She needed to say _something_. But god, Piper had never been good with words. With comfort. That was always Alex and everything seemed even more so very much unfair in that second, and for a fleeting, searing second Piper _hated_ herself.

 

“Alex—” She tried, but only made it so far before Alex was speaking again and her voice was so quiet Piper was afraid to breathe in case she missed anything.

 

“I can’t believe how _scared_ you were.” Her voice was nothing more than a whisper and Piper didn’t know what to say for a second until Alex continued, so low Piper almost didn’t hear it. “ _Of me.”_ At that, Alex withdrew her hand completely, physically folding in on herself, pulling away and Piper instinctively reached for her. Her hand went for hers again but Alex moved away, straightening herself in her seat, facing forward. She placed her hands on the steering wheel, drawing in a deep breath, her hair falling like a curtain, blocking her face and Piper could tell she was desperately trying to gather herself. There was something in the way her shoulders slightly shook that snapped Piper out of it and gave her enough impulse to finally _move._

She stretched over the console, her whole body _reaching_ for her and placed her right hand on her left cheek, gently turning her face at the same time she let out a drawn out, “ _Al.”_

 

She let her thumb brush her cheek and pulled her face closer as she neared the edge of her seat until their faces were only inches apart and began spilling out, scorching her eyes for an approval, a signal that anything she was saying was _helping._

_“Alex._ Listen to me and _please—”_ She looked down, closed her eyes, drew in a breath and when she let it out, she lifted her gaze again, as the words left her mouth. “ _Please_ believe me. What happened tonight wasn’t _— it wasn’t your fault._ I… I overreacted and I couldn’t _think_ straight and I couldn’t help it and that wasn’t your fault.” Alex began shaking her head, pulling back but Piper let her hand travel back around her neck and kept her still. “It wasn’t. I’ve… I haven’t been good, Alex. And I get easily scared and I just had a really shitty day at work and it all just mixed up and _—_ I shouldn’t have pried into your life! It was stupid and childish and it’s alright, okay? You had every right to be…” She couldn’t help the slight tremor when she kept going, “ _mad_ at me for _—”_ Alex began shaking her head again and Piper was left speechless with the fire in her words and the intensity in her eyes when she interrupted her.

 

“This is isn’t _alright_ , Piper. Nothing here is _alright_. What happened tonight is not _fuc—”_ She ran a hand down her face with a long forceful sigh that resembled a groan before she joined Piper’s hand on her cheek and met her eyes again. “Piper.” She said and it somehow sounded pleading, like she was begging for something, anything to make sense of this and Piper was beginning to fear she could not leave Alex tonight without giving her something.

 

She would not leave tonight whole.

 

Piper closed the distance between them and pressed their foreheads together, closing her eyes shut and that’s the moment Alex, perhaps unknowingly, threw her fatal shot. Turning her head slightly, with a feather like brush of her lips against Piper’s cheek and her next words, Piper knew any fight in her was over.

 

“Just tell me… are you okay?” She mused without pulling back, almost whispering in her ear and Piper knew she wasn’t referring to just tonight. She’d finally caught the fault line in her eyes, and Piper felt very tired all of a sudden. She swallowed, looked down and began staring at her fingernails until Alex muttered a soft _hey_ against her cheek to get her attention and that was all it took. She’d always been like that, always knowing _when_ to say _what_.

 

Piper was not so good at that.

 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

 

“Hey.” She repeated, imitating Piper’s whisper, a hand lifting to brush her other cheek, keeping her there. “Why are you sorry? It wasn’t _—_ ”

 

“I’m an alcoholic.”

 

The silence that followed that statement made Piper’s stomach sink, the words hanging threateningly in the air. She heard Alex’s sharp intake of breath and heard her words starting to form in her mouth and then Piper was pulling back, her back resting in the door behind her to get as much distance between them as she could and she was still staring at her hands and she was talking, blurting out senseless _anything’s_ because she was terrified of Alex’s response.

 

“Well, former, I guess. Nearly seven months sober now.” She said that last sentence in a chirpy tone, turning her face to offer a fake grin and in the split second their eyes met Piper saw nothing but disbelief in her face and a rising sense of panic overtook her as she thought about the last bit of her she could recognize in Alex’s eyes fading away and never coming back. Maybe right next to Alex herself.  She couldn’t really blame her. She looked away, out the window now and choked out a bitter laugh. “Don’t really know what that means yet. It never really feels like an accomplishment, you know? More like miserable sober living” She mumbled bitterly. “But yeah. That’s what… That’s what’s been going on with me. It took me a lot of time to quit. It took me a lot to maintain it. And today _—”_ Piper let out a breath, bit her lip, wrenched her hands nervously. “Today I almost fucked up everything. I was _this_ close too. Made sure no one was around _—_ although I guess not really _—,_ took the vodka out of the fridge, I fucking _had it,_ I was going to, Alex.” There was more anger in her voice than anything and she still wasn’t sure if it was at how close she’d gotten to fucking up or… at how close she’d gotten to getting what she needed.

 

Alex hadn’t moved throughout her whole speech and after a deafening moment of silence, she spoke. Her voice was husky, no longer a whisper but not rough either. Piper shivered when it reached her ears.

 

Maybe it was just wishful thinking but she could hear nothing but concern in her voice. She didn’t dare look her way anyway.

 

“What happened?”

 

“My manager happened. He asked me what I was doing, I didn’t hear him coming. I jumped; of course I fucking jumped, like a goddamn 7 year old. Dropped the bottle.” She sighed again, moving her gaze from her hands to her feet. “Got my shoes all wet.” She let that linger for a second, thinking about the vodka on the floor, in her hands, in her shoes and not in her mouth. She shook her head. “I kneeled down to pick up the broken glass and…” She put her left patched-up palm up, running a finger across it, following the cut underneath.

 

There was silence again and Piper’s brain was getting darker and darker thinking about having to learn to live without Alex for a second time, thinking about blowing another chance with her without even managing to say a proper apology, without even actually _having_ her so when Alex finally spoke Piper was already too afraid to stand it.

 

“Pipes _—_ ” Piper spoke over her.

 

“No, listen, it’s fine, Alex, I’m fine. I’m sorry about tonight, you really didn’t sign up for this and I probably should have told you sooner but I’m really sorry for dragging you into this. You don’t need it. I’m just _—_ I’ll just go, okay?” She began reaching behind her back, searching for the door handle, eyes never lifting because she was sure that would be her downfall but then she felt her reaching out and suddenly her hands were on her shoulders, keeping her in place, pulling her in closer with a whisper.

 

“Pipes, shh, come here.”

 

When her thumbs ran across her cheeks was when Piper realized there were tears running down her face and before she knew it, before she could even _think_ of stopping herself, of depriving herself of _this_ , she felt the pull of her arms and then she was crossing over the center console, sitting in Alex’s lap, being cradled like a little kid with her face buried in her neck again. And although it was the second time today, this time it was _real_ and _open_ because her truth—at least part of it— was out and Alex was still here and maybe she wouldn’t leave tonight _whole_ but feeling her lips on her forehead again made her think that she hadn’t been that in a long time now.

 

So Piper let herself be comforted and she cried for herself, for everything she was, everything she wanted to be and she cried for Alex, because she missed her, because she _had_ her and ultimately, she cried for _them_ , for that life she’d left behind and everything that was gone and that would never be again.

 

Alex held her like she was the most precious thing she’d ever had.

 

And Piper grabbed onto her like she’d never forgotten what it felt like to be loved by her.

 

“Don’t worry, kid. I got you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Can You See A Silhouette?

Aaron came back that Sunday and Piper spent hours rolling in bed, thinking about what it would be like to have him back again. When he returned, he slammed the door open and searched for her. Piper had been asleep and she was awoken by his hand grabbing onto hers and pulling her up, off the bed. He hugged her and kissed her and his roughness was a stark contrast against Alex’s softness; different, so so different. His mouth tasted like whisky. Piper matched the roughness in his kiss.

 

Aaron and Pete turned out to get along quite well and they made plans to get drinks almost every day after Pete got out of work; although Piper was sure Pete wasn’t staying outside the whole night like Aaron was. Sometimes she really missed the warmth of another body next to her at nights. But this routine of theirs didn’t last long. Polly called by the end of the week. Apparently she thought Aaron wasn’t a good influence on Pete and Piper could sense an onslaught on her so the first thing she did was mock her phrasing, like Pete was her kid and she was concerned about who he was hanging out with at lunch break. Polly didn’t take it very well.

 

“I just think you should talk to him. Pete says he drinks a lot. Even more so than him. And you know how proud Pete is to say he’s Australian and that’s why he drinks what he drinks.”

 

“What’s your point, Polly?” She could hear her sigh from the other end of the line and Piper narrowed her eyes, waiting for her answer.

 

“My point is, that I thought you were quitting. Both of you. And if he’s drinking that much, Piper, isn’t he making it harder for you too?”

 

At that, Piper raged. Because she was sick of people talking about her alcoholism like it was a card to pull out and just how dare Polly bring that up, like it was ever her concern? Who the hell did she think she was? “I am just fine.” She answered, low and dangerous. “And so is Aaron, okay? He’s just… stressed. Because of work.” That answer sounded flimsy even to her and Piper gritted her teeth because she did _not_ need Polly questioning her right now. Or ever, to be honest. Especially not about this. “And you know what, Pols?” She let out in a sarcastic tone and then came the lie, but at that point, she didn’t even care. “He didn’t drink this much before so maybe it’s Pete that’s the bad influence here, maybe you should be talking to him.”

 

Polly gasped. For a second, it reminded her of her mother. Piper’s patience was running thin.

 

“Pete? My Pete’s not the one with a—problem here Piper.” Her heart clenched at the word. The hurt translated into anger immediately. “My Pete comes home to be with me. He tells me Aaron stays even after he leaves. Does he even come back, Piper?” Piper didn’t answer; too busy shredding the label of an empty beer bottle. “He’s still drinking as much as he was before, isn’t he?”

 

“This isn’t your problem, Polly.”

 

“Is he?” Piper gritted her teeth again, clenched the phone tighter in her hand. “Are you drinking again, Piper?”

 

“You better back _the fuck off right now, Polly.”_ She choked out between her teeth, her voice pure fury now. “Don’t you _dare_ ask me anything like that ever again. This is none of your fucking business. You don’t want your boyfriend hanging out with mine? Go whine to him, I am done. Don’t call again.” She heard Polly starting to say something but she cut the call before she could finish and then she threw the bottle across the living room feeling all of her fury drain out of her with that simple movement. It crashed against the opposite wall. It tainted it with dark drops of liquid. Piper steadied herself against the kitchen counter with a heaving sigh. She didn’t think Polly was going to call back after that.

 

Had she just lost her best friend?

 

As she took out the broom next to the fridge, there were tears running down her cheeks.

 

.

 

Aaron was pissed. Pete had told him something along the lines of _our girls are fighting_ as the reason for them not being able to hang out anymore and Aaron came home drunk and pissed that night. Piper was woken up by the front door being slammed closed and his loud voice calling out her name.

 

“Piper!”

 

Piper felt the same way she did when a thunder broke the quiet of the night. It sounded like danger. She shot up, instantly alert, and stood up, putting on her robe.

 

“What? Aaron? What happened?” Her heart was thumping out of her chest, and her voice was thinner than air, fragile, bent. Aaron stumbled in, pointing an accusatory finger at her from across the bed.

 

“What did you tell Polly?”

 

“What?” She answered, shakenly. He groaned out loud, annoyed.

 

“What did you tell Polly, Piper?” He grumbled, low and seething. “I know you told her something, because now she won’t let Pete go out with me anymore. He said something about the two of you fighting. _What._ Did you. Tell her?”

 

Piper was breathing heavily by now, watching his dark eyes narrow with anger and he was _drunk_ and she was _helpless_ and terrified and tears were already streaming down her face as she began stuttering out her half ass explanation.

 

“I… We just had a fight, I didn’t think she’d actually tell Pete not to go out with you, I’m sorr—”

 

“I don’t want your apologies! I want you to tell me what the fuck you told her. And I swear to _god_ , Piper, if you told her _anything_ —” He raised his arms threateningly and then attempted to get closer, seemingly forgetting the bed was between them, and he collapsed on top of it with a loud grunt as he thrashed to get up again. He was wasted.

 

And Piper was starting to panic because that meant he was out of control and she was running out of time.

 

“I didn’t tell her anything, Aaron, I swear! She… She started saying you were a bad influence f-for Pete and I asked her… I said, ‘what the hell do you mean by that’, I just… I didn’t like the way she was talking about you.” Aaron managed to stand and then he was narrowing his eyes as he got on his knees on the bed and started toward Piper. “I was defending you! She called you a… She said you were a…”

 

“ _What?”_ He had reached her by now and Piper was frozen in place as he wrapped his hands around her wrists with a painful, clenching hold. She couldn’t escape. She was full on sobbing now, with tears streaming down her face but Aaron seemed unfazed by this. He only tightened his grip when Piper tugged with barely any force. She knew she couldn’t outrun him. It was over.

 

“Aaron, Aaron, _please_ , just let me go, let’s talk, let’s—”

 

“What did she say?”

 

 “She— She called you a drunk.” She whimpered. “Aaron, I was just defending you, please don’t hurt me, it wasn’t my fault—”

 

“Did you tell her I’m a drunk, Piper? Did you—”

 

“No!” He jerked their hands down, pulling Piper forcefully down until she was on her knees in front of him and he was towering over her again. She shrunk in her place. “I didn’t, of course I didn’t, Aaron I would never do that. I-I told her not to call you that, I was just—”

 

“Defending me.” He finished for her in a monotonous tone that sounded like heaven for Piper.

 

“Yes. Yes, I was defending you. I swear, babe, I would never—”

 

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” He let go of her hands and waved her reverie away before falling on his side tiredly, kicking his boots off the bed. And just like that, it had passed. Piper stood there, shaking, weeping silently in place as he wriggled to get comfortable, putting a pillow under his head. In a daze, she began running her hands  over her wrists, her arms, then her hair, like a required routine check, as if making sure everything was in place, attempting to calm herself but she was interrupted by his voice. She stilled immediately.

 

“What are you doing? Get down here.” He palmed the space next to him with his eyes closed.

 

“Okay, okay.” She laid down stiffly next to him but he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer, lifting her chin to kiss her, only to pull back right away.

 

“Are you still crying?” He asked, wiping his mouth and Piper did the same with the back of her hand, sniffling after mumbling an embarrassed _no_. He sighed and ran his thumb down her cheekbone. “I’m sorry I got mad, okay? I thought you were talking about me behind my back. Although I’m glad you finally realized what a bitch that Polly chick is. How sad that Pete can’t make his own decisions, right?” He let out a mocking laugh and Piper swallowed before joining in half heartedly. “Do you forgive me, babe?” His voice was slurring more by the second. He was dozing off. “I’ll make it up to you… I’ll… get you something nice, tomorrow… okay?” He jabbed the side of her stomach and Piper jumped.

 

“Yes. Of course. Thank you, sweetie.”

 

He hummed before saying in a barely distinguishable string of words.

 

“Goodnight, love ya.”

 

And Piper lied there, with his arm slung heavily over her waist and the smell of whisky pinching her nose. She cried until the tiredness gave way to sleep.

 

.

 

There was a necklace waiting for her when she got back the next night, and with Pete gone things got back to normal. Piper didn’t hear back from Polly and she didn’t call either. Maybe everything would be easier this way—and maybe, just maybe, a part of her blamed Polly for the night where his voice had thundered its way into her panicking heart.

 

Sometimes Piper had trouble setting things apart. Sometimes Piper couldn’t pinpoint where lay the blame.

 

And maybe sometimes she was just too good at this little game called _denial_.

 

Aaron calmed down a bit after that night. Piper snuck out in the morning to get breakfast at her favorite diner and when she got home, odds were he was still fast asleep in the couch and so she’d make lunch and save him some in the fridge, next to the breakfast she’d pick him up at the diner. They’d sometimes even have lunch together, when he had recovered enough from the previous night to get up at a decent hour—which for him counted as three— and he’d joke around, throwing too much salt in his spaghetti and opening a few too many beers to go with it and Piper found out a long time ago that she’s very good at laughing even when she doesn’t feel like it.

 

But Alex. Alex was the only person capable of telling the difference. And also the only one left capable of making her want to laugh for real. It was rather nice not having to lie up her smiles. It was more than nice knowing she’d be seeing her again. It was what got her through the day. Piper wasn’t really sure what made her before.

 

After that night, Alex started going every single night, except for a few where she had to work and Sunday’s of course, Piper’s free day. Most of the time they wouldn’t even go anywhere, now. They’d just stay in that parking lot, inside Alex’s car, her scent invading Piper’s lungs, enjoying each other’s company and every day it was like they were getting closer, each time it was easier to fall into the carefully constructed bubble they were in and each time they’d fall _deeper_ in. After Piper’s breakdown, after those words fell fervently from Alex’s lips, it was hard going back to that restrained control they kept over their emotions but they were both too scared to take the next step.

 

They weren’t ready. And so, it began again.

 

The slow start. The carefulness in their hands, the uncertain softness in their words, all edges gone now. And this time their advance wasn’t stopped by either of them. They’d started off with soft brushes of hands over the center console just like before; then holding each other for a few minutes to say hello. Parting, lingering cheek kisses; until Piper found herself cradling Alex’s head in her lap in the backseat.

 

And a new routine took place in their lives.

 

Piper would tell her about her day at work, tell her about the ever present glare of her boss, tell her about the whispered rumors she could hear about herself in her co-workers mouths. It was all so very very subtle and delicate. Their relationship. Smooth and easy. Safe and harmless. Alex was everything Piper needed. Alex was everything Piper wanted.

 

Piper spent half of her time wondering how fair was it for her to be cradled like a child when she needed it when she hadn’t even been able to muster up an apology yet. She was working on it.

 

Still, some days Alex tried to delve a little deeper. One time, they were sitting in the backseats gingerly leaning into each other at Alex’s suggestion after she had spotted the tear streaks on Piper’s face when she’d got out of work and she was absentmindedly brushing Piper’s knuckles with her thumb. Piper had to tell her about how she couldn’t find any co-workers free to pour her customers glass of scotch and she’d had to hold her breathe for a full two minutes as she practically ran holding the glass. She’d ended up spilling it anyway and her boss had yelled at her, causing her to have a panic attack locked inside the workers bathroom. She had had to work an extra hour for that.

 

“Pipes, you can call me.” Alex gently lifted her chin with her free hand. Her voice was so soft and earnest, Piper pulled away, wincing.

 

“I’m not going to call you every time I have a panic attack, Alex.”

 

“Why not?” There was silence. “How often does it happen, Piper?” The silence stretched between them and Alex had to suppress a sigh. Sometimes it was so hard to get to Piper. “Kid. Talk to me.”

 

Piper swallowed and shrugged weakly.

 

“It depends.” She let out in a thin voice and then she shook her head. “But it’s stupid. Maybe sometimes I’m just too sensitive. I should have found a way to stop them by now.” She shook her head again, this time angrier, angry at herself because of what she’d just said. She knew what was happening and she knew what she was doing, she’d gone to college for fuck’s sake, she’d read about this. Abused people always blame themselves for everything and never the aggressor, except most of her brain was still incapable of applying the word _abused_ to herself. This fighting, angry person could only come out when she was safe in Alex’s arms and never when she actually needed it. And it never accomplished enough presence to actually change her life so, the only thing it did was left her feeling tired and useless and weak.

 

“On what does it depend?”

 

Piper sighed forcefully, burying her face in her hands and her voice came out muffled. She didn’t want to keep talking about this.

 

“I don’t _know._ It just does. Sometimes I can just feel this _thing_ in the air, in my lungs, waiting, and I’ll merely think of blood and lose it and other times I feel…” She shrugged weakly. “Normal.”

 

Alex took hold of her hand and held tightly for a long second.

 

“Have you considered getting help?”

 

Piper let out a wry laugh.

 

“I think I had enough of that with AA. And I’m fine. I just need… to get a hold of myself.” She said beginning to run her fingernails on her wrist and with desperation hiding as anger in her voice. It didn’t go unmissed by Alex, and she knew not to force it but she gently pried her hands away.

 

“Okay, but if you’re having trouble with that, you call me Piper.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Other times, she’d let Alex do the talking. She mostly told funny stories; she’d always been good at that, lightening the air, make Piper feel like there was nothing to be worried about, like there was just Alex and her and nothing else could ever touch them, her voice her own personal lullaby and Piper would feel herself melt in her arms until she was only aware of the cadence of her words and the rumbling of her laughter in her ears. It was in one of these times that they were both apparently too tired and too comfortable in each other’s embrace. Alex tried to fight it. They had been resting against each other in the middle of the backseat until Piper had suggested with a long sigh that they laid down for just a bit, and proceeded to do so, laying down on her back with her hands in her lap, holding one of Alex’s hands between her own; as if refusing to give up even the slightest of contacts, and her eyes closed. Alex resisted for a while, still talking, her free hand rubbing Piper’s knees that were resting on her lap and staring at her, eyes trained on her curving lips, her fluttering eyelids, her soft hums of response until there weren’t any. Her thumb stopped brushing Alex’s knuckles. And Alex kept staring.

 

Lately she found herself doing that a lot. Before, she hadn’t allowed herself to really look at Piper, her eyes never lingering on her face long enough for the familiarity in her stomach to burn its way up to her chest. She could feel the heat just by being next to her. She could feel that sweltering feeling to the tips of her fingers. It was smothering. But when Piper cracked open right in front of her, the heat turned into warmth. And the familiarity spread wide before her eyes, the warmth translating into all these things she’d forced herself to forget about _them_. The always meeting eyes, the lazy mindless touches, the whispered sleepy _I love you_ ’s.

 

When Piper cracked open, the familiarity stopped feeling dangerous. It led Alex home.

 

And now that feeling was the last thing that felt real in her life. _She_ hadn’t been for a while. It was effectively and inevitably pulling her towards what felt like an end and the goal at the same time and she was clueless as to what was beyond it. Piper was the black hole. And Alex was having trouble reminding herself that that made her the ship about to get obliterated. Oblivion had always struck Alex as the loneliest and unfairest of ends.

 

But she couldn’t make herself worry about that when Piper was the one that looked wrecked. Right now, with her lips slightly open and the gentle rise and fall of her chest she looked painfully open and beautiful and before she even knew it, Alex was done for. She carefully lied down next to her, fitting snugly on her side between the back rest and Piper’s sprawled out form with one of her hands beneath her head and the other tight against her hip to keep it from wandering. She wouldn’t. No, she couldn’t. But she didn’t have to. As soon as she was on her side, Piper shifted as if suddenly aware of her closeness. She seemed to stretch, then shuffled, sighed and turned. Her arm wound around Alex’s waist naturally as if that’s where it indisputably belonged and she pushed closer with her feet, pressing their chests together. Alex laid frozen the whole time. When Piper seemed to finally settle, Alex couldn’t help but shudder because Piper’s nose was bumping against her own and her lips were a breath away and it was all a little bit too much for Alex’s self control.

 

Except… asleep Piper almost looked like herself. And as her chest tightened with that fear she couldn’t shake after that horrible night and with that hopelessness wrapping around her heart every time Piper smiled and it didn’t quite reach her eyes, the only comfort Alex could find was letting her arm fall twice as gripping around her waist. It helped. And then the fear was replaced with longing as Piper sighed again and Alex let her head fall onto the seat so her thumb could cross the small distance between them and brush down the length of her cheekbone only to hesitate at the corner of her lips. Alex swallowed, placed her hand under her chin, lifted it a bit, turned her face an inch and then buried her face in the space between Piper’s face and the seat, breathing in while her heart clenched in the faintest of heartbreaks.

 

Piper’s skin smelled of all the things that hurt late at night. It smelled of waking up in your bed with sunlight kissing your bare form, of sunlight making the corner of your eyes crinkle, of sunlight gleaming in her smile, of sunlight gleaming in your soul. It was a smell made of lovely.

 

It was a lovely made of home.

 

Sometimes Alex wondered if it was actually her the one that was saving Piper, like she always made it out to be, or if it was Piper saving her. The lovely took a hold of herself in striking immediacy and in no time Alex slipped into an oblivion that didn’t sound quite so horrible.

 

.

 

When Piper woke up it was nice. It was comfortable. Warm. And familiar in a somewhat strange kind of way, that tasted like long ago. She breathed in and all she got was Alex. _Alex_. How nice, she thought again. Still wrapped up in that sleep haze, Piper furrowed deeper, only half stretching as she pushed closer to Alex’s scent.

 

But then she felt her stirring underneath her. Piper opened her eyes. It was day. It was late.

 

Her face was pressed against Alex’s neck. She pulled back slightly and took notice of Alex on her back in the backseat of her car, and herself on her side with her leg partially over her waist and her arm loosely hooked around Alex’s neck. Alex’s arms were around her and her face was tilted downward, toward Piper. She was still sleeping, completely unaware of Piper’s panic starting to set in and one small part of her was almost sorry she didn’t have time to bask in this moment for any longer because one second later she was wriggling out of Alex’s embrace and landing on her back on the car’s floor in her haste.

 

“Pipes?” Alex lifted a hand to her face, rubbing herself awake slowly while her other hand felt around herself, looking for Piper. When she came up empty, she opened her eyes and shot up when she saw her on the floor, face scrunched up with worry. “What? What happened?”

 

Piper was stumbling to get up at the same time reaching for the nearest handle, the one to Alex’s back, to get out of there.

 

“I… I have to go, Alex, I have to go now, I’m sorry I…”

 

“Pipes, hey. Piper? Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s fine, just calm down.”

 

“No, you don’t understand, Alex, I have to _go now.”_

 

Alex was about to reply when Piper finally looked at her, eyes wide and scared and Alex let her head fall back for a second, recollecting herself – she had to do that a lot lately – and then closed her eyes and nodded. She reached behind her and opened the door, hurrying to be the first one to get out, not willing to let Piper run. But when Piper stepped out, she wasn’t even looking at her. She was gripping her phone tightly in her hand, knuckles going white and she was shuffling her feet, as if completely clueless about what to do now. Alex said her name and Piper lifted her gaze, finally acknowledging her presence. And then she was stepping forward, closing her eyes right before she wrapped her arms around her neck with need and Alex hugged her back, softly rubbing her back, not really knowing why.

 

“Do you really have to go? We could…” Piper gripped her tighter. Alex already knew it was futile. “We could go get breakfast.”

 

Piper shook her head and untangled herself from Alex. She stepped back, staring at the ground, eyes hidden.

 

“No. No, I… I should go.”

 

Something about letting Piper go right now felt really really wrong.

 

“Okay, well… take care.” Piper nodded and took a tentative half step away from Alex. “See you tonight?”

 

At that, Piper lifted her head, not quite meeting her eyes but there, and a soft smile tugged at her lips. “Yeah.” A nod. “Yes, see you tonight, Al.”

 

She walked away, and Alex stood there, staring until she was out of sight. She had no idea what had just happened but something was tugging at the pit of her stomach. Alex knew that something really bad must have happened to Piper for her to have become this fragile, tormented person.

 

It just hadn’t occurred to her that whatever that was, it could still be happening.

 

.

 

Piper could smell the vodka in his breath when he spoke and the sick, fucked up part of herself breathed in because _fuck_ if she didn’t miss that scent, that taste in her mouth every single day. She sometimes wondered if that was why she was still with him. He was the closest to alcohol she could get, but truth be told, she didn’t know which was more damaging. Probably him. Then again, there probably wasn’t _a_ fucked up part of her. Her whole being was fucked up.

 

She knew this was coming. She just didn’t expect it to come from a stupid _stupid_ mistake of hers. She should have known better than this. And yet, here she was, begging again, crying like a pathetic and helpless little child, nothing more than a terrified mess. It didn’t do any good. He was still drunk from last night. It was just her luck that he would wake up exactly _today_ to eat his breakfast fresh only for the clock to hit noon with her still gone. And it was just her luck that she would forget to put her phone off vibrate and therefore, miss his call. It was just her luck that the hunger and alcohol and the way her clothes were wrinkled upset him even more.

 

Maybe it just wasn’t her day. But still. A month and a half. That’s how long it had taken for reality to find its way written onto her face again. It was a pretty decent timeline.

 

.

 

That night, she called in sick for work. The tally was:

 

-One small cut at the top of her left cheekbone.

 

-One big bruise all over the left side of her face.

 

-Two average bruises on both sides of her neck—not so big but they had his fingerprints. If seen, impossible to lie about.

 

-Several small bruises going from her wrists to her shoulders.

 

-Another line of small bruises on her stomach.

 

Now, _this_ was bad.

 

She texted Alex; short and cold: **Got sick. Don’t go.**

 

She called almost immediately after. Piper didn’t answer. She couldn’t stop crying.

 

The next morning, it was noon and Piper was lying in bed. She hadn’t got up to get breakfast. She hadn’t moved at all since she went to bed last night. It hurt. She didn’t dare go into the bathroom, see the ugly reality burning in her face, see the reason why she couldn’t see Alex, see the reason why she was dying to in the first place. She just couldn’t face herself right now. She wanted to be held. She wanted to remember what it was like to be touched and not burned. She wanted Alex.

 

Would Alex want her like this? Would she still want her bruised and battered and damaged in all the ways there was to be damaged? If there was something that could cross her limit, or anyone’s, it was this. After nearly three months of Aaron staying in his lane, he’d cracked. He was drunk, he was angry, he didn’t listen to any explanation, he only got more riled up when Piper started crying. And that made sense in Piper’s brain. Could it make sense in Alex’s?

 

What if Aaron found out about her?

 

What if Aaron hurt Alex?

 

Her phone started ringing again. Alex. She waited until the call ended, texted her again, short and cold and definitive. She put her phone on silence just as another call came in. Piper flipped it so the screen faced the bed. She couldn’t stop crying.

 

 

 


	9. Pick It All Up

Her wallowing in self pity only lasted a day.

 

She had a job she couldn’t lose and Aaron to avoid at least for a few days and _Alex_ to look forward to and it all translated into a handkerchief tied neatly to her neck, long sleeves shirts and so much makeup it helped erase her face even more.

 

Sometimes looking in the mirror got hard.

 

The minute she stepped inside the restaurant, the stares started to pile up on her back. The whispers got louder. Everyone knew what happened to her, it was impossible to miss it, no matter how much make up she put on, but she kept on lying and she kept on smiling because at that point it was the best she could do; and her manager didn’t look at her with so much disdain anymore but Piper felt the pity weighing a thousand times more than the resent.

 

Only fifteen minutes into her shift, though, he walked over to her with carefulness written all over his face and an apologetic but authoritative tone.

 

“Chapman, I think you should work in the kitchen tonight.” She whipped her head up, lifting her eyes from the floor where they’d stay every time someone talked to her face.

 

“What? Why?” He let an awkward silence answer for him as his eyes avoided her face and she felt her face heating up as he looked for the words that would let her down easy. She didn’t have that patience. “Because of my face? That’s it, isn’t it?”

 

“I’m sorry, but it makes the customers uncomfortable.”

 

Piper had to suppress an eye roll because really? It made them uncomfortable? How about how it made _her_ feel? But there was no use and she clenched her teeth with all of her bitten back words as she turned on her heels with a sigh and headed for the kitchen. She was welcomed with fleeting eyes and tight lipped smiles and Piper knew immediately this would be hell.

 

When her shift was over, she didn’t bother saying goodbye to anyone. She waved at her manager from the kitchen door and headed to her locker, taking off her apron and letting go of her hair there instead of in the bathroom. She threaded her fingers through her hair soothingly and tightened her handkerchief around her neck. She could do this.

 

Alex would be waiting outside, Piper knew it. She’d ignored all of her calls and texts but she knew her. She’d be there.

 

She left the restaurant through the back door, finding refuge in the shadows, hoping with all of her might it would be enough for Alex to miss the bruises on her face. She peeked from around the dumpsters looking for her car and there she was; leaning against it, arms folded, eyes trained on the front door of the restaurant, waiting for her. Piper’s heart seized and she leaned against the wall for a second, gathering her thoughts. She had to play this right and she had to fight the want in the pit of her stomach begging for her to bury herself in Alex’s chest and plead to be taken far, far away. But she couldn’t do that, Piper couldn’t just _leave_ because it wouldn’t be fair to Aaron and she would be a coward and—

 

What would he do without her?

 

She let her head fall back and an almost inaudible whimper left her mouth. Because there were also pure selfish reasons and she knew it but still, she couldn’t fight that dread wrapping around her heart at the thought of Alex knowing the truth. What would Alex even think of her if she found out about Aaron?

 

_An abusive, alcoholic boyfriend, huh? How’s that for stupidity?_

_No. She can’t know._

Piper buried her face in her hands, a desperate, choked out sound escaping her lips. It was always rounding her mind and Piper could never be sure if that was her own voice in her head or everyone else’s. It was there, it was _there_ , in the way they looked at her, in the way they talked to her; she couldn’t take it. It reminded her of her parents being too embarrassed to talk about her to their neighbors, of her father refusing to speak to her in over seven months, of her mother’s eternal passive aggressive comments and Polly’s attempting-at-subtlety-but-never-quite endless inquiries about ‘how are you doing, Pipe?’

 

Without her realizing it, she was scratching at her wrists again, old wounds coming undone and it made her grit her teeth because she needed to fucking pull herself together to do this and so she needed to stop thinking about the things that made her angry. She cleared her throat just for her own peace of mind and took a few steps forward, lifting her arms and letting out a loud _Alex!_ for her to hear. When she’d got her attention, she waved her arms and after staring at her confusedly for a few moments, Alex started walking toward her in long strides.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asked before pulling her in for a hug with wandering hands roaming over her hair and it reminded Piper of _that_ night. She shuddered as she pushed back.

 

“Nothing, I just… can’t stay.” She said, not meeting her eyes.

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I told you I got sick, I don’t feel so good, I need to be home...” She continued but Alex was having none of it. She placed her hand under her chin and attempted to lift it to get a better look at her face but Piper resisted.

 

“Piper, what’s going on?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Kid, look at me.”

 

“Alex, I have to go, just…”

 

“Pipes.”

 

“Stop!”

 

Alex pulled back immediately, raising her arms to show she wasn’t going to keep pushing her.

 

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–”

 

“No, no, it’s–” Piper cleared her throat, embarrassed. “I’m sorry I can’t stay.” She leaned forward and gingerly placed a kiss on Alex’s cheek before turning around to leave, but not fast enough to miss her saying her name in a fragile and small voice, like reaching with her voice when her hands had been banned. It made the walking away feel like shackles around her ankles, pulling her against her will.

 

.

 

Aaron suggested they watched a movie together. After the… incident, he hadn’t left the house except to get her flowers and breakfast in the morning although he only got up, and with great effort, at one pm. Still. They ate together in bed and Piper thanked him for the flowers before getting up to put them in a vase with water.

 

When she got home from work, he was there and he welcomed her sitting on the dinner table with his laptop on top and his glasses on. It was a nice sight and he turned around and smiled at her before getting up and kissing her soundly on the lips.

 

“Hi, how was work?”

 

“Well, you know… it was okay.” She said, pulling aside to leave her purse on the kitchen counter and then gestured at the table. “Are you writing?”

 

“Trying to, at least.” He let out a laugh and settled back on the table, gazing at her nervously, as Piper put the food in the microwave for dinner. He cleared his throat and started sheepishly, “So I was thinking… we could watch a movie tonight?”

 

Piper frowned and glanced at him before focusing right back into the task at hand, feigning confusion as she answered, “a movie? Where?”

 

“Well, here. It’s too late to catch anything on the big screen.” He said humorously but Piper didn’t laugh. She could always allow herself a few days of at least deadpanned answers after he crossed the limit too far and she appreciated it, especially when she barely felt strong enough to get up in the mornings. But Aaron knew he had done badly and that guilt in the corner of his eyes was what always tangled her back in. It reminded her of her own. It made her feel weak in the knees. It kept her from running away.

 

“I don’t think so, sweetie. I’m exhausted; I’ve just been dying to go to bed all day.” She divided the food into two plates and turned around to place them on the table. She caught his eyes dimming with disappointed and she swallowed. “But, um, maybe tomorrow?” He raised his head and smiled. Piper’s eyes found her feet. “In the… in the morning, though. I have, uh, I took a double shift tomorrow night.”

 

Aaron frowned as Piper sat down and began playing with the food in her plate, her chin on her palm.

 

“Why did you take a double shift if you’re so tired?”

 

Piper shrugged and then said in a faint tone as she munched on some lettuce, “My manager needed someone. I was the only one that didn’t have a problem with going.”

 

“Why didn’t you have a problem with going? You could come home early, spend time with me.” Piper ducked her head and he lightened his tone when he continued. “I miss you. We could… do something tomorrow.”

 

“I already said I’d do it, Aaron.” She saw his fist clench around his fork from the corner of her eye and she closed her eyes, face still hidden, as she continued, conceding. “But we have all day tomorrow. What do you want to do?”

 

“I just want to spend time with you. We could go to that place you like, that diner with the donuts.” He smiled at her, hopeful and Piper nodded forcing a smile on her lips.

 

“Okay. I’d like that.”

 

.

 

When the time came for her to go to work, Piper was grateful because Aaron had been demanding her attention all day long and it had been exhausting. It had been a long time since she’d spent time with Aaron–and _not-drunk_ Aaron at that.

 

Sober Aaron was polite. He opened the doors for her, pushed back her chair for her to sit and extended his arm for her to hold on to as they walked. Sober Aaron was slightly shy in his kindness and childish in his embarrassment. Sober Aaron had anger issues just like Drunk Aaron and it made Piper tremble just the same. But Sober Aaron made her think that maybe things did have a chance at getting better. As long as she avoided mirrors, that feeling stood.

 

But she _had_ to face mirrors. She had to look at her reflection as they walked by window panels and she had to endure people’s stares as they walked hand in hand and she had to suppress the urge to bow her head down every time and it just couldn’t feel normal; meanwhile Aaron reached desperately for any semblance of normalcy he could grasp. Piper wasn’t built to stand judgment. Aaron couldn’t care less.

 

When she left, he was moody, grumbling on the couch about his girlfriend not having time for him and she kissed him chastely on the cheek and evaded his hands when he tried to keep her there. When she was outside, she breathed out a sigh of relief.

 

She’d gained herself time with Alex tonight. That was definitely worth something. And she tried to battle the feeling of guilt in her stomach thinking about Aaron wanting her there and her lying her way out of time with her boyfriend. It was always such a contradiction and Piper was beginning to notice the toll of the situation in her constant itching throat and the scabs on her wrists falling apart but she was still stuck between wanting Alex back so much it made her chest hurt, and trying to convince herself she could never be good enough for her again; and also wanting to be there for Aaron because he needed her too and yes, he was bad but so was _she_ and maybe all he needed was someone who could have faith in him and where would she even go if she left him, what would she do, what would _he_ do–

 

Sometimes Piper couldn’t decide what was right and what was wrong. There were just too many edges and she was slipping in all of them.

 

She had to work the kitchen again but this time she didn’t let that bother her. It smelled nice and all she had to do was chop carrots and onions and make sure nothing burned. She was extra careful with the knife though. She didn’t want to be kicked out of the kitchen too.

 

When it was time to go, Piper found herself feeling relaxed. Because the kitchen was actually a really calmed place to be in; she didn’t have to deal with rude customers or her manager’s eyes following everywhere and as she let her hair loose and shoved her apron in her bag, she was able to also shove every unwelcomed feeling deep within her stomach and convince herself that maybe things just weren’t that bad. As a last attempt to make things right, she walked into the bathroom and forced herself to lift her gaze.

 

 _Okay, well, it is arguably_ definitely _not the worst I’ve had_.

 

She had a band aid over the cut that wasn’t even that big, right at the top of her cheekbone and well… the bruise didn’t look nearly as bad as it did without make up; just a dark blotch on her left cheek. All she had to do was stay on Alex’s left side and in the dark and she’d be fine.

 

Just in case though, she reapplied her make-up and took a deep breath before she walked out.

 

As she stepped out of the restaurant through the back door, she saw Alex, against her car again, with her cellphone pressed against her ear but her eyes focused on the back door now and when she took notice of Piper, she hung up and headed toward her.

 

“Hi.” She started softly, pushing her glasses over her head and fixing Piper with an earnest look. She kept a good distance between them. Piper’s smile dimmed. Alex didn’t want to scare her away. It made Piper want to cry.

 

“Hi.” Was all she could muster as she stared at the ground, suddenly ashamed of herself.

 

“Pipes.” She began in a low, unequivocal voice and Piper could sense what was coming. She could picture Alex’s face perfectly. When Alex apologized, she always had this wide open look on her face; it was telling and unashamed and it made Piper’s chest constrict because if Alex was anything for sure, it was honest about her feelings. Maybe Piper should learn from her.

 

“Look. I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t—”

 

She was interrupted by Piper’s arms wrapping around her neck. Piper breathed her in, feeling a shudder run up her spine as Alex responded with sure, soft hands, threading her fingers through her hair immediately, like she’d been waiting to do that for a while.

 

“I’m sorry I left like that yesterday.” Alex stopped her movements. Piper had always been one for passive aggressive and overly polite apologies. She imagined Alex wasn’t expecting that; especially not the emotion in her voice. Piper clung to her even more and Alex softly rubbed her back, before pulling back and placing a kiss on her right cheek. She pressed their foreheads together and whispered conspiratorially.

 

“Your hair smells like onion.”

 

The laughter bubbled out of Piper holding inside all of the pent up tension from the last couple of days and Alex followed, both of them giggling like school girls barely able to look at their faces hidden in the shadows.

 

“I worked the kitchen tonight.” She mused, eyes narrowed trying to discern Alex’s eyes. “They even let me wear a toque, one of those little chef hats.”

 

Alex chuckled and quirked an eyebrow in an endearing look as her right hand lifted and landed on Piper’s left cheek. “A chef hat, huh?” Piper couldn’t keep that toothy grin off her face any longer and Alex continued, unable to help her own grin in response, “Fuck the detective cap then, I wanna see you—”

 

Piper felt a sting right at the top of her cheek at the same time Alex stopped talking, and she watched her face scrunch up in confusion before muttering, _what’s this?_ and turning Piper’s face in her hands.

 

“Piper, what—?”

 

“Leave it, Alex.” She said sharply, pulling away violently. Her heart began thumping erratically in her chest, the instinct of _hide it, damn it_ burning poisonous in her veins.

 

_No one can know, no one can know, no one can know…_

 

“Piper, what is that?” She said, stepping closer with her eyes narrowed, trying to take a proper look through the darkness but Piper turned around, her back to Alex, waving her away with a shake of her hand.

 

“It’s nothing, it’s— it’s nothing, Alex.”

 

“Then let me see it.” She said, rounding her to find her face again but Piper spun back around, avoiding her.

 

“It’s just a cut, it was an accident, it’s nothing, Alex.” Alex grabbed her by the shoulder to keep her in place, but Piper backed away from her, shaking her head. “I said _leave it_.” She turned her back again, now starting to walk away from her in a hurried, frenzied manner and Alex called after her. Piper didn’t turn around. She heard footsteps behind her but didn’t dare look behind because she had already reached light and she needed to get out of there, _now, now, now._

 

But she wasn’t fast enough and Alex was not going to just let her go now, not after this. She caught up with her, rounding her to get in front of her. And even though Piper did her best at ducking her head and turning away, it was too late. Alex gasped, lurched forward and grabbed her by the shoulder, keeping her in place with one hand as she raised the other to lift her chin, watching her face appear in full light. A choked out sound left Alex’s lips.

 

“Piper.” She said breathlessly, still trying to keep her immobile but Piper wouldn’t give, twisting in her hold, craning her neck to keep the truth away from her.

 

“Alex I’m fine, it’s fine, it’s just a bruise.” She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes because _this wasn’t supposed to happen._ And _everything was so good for a second._

 

“Baby…” Whispered Alex, still in shock. There was a bruise dark and sweltering on Piper’s whole left cheek and she was desperately trying to downplay it. Alex swallowed, sucked in a breath. “What happened?” Her voice was a mixture of urgency and confusion; hurt and anger, because she knew this wasn’t from an accident, there was something running dangerous beneath the surface that Piper was trying to hide. But _why?_

Piper raised her hands and gently pried Alex’s away, putting on a wince on her face so she’d let her; and, still looking at the ground, she whispered, already knowing it was useless.

 

“I fell.”

 

“Piper…” Her hands were still lingering in the air; too scared to touch, too scared to help herself. Piper was unhinging. Her eyes were looking away with tears brimming on the corners and that heart clenching look she had when all she wanted to do was break; a tight lipped grimace on her face as her chin quivered, barely suppressed whimpers right at the top of her tongue. It was breaking Alex’s heart. “Tell me what happened.” All she did was shake her head. “Kid, you can trust me.”

 

“You don’t understand.” She said in a small voice that had Alex taking a tiny step forward, anything to feel Piper closer, ready to catch if she started unfurling. “You _wouldn’t_ understand.”

 

“I can try.” She whispered and Piper let out an almost inaudible whimper. Alex’s hand moved on its accord and went to caress Piper’s cheek, except this time she didn’t pull away. Piper closed her eyes, turned her face and let her head fall on Alex’s hand. Alex felt her hand getting wet and she was going to wipe her tears when Piper’s next words made her freeze.

 

“I have a boyfriend.” It was a guilty confession, as if she was more ashamed of having a boyfriend and not telling Alex than what that meant in this situation.

 

And with a striking force, everything clicked.

 

“You… Wait. What?”

 

Piper looked up.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I should have, I know it, I was just scared and _I’m sorry,_ okay?”

 

“Piper.” She said, still breathless, straining to collect her thoughts. She needed to act. Alex closed her eyes, and asked the final confirmation. “He did this to you?”

 

Piper’s whole face constricted into a grimace of pure sadness.

 

“Yes.”

 

Alex needed to get her the hell out of there.

 

She took her hand, and whispered _come on_ before gently tugging her hand and starting walking towards her car, her brain buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. Piper followed mindlessly, whispering half assed explanations, _he… didn’t mean it, Alex, he was just angry. That day we… I didn’t get home on time and he…_ And her voice was low as she stared at the ground, sounding so detached it made the whole situation feel even more unreal. Piper got inside Alex’s car and couldn’t help her heart clenching when Alex closed her door and walked away and it didn’t stop feeling like that until Alex was opening her door and getting in herself. When she turned on the engine, though, that’s when Piper reacted.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“To my apartment.”

 

Piper’s hand flew over to Alex’s over the steering wheel.

 

“I can’t.”

 

Alex’s whole body went still. And then she said in a low, dangerous voice.

 

“Why not?”

 

“I have to be home by 6.”

 

Alex swallowed visibly, shook her head. “No, you don’t.”

 

“Yes, I do.” Piper said in a quivering, tired voice.

 

“Piper—” She cut herself short, drawing in a staggered breath before her right hand went over to the inside of her elbow and started scratching through her jacket roughly, and then she was speaking in cut short words through clenched teeth. “You can’t— you’re not seriously thinking you’re gonna go _back_ to—you have to—you have to _let me do this_.” It was the distress in her words what finally cracked the tiny fragment of will she was holding onto and then she was nodding, burying her head in her hands and letting Alex drive her away. _Just for a while,_ she promised herself.

 

Meanwhile Alex kept praying she’d have the force of will to not do _anything else_ , her mind already going over who she could call to take care of this—take care of _him_ — and she almost shuddered at the notion of how easy it would be.

 

 

.

 

Alex took her to _their_ apartment. The same one they’d shared almost three years ago now. It had changed; the decoration, the lighting, the placement, _everything._ It looked so different. It smelled different, too, not just Alex but something else and after a second it clicked that it was the same smell she’d noticed the first time she got into Alex’s car. She pushed the thought aside. No more snooping around. She’d learned that much.

 But when she entered even though everything else had changed, it still hit her.

 

It felt like home.

 

Alex didn’t take the time for any awkward, half assed introductions or explanations. She looked at her, let her eyes roam at the place holding so many memories around them like forcing herself to witness it all through Piper’s eyes now, and then back at her and something went alight in her eyes. She took her hand and guided her to the bedroom, as if she needed guidance at all but as soon as they were there, she was reaching into her closet and pulling out a towel. She turned around, her hand still holding Piper’s and her eyes were a shade of insecurity when she asked, “Wanna take a shower?”

 

It was obvious they needed to talk but that sounded like to heaven to Piper. She nodded, the corners of her lips tugging up in the faintest of smiles before she grabbed the towel and murmured, “Thank you.” as she slipped away into the bathroom. She undressed slowly; swallowing as she looked up and stared at her image in the mirror, wondering for the millionth time what would Alex think. She still didn’t know. She hadn’t said anything on the ride to her apartment, holding the steering wheel so tight her knuckles had gone white and never once even glancing at Piper. So she forced herself to look and imagined being Alex, staring at this canvas of yellow, purple, dark blotches among soft pink skin that was once so familiar to her. Piper didn’t know if Alex could recognize it anymore. Piper didn’t know if _she_ could recognize it anymore.

 

Showering had always been her own personal recollection spot to keep herself together and Alex knew. She didn’t take her time though, just enough to ground her, and then she was making herself get out, already trembling at the conversation ahead of her and she avoided the mirror now.

 

When she stepped out of the bathroom, Alex was sitting on the edge of her bed— _their_ bed— staring at her cellphone in her hands and she quickly threw it aside and stood up when she saw her. Piper knew she was staring at the bruise.

 

“It’ll fade.” She said, managing to get Alex’s attention even for just a second, her eyes snapping up to hers before quickly looking away. “The bruise. It’s going to fade.”

 

Alex didn’t answer and she didn’t seem to want to look at her. Her eyes refusing to meet Piper’s was undoing all of the good she’d managed to put together and it was finishing to tear her apart and it looked like Alex had lost all of the momentum that had pushed her to bring Piper here but Piper needed something. _Anything._ She drew in a silent breath and began approaching her slowly, with small indecisive steps and saw Alex shuffling her feet nervously, clearly at a loss of what to do. Piper touched her arm before she slipped away again and gently, very gently, as if Alex was the one with the battered body, she let herself do what felt _right_.

 

It didn’t matter that it was probably the worst timing to do it and it didn’t matter that it was just a desperate attempt at feeling her close again because a part of Piper blindly thought that maybe this was what they’d needed all along. Maybe this was what Piper had needed since they had fallen apart all that time ago.

 

She pulled her close, frantic for the touch of her lips now that it had crossed her mind, completely erasing any sense left in her but still making herself go slow because she didn’t want to overwhelm her. Her other hand went to cup her cheek. And it kept repeating in her mind; maybe this was all they needed; maybe all they had to do was press their lips together and hope to god everything else faded away and so Piper was hopeful and more than a little desperate, bringing her closer until their lips were a breath away and just then, before they touched, Alex drew back.

 

“I’m going to make you some tea, okay?” Alex had pushed back and now, she was looking at Piper with wide pleading eyes, as if apologizing for the blatant rejection and after a second she ambled towards the door. Leaving her there. Piper swallowed the knot in her throat and turned away, her back to Alex when she spoke. She didn’t catch Alex freezing at her words.

 

“I get it. You don’t have to make excuses, Alex. No one wants to be with the fucked up girl that lets her fucked up boyfriend beat her and then defends him. Pathetic, huh?” She laughed wryly and went to lay down in bed on her side because suddenly she felt very tired and it _hurt,_ Alex’s rejection _hurt_ and it just made her bruises all the more real and painful, weighing down her skin, dragging her down with them. She didn’t want to do this and she knew she shouldn’t, that it wasn’t fair to Alex to make those words fall from her lips and expect reassurance that not everything was lost, like she deserved anything at all, like she could _take_ anything at all, but Piper couldn’t make herself stop. She was holding herself, with her knees up to her chest, her wet hair spread like a halo around her head and trying with all of her might not to fall apart because she didn’t know what else she could stand to lose. Alex not wanting her was definitely not the worst thing that had happened to her, but that it was the most painful there was no doubt.

 

“Piper. You know that’s not true.”

 

“Don’t lie.” She whispered shakenly. Alex stepped closer and Piper kept talking if only to stop her from getting any closer because she thought she may not resist the hurt in her eyes again. “I see the way you look at me. I’m just a stupid coward, that’s the truth.”

 

“You’re not—” A forceful sigh. And then, earnest words pronounced with such certainty and hopefulness, as if everything were that easy, that cut Piper’s heart in two because Alex just _didn’t understand._ “Pipes. Listen. Don’t go back. You can stay here. Okay? I’ll take care of you, we will… We’ll figure this out, we’ll make this right again and he’ll never touch you again, I promise you that. It’ll be alright. You’ll stay here, you can stay here as long as you want and we’ll— we’re going to— I’ll help you, okay? You’ll get back on your feet and I will _help_ you.” As Alex talked, a dark swirling crept up on Piper’s brain and her answer was immediate and monotonous.

 

“I can’t do that, Alex. I’m sorry.”

 

There was a long stretch of silence and Piper thought for a second that she wasn’t even going to answer, that maybe she’d just kick her out right there and then and give up and finally label her the lost cause that she was. When she did speak, though, Piper winced at the rise in her tone, her nails digging into her legs. She sounded eerily calm but Piper could hear the pain behind her words. “You’re sorry?” No answer. Piper could hear a sound that very much resembled a groan from where Alex was and then she was talking, harsher, lower, and deadly. “Tell me how was it, Piper. A fist? Did he have a ring on that cut you? Or was it just the force of his knuckle? Do you need a mirror, Piper?” Piper shot up in bed, gasped as she looked at Alex who ignored the plea in her eyes when she saw Piper’s hands fly instinctively at her neck and stomach from the pain of getting up too fast. Alex narrowed her eyes. “Take off that handkerchief.”

 

“No.” Piper whined. She’d lost all defenses. With her words, Alex had stripped her down completely, reducing her to a shaking, terrified mess, too caught up in the memories and pain of that night to put up any real fight.

 

“Piper… show me.” She’d softened her voice and it was slightly shaking, despite Alex’s obvious efforts to keep it together.

 

Piper had lost that battle. Her eyes trained on the duvet, she raised her arms and untangled the handkerchief from her neck, letting it fall on her lap.

 

The air in the room shifted as Piper revealed her neck and she felt naked, exposed and most of all, filthy. She didn’t dare look at Alex; who didn’t make a sound nor move for what felt like eternity until she whispered, “Piper you… You know this isn’t right… He could have… What if he had…” Piper knew instinctively what she meant and it made her think of herself as a shell on the shore line, kicked to the side until she was finally washed away by the sea. Yes. He could have. So many times. 

 

“But he didn’t.”

 

“Oh yeah, let’s give him a fucking medal.” She growled. “How do you know this was a one time thing?”

 

At that, Piper let out a painful laugh. “It wasn’t. Trust me, I know.”

 

Alex visibly trembled.

 

“What? He’d- He’d done it before? And you’re still with him? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Piper heard her voice getting closer, until Alex was standing right in front of her but by the time she finished talking Piper had shut her eyes, trying to keep the tears from spilling. Alex spoke again, breathless this time, and Piper could hear the regret in her voice. “Pipes. Don’t go back, you can have your life back, I can help you. But you can’t go back to him, he’s—” Her voice filled with hatred when she spit. “He doesn’t fucking deserve you. He should be rotting away in jail right now.”

 

Piper flinched, her whole body going slack with distaste because no, she didn’t want that for Aaron; she could _never_ want that for Aaron. And so she opened her eyes, wiped her tears and looked up at her. This time Alex didn’t look away. Piper smiled when she began, softly, toxic. “You know what’s funny, though?” Alex shook her head when she realized Piper was waiting for a response and when Piper stretched her hand, she took it. She guided her until Alex sat on the edge of the bed and then continued, “In his own fucked up way, he does love me.” When Alex began shaking her head, Piper squeezed her hand and when she got her attention again, she repeated, surely. “He does. You, on the other hand, despite all of this.” She said, gesturing at the place. “You still hate me, Alex.”

 

Alex parted her lips ready to jump with already formed words hanging on her tongue but then she stopped and widened her eyes, as if Piper had stroked something inside of her and it had taken a moment to reach home. She swallowed visibly, shook her head again, this time weakly. “I don’t- I don’t hate you.”

 

“Yes you do.” She whispered and Alex looked away, again.

 

“I don’t hate you.”

 

“You can’t even look at me, Alex.”

 

“That is _not_ because I—”

 

“The only reason you’re doing this for me is because you’re sorry for me.” Alex was still shaking her head, fingernails scratching desperately at the inside of her elbows but she didn’t seem to be aware she was doing it. “That day I lost my mind in that parking lot you realized I was fucked up and you felt sorry for me and—”

 

“That’s not true, it’s not true.” She kept repeating it like a mantra but Piper wouldn’t stop talking. It was spilling out of her like poison, like long overdue truths that had somehow evaded Alex’s no-bullshit policy. It spoke volumes on the desperation of both of their situations.

 

“And that’s the only reason for all of this, Alex, because you still hate me f-for Paris—” Her voice started quivering and Alex’s head whipped up as tears started streaming down Piper’s face. “And for bailing, for— yes, yes, you know it. For leaving you that day, even when you asked me not to, for leaving you the day Diane _died_.” Just as she finished, Alex let out a choked out sound that painfully resembled a sob and she stood up and crossed the room in three long strides, going to stand in front of her desk and placing her trembling hands on top, attempting to regain balance.

 

“Stop.”

 

“You can’t deny it. You can’t deny any of it, Alex.”

 

“I said, stop.”

 

“No. No, I want you to say it.” Piper said, as she watched her back to her, hands grasping the desk desperately. She wanted Alex to say it because she didn’t know if she’d have the strength to walk away after Alex asked her to stay. Not a second time, no. But she couldn’t stay when all she would be doing was ruining everything; she would ruin Aaron, she would ruin Alex again and in the process herself. Piper couldn’t lose everything all over again, not when she still loved Alex just as much and it still felt like their lives were in each other’s hands as they fumbled blindly to make it to the other side. Piper couldn’t risk everything _again_ when there was nothing left _to_ risk. It would ultimately destroy her.

 

But Alex always had a way of doing the exact opposite of what Piper wanted and forever managed to be what she needed. Alex always had a way of making the world collapse around her only to prove that it already had.

 

“I could never hate you. I love you.”

 

It was breathless and loud. It was hopeless and tearing and _wrong_ and it brought back air into Piper’s lungs. Alex was cleaning the debris. Maybe Alex found something salvageable.

 

When she turned around her eyes were searching and Piper knew that she was hoping she would say those words back but all that left her lips was, “I’m sorry.” And at first Alex’s face constricted like she’d received a blow but then Piper said it again, and again and again and there was a painful understanding replaced in her eyes as she took a deep breath and paced towards the bed.

 

“I’m sorry, Alex, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Alex sat beside her. Piper recoiled; fell on her side. “I’m sorry, I am so _fucking sorry_ every fucking day.” Alex lied on her side too and wrapped her arms around her shuddering body, leaning over her carefully, pushing the hair out of her face. “I’m sorry.” Piper caught her hand and held it against her cheek. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I know.” Breathed Alex against the back of her neck, embedding her understanding on her skin and all that mattered was that she _knew_.

 

“Good.”

 

Alex was just setting the foundations and Piper thought that maybe it would be better if they both worked on the rebuilding.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. These Bandages Won't Hold

 “Does it hurt?”

 

“No…just…maybe don’t put your arm like that…”

 

“Oh, sorry…”

 

“Thank you. Are you comfortable?”

 

“I’m good.”

 

“You’re not going to hurl this in my face in three more years?”

 

“I guess we’ll see then.”

 

“…Fine, then I’ll just move ov—”

 

“C’mere” … “Are you giggling? Are you also twelve?”

 

“Yeah, keep playing the aloof persona, Al. I’ve got you—”

 

“You do.”

 

“—all figured out. You’re such a sap.”

 

“Whatever.” … “Stop looking at me like that.”

 

“I like what you’ve done with the place.”

 

“No, you don’t.”

 

“… Okay, I hate it.”

 

“Kind of the reason I did it.”

 

“Your own spatial ‘fuck you’, huh?”

 

“It was that or selling it.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I know.” … “I’m sorry too.”

 

“You are?”

 

“…I am.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t hate me?”

 

“I’m sure, kid.”

 

“What time is it?”

 

And just like that, the spell was broken.

 

They had been lying in bed for _a_ _while_ now, re-accommodating themselves every few minutes, and the familiarity of their bodies moving accordingly had them in a daze for maybe more than they should have allowed themselves after everything that had come to light that night. Alex was the type of person that drops on bed and falls asleep at wish and she’d wake up in the exact same position. Piper on the other hand… was a bit messier. She could not, for the life of her, stay still for more than a few minutes which made Alex have to move too since they were completely tangled in each other.  And every single time they settled into a new position, Alex earnestly asked, _does it hurt?_ and Piper answered _no_ before shifting one last time. They had been talking; after Piper calmed down, first in whispered cut short words, nonsenses, anything to justify Alex’s roaming hands and Piper’s still running tears, and then slowly gaining confidence. And Alex did what she did best: managed to make Piper laugh. It was all in the sake of kicking aside subjects that were too hard to discuss right away, but the second that question left Piper’s lips, Alex knew they’d run out of time.

 

“You’re not going back to him.” It was authoritative and scared at the same time. They were facing each other now, Alex’s hand over Piper’s waist, the other under her chin, keeping her from turning away.

 

“I have to.” She attempted to pull away because she knew she could never make Alex understand but she found herself locked in her embrace. She had to remind herself that this was Alex in order to will her heart to slow down. “ _Alex.”_

_“_ You’re not leaving. I’m not letting you go back to him, Piper.” The fear in her tone remained; as if she knew she would not be able to keep Piper there by force of reason and the other option terrified her.

 

“Alex, I _have to_.” She struggled in her place. “What time is it? Alex, please stop.”

 

“Piper, look at me.”

 

“No, let me go, I have to go.”

 

“Pipes, I need you to look at me.” Nothing. She could see she was starting to panic. “You have to look at me. Piper, kid, come on.”

 

“What?” Even though she tried to sound challenging, it came out wavering and she clenched her teeth after. She needed to be strong, she needed to leave or Aaron would— he’d— Piper whimpered. It had taken so long for her to pull herself together and just manage to stop crying and here she was, losing control again. It scared her how easily she could feel herself unraveling under the tiniest of changes.

 

“Listen to me.” Once she had Piper’s attention again, she let her hand travel from her chin to her cheek gingerly but her words were fervent when she spoke. “You don’t have to go back. You don’t owe him anything. You can stay here. You can—”

 

“No, no. No, I can’t. I _have_ to go.” She repeated and she was shaking her head, her eyes already brimming with tears.

 

“Why?” The question made Piper stop. _Why?_  She never let herself wonder _why_ she was _in_ this. Most of the times, she didn’t dare. The rest of the time… it didn’t really matter.

 

"Because I... He... He  _needs_ me—" Alex scoffed. "He does, he..."

 

"What? He what?"

 

“He’s… all I have.” Saying those words brought the image of Aaron calling her _fucked up_ all that time ago. They still rang true and it was what kept them together because no matter what Aaron did, he was right about that. They had started their relationship fucked up and that fundamental basis had not changed. They deserved each other. They were all they had. And just like that time, the thought was wrecking.

 

“No, he’s—  _Piper._ ” Piper was shaking her head, pulling away, recoiling in bed but Alex wouldn’t let her go.

 

“Alex, stop, please stop.”

 

“No, Piper, this is important.” Piper finally stopped, on her back and eyes trained on the ceiling, tears spilling from the corner of her eyes and Alex stayed put, giving her space but fighting with herself in order to find the words that would make it alright, that would somehow get to her. When she spoke, Piper could hear her voice straining to reach to her and it made her turn her head slightly to catch her eyes. She had taken her glasses off and they were now resting in between them. “Listen to me, _we_ can _do_ this, okay? I will help you, he is not all you have anymore. Do you get that? He’s _not all you have anymore.”_

Piper felt her heart swell because Alex kept saying _we_ and she looked like she meant it and sometimes Piper really hated how honest Alex could be but in the end, it didn’t matter. Alex was caught up in wishful thinking, like this whole mess was something they could untangle themselves by simply running away. Or by simply wanting to. But Piper knew better. And this was all her. There was no _we_ in this disaster. And Piper could see the unavoidable fault line tasting like doom in her mouth when she began.

 

“And what do I have? You?” Alex opened her mouth to answer, looking so sure it might as well have ripped Piper’s heart in two. But then, the light in her eyes dimmed and Piper could see the certainty leave her eyes as she looked away, seemingly already knowing what was to come. Piper wondered for a second why she was doing this; trying to sever the last rope anyone would probably ever try to throw her but she ploughed on, and it didn’t really feel like anything belonged to her anymore. Not her mouth, not her body. It was all mechanics now, deadpanned words when she was screaming inside, unable to reach the surface. “What’s the plan? I go back to traveling the world with you? And we’re back where we were two years ago?” Alex let out a breath. She looked hurt. Still avoiding her eyes, she trained them on the wall behind Piper now; fingers carelessly scratching at the inside of her elbow. “You know that’s not going to work, Alex. I can’t go with you. And you’re not going to stay for me.”

 

After the last line faded in the air, Alex’s eyes fleetingly met Piper’s and it was only the remains of the wreckage now, lying between them. Alex looked like she wanted to refute that. But she couldn’t, of course she couldn’t, Piper knew that. Then she closed her eyes and when she opened them again, there was a new kind of resolve in them. She drew in a forced breath; let it out through clenched teeth.

 

“Okay.” She began with a small nod. “Okay, you’re right. But we don’t have to do that again and that doesn’t change what I just told you.”

 

“ _Alex.”_ Piper only half groaned. She attempted to get up but Alex put her hand on her arm. Softly, making sure Piper understood it was only a fleeting gesture. When Piper had settled back on the bed, she brushed her arm with her thumb mindlessly a few times before retreating again. The gesture didn’t match the fire in her eyes.

 

“It doesn’t. This goes _beyond_ you and me, Piper. I’m not asking you to stay because I want to live with you now and get back together. I’m not telling you to leave your boyfriend because I want you to be my girlfriend. I am _not_ doing this because I’m thinking about us, or whatever the fuck you think.” She was getting progressively angrier as she spoke and she pulled back even further in bed, setting more space between them; something Piper appreciated because the rise in her tone was making her heart beat faster. “Do you even understand what is going on with your life right now? Do you not see how wrong this is, Piper? Are you seriously that brainwashed?” Instead of letting her defenses shoot up immediately after an attack like that, Piper found herself keeping quiet. She couldn’t stop looking at Alex, speaking harsh words with so much worry in her eyes it was making Piper come undone. “I know that some part of you probably thinks you can fix him; that he just needs time, right? Love? Understanding? Or whatever fucked up thing you can come up with to justify this.” Her eyes traveled down her neck and Piper’s hand instinctively flew to hide the evidence but Alex stopped her.  “Maybe another part of you even thinks you deserve this.” Now, Piper closed her eyes and Alex prodded on, knowing right away she was right. “You do, don’t you?”

 

“Stop.”

 

“Do you think you deserve this, Piper? Do you think you can fix him? That if you just give him _everything_ he’ll change?”

 

“Alex…”

 

“Do you want to know how I know this? And I’ll give you a hint: it’s not thanks to how well I know you.” She said, letting the end of the sentence hang in a high pitched tone and ending it with a short, sarcastic laugh. Piper hated this Alex; the angry, mocking and truth shoving Alex. “It’s because it’s the most common story in the world. And literally every person in your position feels the same way. Because that’s what _abusers do,_ Piper.”

 

“Shut up.” She mumbled, wide eyed and hurt. She had started jabbing at her wrists, picking on her scabs, but Alex was not stopping, and she had sat up in bed, looking down on her as she kept going with a fiery tone that was burning Piper to the core.

 

“They tie you to them with threats and _I’ll change_ promises and then they make you feel guilty for whatever you supposedly did to make them hurt you. Does that sound familiar, Piper?” She continued condescendingly and Piper lost it.

 

“I said shut. Up!” She shot up and yelled it in her face, only to let her legs fall to the other side of the bed and standing up, frenzied and shaking and it happened too fast for Alex to react; but then she was on her feet too and she had caught up with her in a flash. Piper spun around the second she felt Alex’s hand on her shoulder and her eyes were pure desperation, spitting angry words with so much fury she could hear the reverberation in the apartment. Only then did she realize she was crying. “I told you to shut up and I am done, and you better leave me the _fuck_ alone because you don’t understand anything and I _hate_ you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” Alex wrapped her arms around her, and Piper was gasping for air as she clenched her fists around a fistful of her clothes, pulling, tugging; away, closer, away, closer, closer, closer.

 

“You don’t, you don’t hate me and I’m sorry, Piper I’m so sorry.”

 

"He's going to find me, Alex he's going to hurt you—"

 

“He won’t, he won’t find you, you never have to see him again, okay? He’s never going to touch you again, Piper.” She was wetting Alex’s collarbone but she couldn’t stop shaking and she was afraid she’d crumble if Alex let her go. Eventually, Alex dragged them back to bed and Piper fell asleep with the dampness of her own tears in her face and the echo of Alex’s words: _You’re going to be okay._

.

 

She was woken up by the ring of her cellphone. She jumped up, gasping.

 

“Alex.” She could glimpse daylight through the curtains and she knew with a blow to her stomach that it was already too late. There was no going back. Piper didn’t know whether to be terrified or relieved. She settled for a sweltering fear.

 

“Shh, it’s okay.”

 

“No, no, that’s Aaron, he’s… he’ll…” But Alex kissed her forehead before standing up and going for the entrance of the bedroom, where Piper had dropped her purse. She took her cellphone out. Piper watched, too petrified in bed to say or do anything but when she felt the weight of Alex’s body next to her again, she whispered, looking straight ahead. “What did you do? Were there any messages? He’s going to keep calling, Alex, he’s not going to—”

 

“It’s all good.” She soothed her. “I turned it off until we figure out what to do, okay?” Alex eased her down, against her neck again and brushed her hair until she faded away.

 

.

 

When she woke up again, the curtains were drawn and the sunlight looked like mid afternoon. Piper couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept in this late and her body felt heavy and loose as she shifted a little to the side in bed. Right next to her was Alex, awake. Except she looked a bit troubled. She was on her back, on the other side of the bed as if she’d been trying to get as far away as possible and her breathing was slightly labored, her hands scratching at the insides of her elbows. Piper sat up and she was speaking before she even had time to register anything besides the discomfort in her face.

 

“What? What happened?” Alex jumped and whipped her head to the side, pushing the sleeves of her t-shirt down hurriedly and turning to face Piper with a barely suppressed fear in her face until Piper’s next words left her mouth and then she rubbed a hand down her face, as if attempting to clear up. “Is it Aaron? Is he here? Did he call? Did he find us?”

 

“No, no. No, Pipes, no.” She inched closer in bed and ran a reassuring but somehow clumsy hand down her arm. “I turned off your phone, remember? We’re good. Are you hungry? Do you want breakfast? I’ll go… make something. Be right back.” She almost stuttered those words out and Piper watched as Alex stood up and walked rather stiffly out of the room. There was this certain heaviness to the way she moved and when she had put her hand on Piper’s arm, her hand had felt sweaty.  Piper fell back on her back, put her arm over her face, sighed, shook her head. _There’s something wrong._

 

Was she re-thinking letting Piper stay here? Was she regretting her decision to help? Had something happened? But to be honest, Piper didn’t even dare get up to check her phone. She was terrified to ask.  And the selfish, cowardly part of herself just wanted to let Alex take care of this. Take care of Aaron, and them and Piper. Let her handle everything because Piper had no idea how to do it. So instead of doing the right thing which would probably be to get up and ask Alex up front what was the matter, she lied there, listening to the sounds coming from the kitchen, warning her of the comforting presence of Alex. Making breakfast. Taking care of her. So, so familiar.

 

She had so many memories here, right in this bedroom although most of the elements that once belonged here were gone. There used to be light red curtains and the sun would cut through the room with this hazed fiery vibrancy and it always made the mornings warm and trancelike but now they’d been changed for black ones. Piper could imagine why although it still made an aching weight settle at the pit of her stomach.

 

There was a light post right outside Alex’s apartment that Piper hated at first because she liked darkness when she slept but she also hated dark curtains so in the end, she’d sacrificed the curtains, much to Alex’s distaste. But it was safe to say, Piper was the one that suffered the most with the change. Alex never had that much trouble falling asleep pretty much anywhere and at any time, meanwhile Piper was a picky one. She needed the appropriate setting and so that led into almost every night for the first few weeks of her thrashing frustratedly in bed, putting pillows and sheets over her head until she ran out of breath. But then… she’d realized it also allowed for her to see Alex sleeping next to her, discern her face through the shadows and it calmed her. She always fell asleep watching her; that was one of the first things that changed when things started to fall apart, with Alex getting home so late Piper couldn’t wait up. She kept the habit of sleeping with the shades drawn in hotels and after she left her, nights came with a difficult decision; keeping the shades drawn, watching the empty space next to her body or lying in utter darkness, unable to sleep because _it was just so dark_. Eventually, she’d settled for darkness. It was a lot easier to make believe you weren’t actually alone if you couldn’t see the loneliness creeping up from her side of the bed.

 

But there were also other small things that’d changed. The duvet of the bed was now burgundy instead of the soft lavender Piper had chosen. Even Alex’s stuff had changed; there was no green, elaborated lamp on her nightstand now, but a white common one and she’d changed the bed, replacing the posts and its bonds with a high, wood-like headrest. It made the scene look completely different. And just then Alex walked in with a tray in her somewhat shaky hands but with a smile as familiar as breathing. A smile for Piper. Piper sat up in bed.

 

“Hey.” She said, hopeful.

 

“Hi.” Answered Alex with maybe an overly cheerful tone; especially for her, but Piper didn’t mind because it was all she wanted. Alex knew exactly when to give reassurance. And Piper could do nothing but take it.

 

She set the tray on the bed and sat down on the edge, her back slightly to Piper as she ran her hands down her thighs before taking a deep breath and accommodating further onto the bed, next to Piper, who smiled at her, relieved.

 

“Thanks for breakfast.” She said rather shyly, shoving a toast in her mouth and humming. Alex nodded distractedly with a fleeting smile and Piper tried not to dwell on all of the things that could be wrong as she munched on her breakfast, taking short sips of coffee and keeping her eyes trained on a lose thread on the duvet. They were silent for a while and from the corner of her eye she could see Alex was restless, forcefully running her fingernails down her arms from over her long sleeve t-shirt— Piper couldn’t remember ever seeing Alex with long sleeves; she was more of the ‘rather be cold and cool than over-dressed’; and it made her feel even more uncomfortable and she didn’t know why. There was just something about the image. But then, a thought crossed her mind and she froze.

 

“Oh, god, Alex.”

 

She jumped. She was already on edge when she asked, hurriedly. "What? What?"

“I don’t have anything. I don’t have any clothes, I don’t have any money, and it’s just the beginning of the month, I don’t get paid until the 25th what am I supposed to do?” Alex seemed to relax momentarily, like she’d been expecting something else but then she frowned and shook her head as if what Piper had said didn’t make any sense at all. She opened her mouth and then closed it and then shook her head again. Finally she decided on how to start.

 

“Why don’t you have any money if you get paid the 25’s?” Piper blushed and looked away.

 

“Aaron… _asked me_ to put my money in a jar so we could both use it at anytime we… needed it.” A shadow passed over Alex’s eyes and then she asked coldly.

 

“Didn’t he work?” And Piper felt immediately defensive.

 

“He was a writer. He _is_ a writer.” Alex rolled her eyes and Piper frowned. “What’s wrong with you?” Alex scoffed.

 

“What’s wrong with _me?”_ Piper pulled back, confused and hurt with her attitude and Alex’s eyes softened right away. She clenched her fists, ran a hand through her hair. “Piper.” She started and it was slightly exasperated. “You know you can’t go back to your old job, right?”

 

“What?” Piper’s eyebrows drew together and Alex sighed and moved closer to her, setting the tray aside.

 

“That’s the first place he’ll look. You can’t go back there. Not tonight at least...not for a while.” Piper widened her eyes, irrational contradiction bubbling out of her as she shook her head.

 

“No, no, Alex it’s my job, I can’t just quit.” She was practically pleading and there was this raw pain in her voice that had Alex swallowing and keeping quiet for a second. It was ridiculous, Piper knew. Her job wasn’t that important, it was just a job, a waitressing job that she could get anywhere else but it somehow felt like the last and maybe only thing that actually belonged to her, that was all _hers_ and it was being taken away. It was right at that moment when it utterly dawned on Piper how _lost_ she was. “I don’t have anything else.” She said in a small voice, a painful realization tainting her words. “I don’t have anything.”

 

When Alex spoke again, she did so with regret, as if she felt bad for her reaction earlier and Piper thought about how unstable they _both_ were.

 

“Listen. You can stay here, I’ll give you money, you can buy new clothes and you can start sending resumes tomorrow if you want. You’ll get a new job, one where you can be safe, okay?” Piper nodded but she wouldn’t meet Alex’s eyes. She turned to her side and after a moment of hesitation, threw her legs off the side of the bed and stood up. “Where are you going?”

 

 

“Can I take a shower?” She asked in a tired voice.

 

“Yes, of course.” Piper stopped at the entrance of the bathroom door.

 

“Can I borrow a t-shirt? I don’t want to… wear the same thing all day.” Alex walked up to her closet immediately, her back to Piper as she mumbled an insecure _sure,_ clueless for a second as to how to act around Piper. “If you could…give me one with long sleeves?” Alex stopped and turned her face to roam her eyes over Piper’s covered arms. There was sadness in her eyes. She hadn’t seen the bruises on her arms, didn’t know they were there too.

 

“You don’t have to hide, Pipes.”

 

“I don’t like it when you look at them.” Alex turned her head again, facing the wall this time and scratched the crook of her elbow. She let out a forceful breath.

 

“I know they’re there. It doesn’t make any difference.” It came out rougher than Piper expected but then she repeated, softer and apologetic as she searched in her drawer for a shirt, “and you don’t have to hide.” She turned around and walked up to her, handing Piper a balled up t-shirt and Piper noticed relieved that it had long sleeves.

 

“Thank you.” Alex fumbled for a smile.

 

“Take as long as you want.”

 

.

 

Piper did take her time. Even though she’d washed her hair the night before she stood smiling to herself under the spray of water. It felt like mercy. She took Alex’s shampoo again and her hair conditioner and then rubbed soap all over her body with her sponge. It was all Alex’s but they were on her skin too and it made her feel better. After a while, she kneeled down in the shower and rested her back against one side, facing the curtain as water rained on her knees, holding them with her arms wrapped around herself. Piper felt tired. Piper felt sad. Piper felt lost. And she was confused because Alex was acting strange and there was something wrong with her but Piper also felt useless and what could she possibly do for Alex in the state she was in? She couldn’t even hold her own. She thought about the turned off cellphone outside, ringing with a hundred calls and messages when she finally gathered up the courage to turn it back on.

 

And with a wide eyed, breathless realization, it just then it occurred to her…that she didn’t have to. She could just throw it away, get a new cellphone, but it somehow felt like such an irrational thought; to ditch her cellphone felt like ditching Aaron and Piper wasn’t sure she could do that yet, despite Alex’s attempts and attentiveness, so glaringly different from Aaron’s treatment. The thing Alex didn’t seem to get, though, was that Aaron was not extractable from Piper’s life. He had set his claws on her mind and more literally, her body, and they kept clawing there, tearing her fleeting decisions apart and keeping a dead set weight on her chest. Piper was still immobilized. She was going through the motions, following Alex’s lead and her trail of hopefulness and wants but they seemed to be wavering now and the shortness of their duration was hitting Piper harder than their absence. She was still waiting for the reaction. She didn’t know if this change would spur her into action or just further paralyze her.

 

She stepped out of the shower shivering but just as she was wrapping the towel around her she heard the faint sound of a door closing and suddenly she couldn’t breathe. An unreasonable fear settled in her heart and she fumbled with the doorknob, her slippery hand costing her a few precious seconds before she stumbled out of the bathroom.

 

"Alex? Alex!"

 

“Woah.” She heard her call out as their bodies collided right at the entrance of her bedroom and she managed to grab Piper before she fell. And then she was running her hands down her arms, eyes worried and searching. “What, what? Are you okay? What happened?”

 

“I— I thought—” She was breathing heavily and her forehead was creased, as if she was confused by her reaction. She swallowed visibly, drew in a breath.

 

"What, Pipes?" 

“I thought you had left.” She said in a small voice. The _me_ was left unspoken but loudly echoing in the air between them. Alex’s whole face shifted with surprise and sadness and it suddenly hit Piper that she’d never before been so afraid of something and Alex could probably see that. Alex could always see things. She let out a sigh as if she should have known, and gently wrapped her arms around her. Piper didn’t move, didn’t hug her back instead choosing to keep still, less because she was holding her towel and more because she needed to feel surrounded by something that didn’t feel in any way threatening. Alex’s hug was just loving.

 

When she pulled back, her eyes widened briefly as they roamed down her arms and Piper wrapped the towel tighter against her body, shielding herself; but Alex didn’t say anything.

 

“Come on.” She guided her to the couch and made her sit next to a black plastic bag before resting back and grabbing her hand to play with her fingers, eyes training on Piper’s. “I did leave.” She said, loosely, and Piper tensed but Alex didn’t comment on it as she kept going. “I got you something.” She stretched over Piper to grab the bag behind her and Piper breathed in the smell of her hair greedily. Alex handed her the bag and Piper glanced inside before looking back up at Alex disbelievingly. Confused. Delightedly surprised. And even though it took her more than a few moments to first acknowledge what was inside, after her heart finally calmed down, and to then manage to let her lips form a shy smile, it was like everything else faded away when Alex granted with her first honest smile all day.

 

Because sometimes it’s just as easy as that.

 

“You didn’t.”

 

 

Alex’s smile turned into a playful smirk and Piper wanted to cry.

 

“I did.”

 

“You’re the worst.” Alex smirk widened and then she took a wet strand of Piper’s hair between her fingers as Piper pulled out of the bag a white panty with pink edges and a cat on the front. When she noticed the word _Purrr_ on the back, she gasped and Alex burst out laughing. “Fuck you.”

 

“Aw, come on, Pipes. It’s cute. Look at that cat, it’s smiling.” She said, voice thick with laughter and Piper threw it at her face.

 

“You asshole. You couldn’t get me something normal? For fuck’s sake, Alex.” But despite the scowl on her face, she was laughing too and Alex tucked the strand of hair she’d been worrying between her fingers behind her ear, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

 

“Look inside. I got you _boring_ ones too.” Piper bit her lip, holding back her laughter as she emptied the bag on the space between them. There were three standard colored t-shirts with long sleeves and a bunch of panties as well, everything generic and so very clearly from a supermarket but Piper felt so grateful tears were brimming on her eyes when she looked up.

 

“Thank you.” She said, sniffling. Alex laughed.

 

“All that money I spent on gifts and dinners and all I had to do was give you underwear.”

 

.

 

Alex was restless. Alex seemed irritated by everything. Alex was keeping an awful distance from Piper.

 

It was like she was struggling with something and Piper was getting more worried by the second but it also scared her. Alex’s mood shifted in flashes; one second she snapped at Piper or she threw aside whatever she was holding and the next she was shaking her head and running her hand down her face as she murmured stuttered apologies. Alex looked feverish and every time Piper spotted her from another room she saw her scratching at her arms roughly before she noticed she was watching and then she stopped, gave her a guilty look and a frown before turning around and marching off to somewhere else. Piper didn’t know what to do and she was starting to lose it, on edge, on edge, on edge; she could feel the fear settling in her stomach and her hands slightly shaking because this felt like the times right before _he_ exploded and Piper wasn’t ready for this; a part of her mockingly asking _did you really think you’d get away that easily?_

But somewhere along the day, after lunch— a quick meal, an awkward, stilted conversation— Piper managed to find herself in bed, running a soothing hand down Alex’s hair. She wondered when the roles had reversed and most of all, _why_. They were talking, about nothing in particular and Alex even granted Piper with laughter for a while. Her arm threaded around Piper’s waist, one of them or maybe both, pushed closer at some point and then they were only a breath away, talking faint and soft, again immersed in that bubble that shielded them from their circumstances.

 

Until the itching came back.

 

“I’m going to…go do that thing…” Alex said as she tried to pull back but Piper held onto her hand.

 

“What thing?” The hand that had been brushing Piper’s cheek went over to the inside of Alex’s elbow to fleetingly scratch, as if Piper hadn’t seen her at least twenty times only today.

 

“A thing. From…from work.”

 

“Alex.”

 

“ _What?”_ She snapped immediately, not even letting Piper say what she wanted, already aware and tired of the questions coming. Piper jumped. She ducked her head, embarrassed and the moment stilled.

 

“You’re scaring me.” Alex drew in a sharp intake of breath.

 

“Pipes…” Piper wasn’t looking at her but she saw her hand lifting to her face and she closed her eyes in a wince. Alex’s hand never landed. “Okay.” It was wavering. “Okay.” Anxious. “I need to tell you something.” Piper frowned, looked up but Alex was retreating, shaking her head and putting space between them. “I need to tell you something.” She repeated. She was looking at the ceiling and her forehead was glistening with sweat. She lifted a hand to scrape her fingernails down her neck. A nervous gesture. “But I need you to promise me you’re not going to run, okay?” Now she turned to glance at Piper, fixing on her a serious, intense and more than slightly desperate look.

 

Piper only nodded, scared with her fierceness, the bluntness in her words.

 

Alex sucked in a breath, looked away and cleared her throat.

 

“I’m doing heroin.” Silence. “I mean, I’ve been shooting for… I don’t know how long. It was just for when things got a bit too much. It was just to have fun. But you know how it is.” She let out a wry, short laugh and glanced at her, eyes widening in fear off Piper’s   ghastly blank face before looking away. The world was collapsing all over again. Piper wasn’t sure she’d manage to come on top this time. How was she supposed to avoid the wreckage falling all around her? Alex was speaking faster every second, as if she was running against a ticking clock. “It’s not like I’m out of control, either, I still do it for mostly fun. But now it’s been three days and I was waiting, I was going to wait until tonight, when you were asleep—” Piper closed her eyes shut, rolled onto her back and threw her arm over her face and Alex sped up. “It’s just that when I start going through withdrawal it’s shitty, okay? I’m just moody, Pipes, I didn’t mean to—I’ll be back to normal after a shot.” Piper let out an angry breath and Alex kept going, frantic. “ _Fuck_ , Piper, I know I should have told you sooner, okay? I should have told you before bringing you here, I should have told you when I realized things were bad for you, I—”

 

“You could have told me when I told you.”

 

“I— I wanted to make you feel better, how was telling you going to do that?” She said slowly, in a sad voice and Piper threw her legs over the side of the bed and sat. She buried her face in her hands. “Piper…it’s nothing, it’s just…”

 

“It’s _heroin,_ Alex. Heroin.”

 

“I don’t want you to be scared of me.” A small fragile voice and then, hopeful. “I’ll shoot some, spend a few hours spaced out and then I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. I promise.” And Piper gritted her teeth.

 

“You’ll shoot _some_? A few _hours spaced out?_ ” It sounded like it was nothing, as if it was routine and the weight in her chest was solidifying because Alex was _a junkie_ and Piper couldn’t shake the fear setting in her bones with that information, but Alex didn’t seem to realize the damage or the danger. “Alex…” She turned her head to look at her and she found her with her eyes closed and gritting her teeth as she scratched over her t-shirt again and finally _finally_ everything clashed together in her head. The smells, the itching, it was _drugs_. Piper had seen that, she had smelt that numerous times while traveling with Alex; she’d seen the hollow eyes and the incessant, painful scratching, the scabs, the burn out smell in every messy dirty place and she’d manage to keep that image aside from Alex’s because the number of times she’d been with Alex to those places were nothing compared to all of the times Alex took her to beautiful, gorgeous ones. But now, she could see it. The need in her eyes. She remembered the metal box Alex had freaked out over, that night. Only from Piper touching it. And then, another image; her doctor talking about the overdosed patient, threatening to sue if they didn’t let her out. Alex in a hospital, cheeks hollow, dark bags under her eyes. “You overdosed.”

 

Alex cracked her eyes open for a second before closing them again and wincing. “Once.” She kept scratching from over her t-shirt and Piper couldn’t help thinking how unfulfilling that must be, until it occurred to her why she wouldn’t just push her sleeves up.

 

She stood up from the bed and Alex, sensing the shift, shot up.

 

“Where are you going? Piper, where are you going?” Piper walked around the bed until she was in front of her and she took one of her hands and tugged. Alex stood up, trembling. Piper began pushing her sleeves up. Alex resisted only once and then she just stood still, as Piper revealed the insides of her elbows, little black dots all over her pale, reddened skin, and in some parts, even bleeding. It made Piper’s knees weak. She let her fingers ghost over the wounds, scared to touch, and she swallowed. When she was finally capable of meeting her eyes, she lifted her gaze. Alex was feverish and wide-eyed; eyes loudly asking for something and it struck a cord inside Piper’s chest. It was her choice. Alex so very badly needed her but she was giving her a choice.

 

“Where are they?” Was the first thing that left her lips in a while. Alex sighed, relieved and then hurried to a backpack, leaned against the wall right at the entrance of the bedroom and pulling from inside a tiny baggie with white powder inside. “Is that all you have?” Alex’s eyes were greedily taking in the sight but she nodded and then shrugged.

 

“It’s enough for now.”

 

“Okay.” Piper walked up to her and took the bag from her hands.

 

“What are you doing?” She then walked to the bathroom, Alex hot on her heels, and when she was inside, she quickly ripped a hole in the back and threw it inside the toilet. “Wh— _Piper, what the_ _fuck?!”_ Alex lurched forward and Piper jumped aside but it was useless. The drug was gone. She spun around, enraged, hands at the top of her head, pulling her hair roughly but Piper had retreated until her back hit the wall and when Alex saw her she stopped.

 

“Do you think you’ll hurt me?” Piper didn’t sound scared; only curious. As if Alex not hitting her was only a bonus she wasn’t expecting on getting. All of the rage seemed to drain from Alex’s face instantly and then she staggered back, her back hitting the sink and she put a hand there to balance herself.

 

“No. No, I won’t.”

 

“Okay then.” Alex was shaking, roughly rubbing her face, her arms, her neck, anything that felt like relief. Piper had been there. Piper understood. But still. “I can’t watch you do this. I can’t watch you self-destruct like this.”

 

“Are you leaving?”

 

“Do you think we can do this?”

 

“…I don’t know.”

 

“You have to quit. If I’m staying, you have to quit, Alex.”

 

Her face constricted; she ran a hand down her face. “I know.”

 

She looked weak, fragile enough to be blown away and suddenly Piper was next to her, brushing her hair away from her face.

 

“We can do this.” She said now; stronger, certain. “I will help you.” She pressed their foreheads together, very much aware of Alex’s still closed eyes, of Alex’s insecurity, of the answer still trapped behind her teeth. Piper thought she could get it out. And if she couldn’t, it was still worth it.

 

She kissed her. So soft it was a barely-there kiss; only the ghost of a kiss drawing from deep within themselves the sweet taste of _them_. And it was short and only a peck, only a brush, nothing more than that, just a _taste_. But it was wrecking. It was dizzying and earth-shattering and when Piper ended it and attempted to pull away, Alex physically followed, not touching their lips again but pressing her forehead against Piper’s; not daring to pull away completely. Alex sighed and her breath tingled against Piper’s nose, making a shiver run down her spine. She was breathless, eyes still closed but from that post kiss haze now and Piper realized she couldn’t leave her. She couldn’t just walk away when Alex needed her this much again. There was an invisible thread, joining them together and Piper knew that even if she left now, they’d meet again. It was inevitable. _They_ were.

 

But no. She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

 

Piper trailed her hand down Alex’s arm soothingly and then linked her hand with hers. She spoke against her lips.

 

“We can do this, Al.” She repeated. And then, “I’m not leaving.” Alex opened her eyes. “I’m here.”

 

And finally, a _we_ that felt real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Clinging To A Little Bit Of Spine

It was when Piper knew what it all meant that she was able to connect everything in her brain. And it was just so _obvious_ but truth was, she never really expected this of _her._

 

She told Alex to go to bed and after a still second, she conceded. Piper left her there as she slipped into the kitchen to make her some tea. She needed time to recompose herself because _yes,_ she was staying, there was no doubt, but things had changed. When she entertained the idea of staying before, she looked at it as the easy way out. Stay with Alex, safe, cocooned, protected; leave Aaron behind, never look back, let him fade along with the bruises he’d imprinted on her skin. That was the deal Alex was offering before. That was what Piper _saw._ That must have been what Alex saw too. But now…that wasn’t it at all.

 

Alex was a _junkie._ Alex was not in control. And it was just in Alex’s nature to desperately hold on to the notion of power, to the idea that, she was _never_ not in control. Maybe it was the denying that made it all the more scary to Piper. She wasn’t a stranger to denial and drug use, after all.

 

Thing was, she was still at war with herself for _leaving him_. She was still fathoming the idea of not seeing him, ever again and it was just so out of the blue, Piper wasn’t even sure this was real. But it had to be, because Alex was waiting for her and there were still drugs in between them but now Piper had to step up. She needed to make Alex some tea, she needed to pull herself together, she needed to stop thinking about Aaron and his anger, about Aaron and his promises, about Aaron and his _sadness_ and especiallyabout _him_ and his eyes when he apologized for drinking, for beating her, for not being better.

 

 But she just felt so dizzyingly over her head. Which was ridiculous, really. Poison was still poison. Her mind still never stopped thinking about hers for too long.

 

When Piper had quit…it had been awful. It had been scary and it had been lonely. Piper remembered the thirst. The haze in which the days seemed to go by at first; how long that lasted, how desperate she was. Never enough, never enough, nothing was ever enough for her. She remembered the way her throat felt; tight, itching, _raw_. She could still feel that when she thought about it too hard; the need never straying too far from her memories. She remembered days full of crying, of hitting things; she remembered her cracked, bloody knuckles all too well and the stain on the wall. Aaron hadn’t liked that. Aaron hadn’t liked any of it.

 

Piper remembered the loneliness, above all.

 

It was bad, it was bad, Piper was starting to hyperventilate; her breathing coming out in ragged breaths and she clumsily opened a kitchen drawer. Only to do something, only to make noise because she didn’t want Alex to hear her from the bedroom and she got lucky. Inside she found the cutlery. She began moving it, from one side to the other, until in her daze, one thing caught her attention. She stopped her hand, breathing still forced, and took one spoon out of the drawer, lifting it to her face for inspection.

 

What was supposed to be a silver curve was brown; burned. She looked down and spotted another one. And another one. Three, four, six, eight; she took them all out, inspected every single spoon, every single knife, every single fork, just _because_ , and then opened the rest of the drawers, spoons still in hand, searching for _more._ She found a couple of needles in the bottom drawer and she shivered as took them out too. She was frenzied, chest heaving, and she began walking around the living room, and now she was on a mission looking wildly around herself. _What else, what else, there has to be mo—_ she stopped in the middle of the room, between the couch and the coffee table. Against the dark carpet, a shiny and silver spot caught her eye. She bent down pressing the needles and spoons against her chest and plucked it up between her thumb and her index. Aluminum foil. She swallowed. She knew what that was for.

 

Piper ran back to the kitchen and took out a trash plastic bag from a drawer, shoving everything inside, and then hurried back into the living room. Trash bag in hand, she kneeled down on the carpet and started picking up every tiny piece of foil she could find—a ridiculous endeavor, one part of her knew, since there were practically none but she was _helping_ and it was helping _her_ — frantically searching, still gasping for air and moving only an inch per minute, terrified to miss anything. It wasn’t until a pair of arms wound around her middle that she stopped. She froze. Her left hand was closed around the trash bag.

 

“Piper, what are you doing?” By the cautious softness in her voice she instinctively knew Alex had been talking to her for a while and she felt embarrassed all of a sudden. She was supposed to make _tea_. Piper lifted a hand and rubbed her sweaty forehead before letting it wind through her hair in a self-soothing gesture. Then, she shrugged dismissively and placed her hand back on the carpet so that Alex wouldn’t notice the shaking. She talked in an almost whisper to avoid the quivering.

 

“I was cleaning up.” Alex tugged and Piper sat back on her heels, not daring look her way.

 

“What happened?” She was brushing back her hair and without even meaning to, Piper began leaning further back, against her.

 

“Nothing.” Alex sighed and Piper winced. “Just go rest, I was waiting for the water to boil, I’ll make you some tea.”

 

“Pipes, come on.”

 

“I was cleaning up.” She repeated and the anxiousness was coming back full force because half truths were dangerous and Alex never stopped _asking._ “Go. I’ll be right there.” She recomposed herself, moving onto her knees again to keep looking for foil.

 

“Kid, you can—”

 

“I can talk to you, I know.” She meant that to come out soft and reassuring but all she managed was to sound frustrated. When she glanced behind her, Alex was giving her this worried look that had her forehead creasing in uneasiness and then Piper spilled, only to make sense, “I found the burnt spoons and then needles and these tiny pieces of fucking aluminum foil on the carpet.” Alex’s face scrunched up in even more confusion and Piper continued, “I know how to do this, Alex, I just need—” She had to stop for a second to breathe. “Look. Let me finish this and I’ll be right with you.” Alex shook her head and Piper’s hands clenched around the trash bag.

 

“Piper, come here, let’s go.”

 

“Alex, just go.” She was still on a mission.

 

“Piper…” She lifted her gaze and trained her eyes on Alex’s, pleading.

 

“Please just give me a second.” Alex opened her mouth like she wanted to say something but nothing came out and Piper kept going, because she needed Alex to understand that she needed this, she needed her to understand how much she needed just a _second_. “I’m going to clean up because this place is a mess and I’m going to throw away everything drug related—” Alex looked away. “And then I’ll make you some tea and then maybe we’ll talk. Okay?”

 

Alex looked helpless for a second. She stood up. Left the room.

 

Piper sat back for a moment, relieved. Then, she went into overdrive. This was what she needed to do, this would help Alex, this would _help_ and so within the next hour, she vacuumed every single corner, dusted off every single surface, and threw every single item that even looked like it had been burnt. She got rid of everything. And then she stood, feeling proud and useful in the middle of the living room. Feeling like she could _breathe_ again.

 

When she walked back into Alex’s bedroom, she carried a cup of tea. Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. She jumped when Piper walked past her.

 

“Here. How are you feeling?”

 

Alex smiled weakly. “Good. Thank you.” She took the cup and held it between her hands, as if she needed the warmth, and she kept her eyes glued to it as she talked. “Everything okay?”

 

Piper felt good when she answered. “Yep. I cleaned your living room. Took out the trash.” She informed proudly, offering Alex a toothy grin.

 

“That’s…nice. Thank you.” She repeated, eyes training on her smile for a second and lips almost tugging up, a smile threatening to spill but then she looked back down and Piper frowned. When Alex spoke again she did so in a deadpan and Piper’s body tensed up at her words.

 

“I did something.”

 

“What? What do you mean?” Her mind immediately went to drugs but no, that was impossible. She looked around anyway, some part of her wildly expecting to find shiny bastard spots on the floor to blame them on whatever Alex had done; but instead, she found her cellphone, right next to Alex’s knee. Her gaze flicked to her face, hidden by her hair. “Why is my cellphone there? _”_ Her voice was tight and on edge, and just the thought of Alex reading what Piper was sure must have been a hundred of Aaron’s text messages, getting progressively angrier as she had witnessed first hand, made her cheeks burn.

 

But Alexhad other plans on her mind.

 

“I…called Polly. I told her. Everything. Including…me.”

 

Piper’s whole body went slack with panic.

 

“You…what? What?” She lurched forward and grabbed her phone as if she could erase Alex’s _fuck up_ —because it couldn’t be _anything else—_ by gripping it tightly enough. Alex slowly put the cup back on the nightstand before heaving a sigh and running a hand through her hair only to let it fall on the crook of her elbow, scratching anxiously again.

 

“I’m sorry.” There was desperation tinging her words mixed with an imposed forcefulness, as if she wasn’t really sorry, as if she was trying not to be sorry, but Piper couldn’t think about that when it felt like everything was rushing at a dizzying speed. Polly was _never_ supposed to know. And asides from not understanding _why_ Alex would tell her, this spiraling sense of betrayal was irrationally setting in her heart.

 

“What do you mean you’re _sorry,_ Alex? Alex?” Alex looked up and her eyes widened slightly before she squared her jaw. Piper was clenching her fist around her cellphone, shaking her head, not wanting to believe Polly knew the most darkest secret she’d never wanted to share. “ _Alex.”_ She said again. She couldn’t find the words to wrap her head around this. “Why—how could you tell her, you had _no right_ to—”

 

“Pipes. She’s your best friend, isn’t she? She’s going to help. I explained the whole situation to her. She told me she was worried sick because—” She pursed her lips before drawing in a breath and continuing. “ _He_ started calling her when he couldn’t…reach you.” Piper flinched, Alex pretended she didn’t see. “And then she couldn’t reach you. She’s” She swallowed. “…she’s coming over.” Her voice lowered at that last sentence, same as her head as she studied her hands before she looked up again, lips pursed, resolution in her voice and pleading in her eyes. “Now. She said you could stay with her.” When Piper’s shocked expression gave way to immediate hurt, Alex’s gaze flickered away.

 

“Wh— what? Why?” She unfolded her arms, took a half step forward, reaching, but Alex didn’t react. “Stay with her? I’m not leaving you.”

 

“Piper…”

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Her voice was small and scared and Piper was once again reminded of her instability because as much as she hated doubting everything, she couldn’t help but feel like she was too out of control to really have anything.

 

But Alex responded briefly and roughly, as if mad she even had to explain that. Or maybe mad she believed those words to be true. “Polly can take better care of you.”

 

“I don’t want—” She interrupted herself, sniffling loudly before folding her arms against her chest, defensive. “Is this because I lost it a while ago?” Alex began shaking her head and Piper started again, her words leaving her mouth in a gasp, desperately trying to make sense to her, to _prove_ that she had this. “Alex, I _know this._ If you don’t have anything to remind you of it it’ll be easier for you, trust me _,_ I promise I can _help.”_

 

“I know you can.” She responded, tender and reassuring. “But it’s not that, kid.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“You’ll be better off with Polly, Piper.” Alex looked defeated. “You need the support system—”

 

“I don’t want t—”

 

“—and you _don’t_ need to be taking care of someone _else_ right now.”

 

“I thought we were doing this together.”

 

Alex let out a staggering breath and then she stood up, pacing over to Piper cautiously until she reached her, fingers gingerly tucking strands of blonde hair behind her ear.

 

“This doesn’t mean I’m giving up; it doesn’t mean I don’t want this, or _you_ here. Of course I do, I—” She lifted her hands and cupped Piper’s cheeks, bringing her closer, pressing their foreheads together. There was a slight pout on her face and Alex almost smiled despite the weight of the moment because that was just so _Piper_ and _fuck_ , she’d even missed their fights. “I’m starting to go through withdrawal and it’s not pretty, Piper, it’s not pretty at all.” At that, Piper frowned and she pushed Alex’s hands away.

 

“I _know_ that.”

 

“I know you do.” She answered immediately, pacifying. “But I know this too, Piper. You don’t need this now.”

 

“You don’t know it like I do. Not yet.” Alex sighed. She took a step forward and cupped her cheek with one hand this time, while she interlaced the other with Piper’s and she squeezed.

 

“I know you want to help.” Piper attempted to pull away but this time, Alex kept her fingers firm under her chin. “But it’s not the right time. And yes, okay, it is because of what happened a while ago.” Piper froze. “But Pipes, you know where that came from.” Piper began shaking her head until she finally met Alex’s eyes and then she went still again, sad eyes meeting sad eyes.

 

“I can do this, Alex, sometimes I just need a second—”

 

“You’re getting all the seconds you want.” Whispered Alex, letting go of her hand and turning around to grab her cup of tea. Piper was about to protest, keep on fighting because she wasn’t letting this happen, when there was a knock on the door and suddenly the weight in her stomach felt like too much to move. When Alex noticed, she sighed, placed her tea back on the nightstand and arched her eyebrows, questioningly. Piper didn’t move. “Piper, it’s Ho— Polly. She’s here for you.”

 

“I…I told her to never call me again.” Now, Alex frowned, confused.

 

“Why?”

 

“She…called Aaron a drunk. He and Pete were hanging out and she told Pete not to go out with him anymore. Aaron…he almost…made me pay for that.” Alex’s face darkened and the air seemed to shift as Piper wrapped her arms around herself remembering that night. It made her think she never wanted to be that scared anymore. There was another knock on the door and Alex took a step forward.

 

“Piper, that wasn’t Polly’s fault.” Piper flinched.

 

“I know.” She answered, even though that had crossed her mind.

 

“Then what’s wrong?”

 

“I hadn’t realized how much I missed her.” She whispered, eyes stinging, and Alex sighed, stretching out her hand and waiting for Piper to take it before saying,

 

“Come on, kid.”

 

Polly’s face was pure concern. She looked at Alex and her eyes widened, probably surprised with Alex’s new image the same way Piper had been the first time with her still clearly unhealthy thin body and the dark bags under her eyes. But then her eyes traveled further back, right onto Piper, half hidden behind Alex, hand firmly grasping hers and eyes crazed and scared and Piper was once again reminded of all of the things violently plastered onto her face. Alex had almost made her forget that she was nothing but wrecked.

 

“Pipe.”

 

“Hi, Pols.” She said lowly and Polly heaved in a breath.

 

“Oh, honey.” She stepped forward and around Alex and wound her arms around Piper’s neck. Piper winced but didn’t say anything because it still felt like she wasn’t supposed to and she didn’t want to sound whiny. But Alex saw.

 

“Hey, _careful,_ Holly.” She snapped and Polly pulled back hurriedly sporting a guilty look. Piper’s forehead creased in anxiety.

 

“Shit, sorry, fuck.” She was shamelessly looking at Piper’s neck bruises now and Piper shuffled in place, raising her hands and running them nervously down her hair, trying desperately to make Polly avert her eyes.

 

“No, no, it’s fine.” She blurted out. She glanced at Alex fleetingly, catching her glaring at Polly until she met her eyes and Piper gave her what was supposed to be a glare of her own but she didn’t think she’d gone beyond pleading. Alex pursed her lips and then sighed. She closed the door gently and Piper sighed relieved at her once again gentle eyes when she turned around. Her eyes went back to Polly and she mumbled, pacifying. “It doesn’t hurt that much anymore.” At that, Polly finally looked away from her bruises and Piper felt better enough to say what she’d been wanting to say since the last time they’d talked. It felt right to get this off her chest right away. “I’m sorry, Polly.”

 

Polly’s eyes were wide and earnest when she answered and some of the fear in Piper’s stomach melted.

 

“Piper, sweetie, _I_ ’m sorry. Can I hug you? I promise I’ll do better this time.” It was just a tug of her lips first which Polly reciprocated with her eyebrows rising, apologetic and nervous, and Piper couldn’t hold in the relieved laughter blooming in her chest at how easy this felt, as she took a step forward and wrapped her arms around her best friend’s neck. Polly’s arms lifted accordingly and, so very gently this time, wound around her back. “I am so sorry, Pipe, this is a mess, and I should have seen it and I’m so so sorry. I can’t believe I wasn’t there for you” She said, rubbing her back. “…I can’t believe he _did_ this to you, babe.” There was so much regret and sadness in her voice that it sounded strange to Piper because why should Polly feel bad about this? Except it mirrored Piper’s own regret and sadness; the feelings directed at Aaron, for leaving him, for running.

 

It changed things. The world tilted.

 

The contrast of their reasoning; Piper feeling guilty over leaving him alone, Polly feeling guilty over leaving _her_ alone; but overall Polly’s immediate aiming of the blame on _him._ It felt threatening, this train of thought. Piper sniffled and hugged her harder and it felt so _weird_ having her support and comfort like this, without a hesitation or doubt, after Piper had successfully convinced herself that that was something she could _never_ have. Because she didn’t _deserve this._ Because Aaron wasn’t doing anything wrong. Because it was Piper who kept pushing him over the edge. Because it was her fault _._ But maybe things weren’t like that at all and with that thought and a sudden explosive sob she was crying, again feeling the overwhelming desire to _not be this person_ ; to not have such a hard time convincing herself of things others were so quick in understanding. And what pained her the most was that she _could_ understand it and that these thoughts just now starting to break the barriers in her mind weren’t actually new but now…they were validated. And it felt wrecking and heavenly at the same time because she was starting to see herself through other eyes, discovering that there was actually something better for her because _she deserved it_ but in the same image, she could see herself with her feet tied, attempting to kick off the ropes. It was maddening. It hurt. She still wasn’t sure she’d be able to do it. She cried; fistfuls of Polly’s clothes in her hands and letting the tide fall from her eyes because right at this moment it felt _right._

 

It lasted a while. When she was able to stop crying, Piper pulled away with her head bowed down; embarrassed. She wiped her face with her sleeve and sniffled before pushing her hair out of her face and looking up at her friend anxiously. Polly was crying too. She let out a string of laughter, feeling light headed and weak and Polly smiled at her. She shook her head, wiping her own tears shakenly and mumbling a low _sorry._ Piper felt like crying again because Polly had beaten her at the apology. She let herself not say it. Maybe she didn’t have to.

 

Now, she glanced to the side, looking for Alex’s gentle reassurance but she wasn’t against the door anymore. She looked past Polly, into the kitchen, and nothing.

 

“Where’s Alex?” Polly arched her eyebrows and shrugged but said nothing, probably sensing the uneasiness in Piper. Piper squeezed Polly’s hand as she walked past her, muttering a soft _be right back_ before crossing the living room and walking into the bedroom. Alex was in front of her closet, scratching at the inside of her left elbow as she struggled to put on a hoodie at the same time. “Hey.” Alex startled and hurriedly finished putting it on before turning around to face her, fumbling for a smile.

 

“Hey.” Her eyes roamed her face and she arched her eyebrows anxiously. “What happened? Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah.” Piper smiled and Alex’s face relaxed, recomposing back her smile. It felt more real this time. “What are you doing?”

 

“Nothing. Just got a little cold.”

 

“Did you drink your tea?” Alex glanced at the night stand and started for it before Piper’s words stopped her. “No, it must be cold by now. I’ll make you another one.”

 

“You don’t have to.” She said, walking up to her and interlacing their fingers together, physically contradicting her next words. “Go talk to your friend. Do you need anything?” Piper swallowed, her head slightly lowered as she looked up at her. Alex squeezed her hand, prompting her to talk.

 

“Do you think you could be there? With me? I mean, I know she’s going to ask questions and I don’t know if I can…” She shook her head, her eyes training on her feet.

 

“Won’t I be in the way?”

 

Piper shook her head lightly before mumbling under her breath, “I don’t feel particularly in control right now.” Her eyes flickered to Alex’s and she saw the understanding dawning in her face.

 

“Okay. Let’s go.” Without letting go of her hand, Alex let Piper lead the way this time and she walked surely toward the living room. When they walked in, Polly’s eyes fell on their joined hands. She had sat on the couch, waiting for her and Piper sat across from her, with Alex right by her side.

 

“How long have you been staying here?” Piper glanced at Alex before answering.

 

“Two days. Alex went to see me…at work.”

 

“Oh. So Aaron wasted no time to start calling me.” At the sound of his name, Piper squirmed in her place, her gaze flickering away from Polly and she caught Alex glaring at her again. Piper recomposed herself quickly, meeting her friend’s eyes again as she continued, albeit more cautiously. “And how long has it been since the two of you got in touch again?”

 

“Around two months, I think.” Piper glanced at Alex again, for confirmation this time and Alex just shrugged. Piper noticed she had furrowed deeper into the couch, a throw pillow on her lap and another one against her chest, her arms around it, and she was going to ask what was wrong when Polly answered.

 

“Does…he know about…her?” Piper stiffened.

 

“No. Nothing. Why?” Alex placed her hand over Piper’s. “You talked to him, right? What did he say? How is he?” Now it was Alex who stiffened and Piper pushed her hand away. “Is he angry? Polly, what did he say to you?”

 

“He…” Now it was her turn to squirm in her seat and she cleared her throat, clearly at a loss of what to say.

 

“What?”

 

“He…I don’t know, Piper, he’s—he was— he called to ask me if I’d seen you and…” Now, Polly looked at Alex and Piper frowned utterly confused at their silent and foreign communication. She watched Alex purse her lips and nod after a second and then Polly nodded back, heaving a long sigh. “He scared the shit out of me. The first few times he called he was just concerned, asking again and again if I knew where you were, if you had called or whatever.” Polly ran her fingers through her hair, nervously and she glanced at Alex again, before continuing. Alex put her hand back on top of Piper’s. “But then he started getting insistent, telling me he knew you were there, saying that if I was hiding you we’d _both_ pay for it.” Piper swallowed, horrified, her breathing becoming shallow. He threatened Polly. _He threatened me._ Her mind was fogging up. Alex began whispering in her ear.

 

“You’re good; Pipes, we’re good, you’re here with me, don’t forget that, okay?” Piper nodded, a half whine, half hum leaving her mouth.

 

“…and that’s when I figured there was something wrong. I was so fucking worried about you, hon.” Piper looked at her friend again. She was leaning forward now, elbows resting on her knees. “I told Pete and he thought it’d be best to stop answering him so I blocked his phone number. But fuck, thank god Alex called.” Something resembling gratefulness showed in her face as she looked at Alex. “I didn’t know what to do. She didn’t have to tell me twice to believe her.” Then, she lowered her head, eyes training on her hands as she played with the hem of her t-shirt. “You’d been acting so strange and we didn’t talk nearly as much as before and I just thought it was the…” Polly glanced at Piper enough to gesture with her hands and make her point. Piper smiled wryly.

 

“The _other thing_.”

 

“I’m sorry, Pipe.” Piper sighed and let herself fall back, against Alex, who welcomed her in her arms.

 

“It’s not your fault.” But Polly shook her head with her eyes closed.

 

“I can’t believe he did this to you.” She repeated and Piper felt the urge to hide again. She looked for Alex’s hand now to hold on. She found it. It was sweaty. When she looked up at her, Piper’s forehead creased in concern and just then did she notice that Alex’s body was shaking. She could feel it against her own body. She thought it was herself.

 

“What’s wrong?” Her eyes were closed but when Piper spoke she opened them and shook her head.

 

“It’s kind of cold, isn’t it?” She didn’t sound sure at all and after a second in which Piper earnestly studied her face, trying to find an answer, Alex shook her head again and stood up somewhat shakenly. “I’ll just go get another hoodie. Do you want anything?” She added, rather distractedly.

 

“No.” Whispered Piper and then Alex was walking away and she was left alone with an estranged friend and an uneasiness in her stomach.

 

“…Hey, Pipe.” Polly started after a heavy silence. Piper was still looking at the place from which Alex had disappeared. “Do you…want to talk about it?” Piper let her head fall back.

 

“Not really…”

 

“Okay. Just know that I’m not leaving you again, okay? I have your back now, babe.” It came out easy and light but Piper whipped her head up because that was more than she was ready for; more than she had ever expected and it made her feel nostalgic and alone because there was a time when she _knew_ that. When Polly was her best friend and there wasn’t a single thing they couldn’t tell each other and there was never a doubt that it would always be like that. That’s what best friends are for. And god, Piper had missed it.

 

“Thank you, Pols.” And when she smiled as a response, Piper was reminded of the years of friendship behind the warmth in that smile.

 

After that, Piper didn’t feel quite so nervous anymore. Alex hadn’t come back yet and Piper thought about going to get her but maybe _she_ needed a second now. She had never liked Polly anyway.

 

And so she tried to relax. She had successfully dodged the topic and she knew Polly wouldn’t rush her and it felt freeing. Next to Alex, it made her feel protected and safe. She was existing again. She didn’t have to be washed away. To lighten up the mood, to maybe try to achieve some sense of normalcy despite the circumstances Piper asked Polly about what had happened to her since they’d last spoke. And of course, Polly jumped head first into a detailed narration of every single event that deserved mentioning— which to Polly was close to _all_ —and Piper didn’t even mind that this time it was so clearly only for her sake. Polly was a good friend. Piper appreciated it. And she listened closely, getting lost in her friend’s antics, real laughter bubbling out of her more often than not and even sliding in her own set of comments. It reached its goal. It made her feel normal. Polly wasn’t looking at her bruises anymore. After a while, Polly’s phone started ringing and she picked it up without even looking at the number; like she already knew. She lifted a finger to signal just one second and answered it. It was Pete, of course, and Piper smiled warmly at Polly before her eyes started searching for Alex again. It couldn’t have been more than an hour but she was missing her.

 

She stood up, showed her palm to Polly telling her to wait and then walked over to the bedroom. Empty. The bathroom door was locked.

 

“Alex?” When she didn’t answer right away, Piper knocked gently on the door. “Al, you there?”

 

“Yeah.” It was short and quick but her voice didn’t sound particularly good.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Yes. Are you leaving?”

 

“No…” She wanted to say something else, the urge to fight back still reigning in her but when Alex didn’t answer, her priorities changed. Something felt off. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

“Yes, Pipes, I’ll be out in a second.” It was quick again, as if she was running against her breath and Piper pursed her lips before asking hesitantly.

 

“You don’t sound so good.”

 

“Piper, fuck, I’m fine.” It wasn’t angry, only slightly breathless and Piper pushed against the door.

 

“Al, open up.”

 

“No.” This time it sounded almost scared and Piper’s heart picked up its pace.

 

“Alex, what’s wrong?” No answer. Piper pushed again, smacked the door with her palm. “ _Alex.”_

 

“Pipes. I don’t feel so good.”

 

“Al, open the door.” She demanded but all she got was Alex’s voice floating lightly and it upgraded Piper’s uneasiness to genuine concern.

 

“Do you know what _cold flashes_ are?”

 

“ _Fuck.”_ Piper tried the handle again, roughly, but there was no use. “Alex, _please_ open the door.”

She heard a loud sigh from inside and then shuffling, followed by a groan. The door opened a few moments later and Alex was leaning against it, rather haphazardly, as if she couldn’t actually stand her weight. She was wearing a coat and there was a blanket draped over her shoulders and another one on the bathroom tiles that the door had pushed back where she must have been lying on. She was sickly pale, and she looked like she might past out. There wasn’t much of her to see except for her face, the rest of her body covered up from head to toe.

 

Piper knew, _now_ it had started.

 

“I’m cold.”

 

“Jesus, Alex.” Piper lurched forward and wound her arm around Alex’s waist tightly, afraid she’d fall. Her whole body was hunched under the blanket, shaking uncontrollably and Piper felt a sudden anger hit her, because Alex had preferred to throw a blanket on the bathroom floor so that Piper couldn’t see her, instead of telling her something was wrong. “Why didn’t you call me?” Her breathing was heavy, her chest rising and falling visibly even under the coat but she still managed to sound arrogant when she said,

 

“What are you gonna do about _withdrawal,_ Piper?” Piper fumed but tugged at her waist, and began leading her to bed before answering her, not even sure she wanted Alex to hear her.

 

“Yeah, what am I going to do about _anything,_ right?” She muttered under her breath bitterly and Alex sighed, loud and frustrated as they reached the bed. She flopped down heavily, pushing back the duvet with clumsy hands.

 

“That’s not what I meant.” Her tone was conciliatory already, and honestly, Piper was sick and tired of it.  

 

“It’s exactly what you meant,” she bit back before running back into the bathroom to grab the blanket on the floor. She tossed it on top of Alex, now well wrapped under her sheets, and tucked it under her body so no warmth could escape her.

 

“It’s _not._ ” She clenched out, sinking lower under the blankets.

 

“You locked yourself in the _goddamn bathroom_ so _I_ couldn’t reach you.” Piper said through gritted teeth as she accommodated a pillow under her head and brushed her hair away, letting her palm linger on her cold cheek.

 

_“_ We already talked about this, Piper; you don’t need the burden right now and to be honest, I don’t need the fighting, so just stop.” She said, turning her head slightly to trap Piper’s hand between her cheek and the pillow, eyes shut and breathing shallow.

 

“No, no. What I _need,_ Alex, is for you to stop fucking patronizing me.” She shot back not sparing one second at the same time she threw a leg over Alex’s trembling figure and then the other, falling on her side and pressing the front of her body against the bundle that was Alex, and beginning to run her arms up and down her body. Now Alex turned her head and wriggled closer, effectively burying her face in Piper’s neck.

 

“I am _not_ patronizing you; I am simply trying to do what’s best for you.” She somehow managed to make that whole sentence come out in a grunt and Piper let out a wry laugh while her hands slipped under Alex’s coat to rub lightly at her neck.

 

“Fuck that. _I_ can decide what’s best for me.”

 

“Oh, you can?” Piper halted all her movements; a sharp pang in her heart making her draw in heavy breath. She felt Alex burrowing deeper into her neck and Piper swallowed. For a second she wondered if Alex would always use that against her, just like Polly did with the drinking. It made her feel scared. It made her feel pathetic. It boosted her drive. When she spoke, her voice was low, almost whispering against Alex’s hair and she knew she’d be able to hear the hurt, but she kept her tone final and detached. She couldn’t lose it like she had earlier.

 

 “I’m making my own decisions. And I’m staying.” She pulled back, got off the bed. “I’m going to tell Polly to go home.”

 

“Piper.” Alex called weakly but Piper ignored her.

 

Polly wasn’t surprised.

 

“If you need anything, call me. I can get the groceries for you or anything you need.”

 

“Thank you, Pols.” Polly nodded and stepped forward. Piper held onto her for a full on minute before she forced herself to pull away. Alex needed her. “Thanks for coming.” She said softly.

 

“Call me when you can, okay?” Piper smiled at her and nodded before waving a goodbye and she closed the door as Polly began to walk away. Piper leaned against the door. She buried her face in her hands for a second. Then, walked back into the bedroom. She kicked off her shoes and slipped under the covers, pressing her front against Alex’s side again, noticing how she was starting to sweat but the shivering in her body was only getting worse. Still, when Piper had settled next to her and she had began to ran her hands, now sneaking under her coat, down her arms, Alex clenched her fist around a fistful of her clothes. It didn’t look like she meant to do that. It looked like she couldn’t help it.

 

“Pipes, I—”

 

“Alex, what do you need?” Piper didn’t let her finish because it wasn’t the time and it looked like it hurt when she talked, the veins in her neck showing as she arched it, her teeth clenching, her eyes closed shut. Everything in her screamed forcefulness, her muscles straining. She let out a whimper that made Piper’s throat narrow and then buried her face in Piper’s chest, her body almost in a fetal position.

 

“I’m _cold.”_ Piper could hear the desperation in her voice and she pressed even closer, having to practically rip her hands off her shirt to put them under it, against her warm stomach. She brushed her sweaty hair away from her face and pressed her forehead against Alex’s cheek, letting her hot breathing hit her neck. A shiver ran violently down her spine, a groan leaving her lips. Piper wound her arm around her back and held her. There wasn’t anything much she could do. But _fuck_ if she was gonna leave Alex to go through it alone.

 

 

 

 


End file.
